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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Hopeless and depressed: no birth control method suits me... (Page 2)

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Author Topic: Hopeless and depressed: no birth control method suits me...
angie88
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Sorry for the late answer.

I live in an urban area and I'm covered by an insurance plan. Things in my country are a bit different than in the US, but let's say that once I reach a certain amount of money spent on healthcare, I can have access to most healthcare providers and treatments for the rest of the year. The insurance is awfully expensive, because I'm young and not supposed to be ill - hum hum- but with my medical history, I had to get something decent. My income isn't terrific, but since I am childless, it's "average". I study part time in hope to be able to get a better job one day, and my parents are kind enough to help with the university fees. I pay all the rest, but I'm willing to skip things if needed to be able to spend money on treatments. Health comes first! [Smile]

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angie88
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Also, I was late to answer because I got to talk with my boyfriend about contraception. He was the one to bring the subject in fact. He told me that he saw how betrayed I felt by his reaction and apologized. He explained that he's scared, because he's very anxious of failing: failing to put the condom correctly, failing in terms of sexual performance, etc. It's more the failure itself that scares him rather than anything specific: when he can't do something, he gets angry at himself and feels like a loser. He's aware that he should be more positive, but well it's a trend of his personality, especially when it comes to self-esteem.
He also said that since I had told him so many times that making love was the only thing that made me feel good with myself,he felt a lot of pressure, and didn't want to disappoint me. I didn't think that I had said it like that and so many times, that he would have internalized it like that! [Frown]

I told him that I understood, but that I was there to help, and that he would disappoint me in refusing to try rather than in failing in trying. I would not judge him, and there is no law that forces him to have sex if he doesn't want, any kind of sex. I said that if I used cervical barrier, I would be in the same situation. Would he judge me if I failed to put it right the first time? Of course no. So it goes for me with him trying condoms.

He also told me that he had thought again about getting a vasectomy. I say again because he has already spoken of it before. He is older than me, in his 30s, and is sure he doesn't want children. He keeps saying he wants to do it for himself and himself only, but well, I still have doubts. Would he do it if I was on the pill and everything was okay? He says he would, but I want to be sure. I don't want him to regret it if we break up and he meets someone else. He promised to think about that when I'm abroad.

Btw, I used this argument as another reason to practice with condoms: if we break up one day and he meets someone, he will likely need to use condoms for the first months, even with a vasectomy. So it's better to practice now, within the "safety" of a strong relationship than hurry up and mess later with a "stranger". [Wink]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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(You okay with telling me what country you're in? That'd help me figure out what might be available to you.)

I am SO glad to hear about your boyfriend's transparency. he sounds very in touch with his issues around this, and very willing to be real about them, which is going to make tackling them likely totally doable.

Oddly enough, you bring up another possible parallel we have, which is that my current partner (who, long story short, has been my partner three times in life now over a 22-year span, so even though, in toto, we've only been together seven years in that time, we know each other very well) had a vasectomy two years ago. And we had a convo, several, about that and I also checked in to be sure this wasn't about my limitations with contraception. And in some ways he made clear it was: that ultimately, I, too, could have had a tubal, but I've been through a lot of surgeries and such in my life already, his surgery would be simpler, and he was thinking about one for years anyway, so. [Smile]

But also know that when someone goes in for that procedure, they have a ling consult with the doctor who asks all kinds of questions to help a person make sure that's what they really want. So, this doesn't have to be something you feel like you have to totally take on: he would have someone else checking in with him, who is trained to do just that.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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angie88
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Yes, I've been thinking about having a tubal at some point too. But for now, it's clear that considering my young age - I speak from a biological perspective: before 27, I heard that fertility can come back from itself, even after a successful surgery - he is more likely to be able to do it than I. Too, even if it's allowed from majority onwards in theory, it's really hard for women before 40 to find a physician who accepts to perform the act on them [Mad]

I live in [edited: just went ahead and did it for you]. I will edit my post later if you're okay, cause I fear being recognised.

[ 07-19-2012, 07:00 PM: Message edited by: angie88 ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Edit away now. I'm heading out for the day, so will have to pick this up again tomorrow, but I can remember that just fine.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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angie88
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Thanks [Smile]
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angie88
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Hello Heather,

I just wanted to know if you had any news about methods to help with painful periods. I know you must have a lot to do already - and a lot of other people to help - without having to check what's available in other countries...So thanks a lot for having helped me this far already.

I did research on my own, but apart from "get a hot water bottle" or "take Ibuprofen" - both of which I already use - I couldn't find anything else. The thing is that we don't have something like Scarleteen in my country. We have websites explaining birth control methods or answering questions about pregnancy risks, but that's about it.

Anyway, I've just stopped the minipill and my boyfriend and I have finally agreed on using condoms. I showed him your article about the "condom basics" and it's been very helpful for him - with all the fears he had. So thanks for that too [Smile] We take our time to practice and be ready before using them "for real".

Again, I didn't mean to bump my post or whatever. I understand that you have a lot to do, or that maybe you just want to be lazy and take a little vacation - hey, it's summertime, after all [Smile]

All best and thanks again for everything,


Angie

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Robin Lee
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HI Angie,

I'm so glad to hear that your boyfriend feels better about condoms now and that this is something that is going to work for both of you.

Heather is taking a little time off right now, but I will check with her and see what she has to say and get back to you.

--------------------
Robin

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angie88
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Hi Robin,

Thank you for your reply. I'd appreciate if you can check with her, but otherwise it's not an emergency. I can wait for Heather to come back.

I know I mostly talked with her, but I take the opportunity to thank you too! You were the first I talked with here and your kindness and understanding really helped making me more confident to discuss the core of my problems - and not just the birth control problems which, I realise it now, were only the tip of the iceberg.

You and the whole Scarleteen team are doing a wonderful job. I learned more here about my body in two weeks than in the rest of my life! [Smile]

Thank you so much!

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