posted
I have a strange and uncomfortable issue. It's more of a relationship issue, but I think it could effect my sex life as well.
I have been in my current relationship for a little over a year. My boyfriend treats me very well- better than anyone I've ever dated. I am confident that he genuinely loves me and I can't see him ever doing anything to hurt me.
Not too long ago, we had had a couple drinks and were having a pretty intimate conversation about our pasts. He suddenly asked me if he could tell me something, and I said of course. I wasn't prepared for what he had to say. He confessed to me that he had molested someone about six years ago (when he was fourteen). There was no coercion involved (the girl was asleep and he doesn't even know if she was aware of what happened)- it involved brief touching and only happened once. He was very naive about sex, having had traditional parents who didn't discuss it openly, and was overwhelmed by curiosity and sexual feelings he didn't understand. He seems to feel genuinely remorseful (maybe even self-loathing). He says that he thinks of himself as a different person now than he was then- that when he was that age he didn't have the developed conscience or the self-control that he now has. He says he knows it was wrong and inexcusable and promised me would never do it again. I am the only person he's told of the incident.
I'm so conflicted. I have experienced molestation myself,several times- I know how shitty and powerless it can make you feel. I identify as a feminist and have been involved in efforts against sexual violence. I don't believe there is any excuse for molestation. At the same time, I think these dilemmas are complex. As long as I've known him, I've known my boyfriend to be a kind, considerate person; I can't reconcile what I know about him with what he told me. It's not that I'm afraid he'll hurt me- I believe him when he said that he would never do it again. But I have such a strong, visceral opposition to sexual violation, and I feel on some level that if I stay with him- go on loving him- I'm some how complicit in what he did, or validating it. Can people change? Am I going against my convictions if I believe that he's changed? Am I excusing what he did if I don't necessarily think he meant to harm someone if when he did it? I need some peace of mind. I hate what he did, but frankly I love him whether I want to or not. I've talked to a therapist about it which helped a little, but I'm still dealing with cognitive dissonance. No one tells you what to do in this situation. What should I do?
Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2012
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
HI homeoutofpoetry and welcome to Scarleteen!
I can see where you'd be struggling with this.
your boyfriend clearly trusts you a lot to tell you something that I imagine he knew would be distressing for you. You are very articulate about your convictions and I imagine he knew about them.
What it sounds like now is two things:
1) This is a heavy personal secret to carry by yourself. 2) Your strong awareness of social issues is conflicting with your personal feelings.
Hmm, let's try this: How would you feel if he'd told you that he'd done something else that was illegal, morally objectionable, or otherwise problematic?
I can't say for sure, but from what you describe your boyfriend did not molest this young woman out of malice, or any desire to be dominant or to overpower her. I point this out not to excuse the behaviour, but to perhaps draw the distinction between thought and action. IN law it's called criminal act versus criminal mind (I don't remember the Latin terms right now).
Only you can answer the question of whether past behaviours trump current actions, and to be able to evaluate for yourself whether your boyfriend is currently a threat to you or to other women.
Does your boyfriend know that you are struggling with this?
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4337 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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Yes, he knows I'm struggling- I was initially really upset with him though our dynamic is mostly back to normal now (at least on the surface). He knows I discussed it with a therapist. Prior to telling me, he knew that I had experienced molestation and knew about my feminist convictions, so I imagine he anticipated that I would be upset.
I can confidently say that I don't believe he's a threat to other women anymore, or to me (at least not a sexual/abusive threat- I guess I do worry about the ramifications of carrying this secret). I can also distinguish between criminat act/criminal mind, on an intellectual level if not an emotional one, and it's helpful to keep that distinction in mind. Maybe what's difficult is the fact that I trusted him with my own experiences as a victim only to find out that he had been a perpetrator, and that makes processing my own past that much more complicated (he's one of the few people who I've told about those experiences in depth). I think maybe on some level, it also affirms this general distrust or disappointment that I have with men and kind of a low-level fear of male sexuality.
Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2012
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
It makes sense that you would feel a betrayal of trust to share your own painful experience with molestation only to hear that your boyfriend molested someone. What I'm wondering is: As much as you're working on how to accept this on a mental level, is this something that feels emotionally safe for you? How long have you known about this? It appears to be a place at which you're stuck, not only in the relationship but in your own healing and growth.
Sometimes there are things in relationships that, no matter how much we love the person, no matter how much we like and trust them in other respects, are still deal-breakers for the relationship. This is in no way a recommendation that you break off the relationship; just something for you to think about.
On the flip side, is there anything your boyfriend could do, that you could do together, that would help you with this? In a relationship, something like this is never just one person's problem, but rather something that the couple would ideally work on together.
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4337 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
We discussed it quite a bit when it came up, which I think was a way of processing for him as well. Beyond that I can't really think of anything he could do, especially as we're in a long-distance relationship and he'll be travelling overseas soon (he told me about this in person)... do you have any suggestions? Thanks for your insight. I agree that my emotional health and whether or not this is distressing enough to be "dealbreaker" are ultimately what I need to consider.
Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2012
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