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Author Topic: Need some advice
live4travel
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Member # 1772

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I'm an older sibling of my 15 year old sister. I recently returned to the USA after being overseas for 4 years.

I've found that my sister is running around with random guys for sex/bj's and she's been caught by our parents sending nude photos.

She looks up to me where on the other hand she 'despises' our parents as being too controlling (they aren't) which is typical of this age. Our parents aren't sure what to do because they are worried about her reaction (rebellion, running away, suicide, etc).

What concerns me the most is that when talking with her about guys wanting to use girls she said she doesn't care, she wants them to use her.

My parents think it's because she had her heart broken. This behavior is recent and started just 2 months ago according to them.

I want to help in someway curtail this behavior and find healthier alternatives.

We've mentioned the risk of pregnancy but she just says she doesn't want kids and can abort.

I'm not sure how to approach her so I don't turn into 'one of them (parents).'

Are there any suggestions I can use or can pass on to my parents?

Sincerely,

without words

Posts: 116 | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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When someone says things like that they want to be used in earnest, we can generally know something is probably really wrong. So, it's possible something has happened to your sibling along the way you and your parents don't know about, like sexual assault or abuse, for instance.

Your typical heartbreak probably isn't at the root of this.

So, I'd suggest that your parents -- and perhaps you can help them with this -- find a good counselor for your sister, someone she can screen and likes.

Just to be clear, simply being sexually active -- including outside relationships -- and sending photos on cell phones all by itself doesn't mean something is wrong. Your sister is an adolescent, and people do tend to start exploring their sexuality during those years. What someone explores is diverse. So, I'd make sure neither you nor your folks are being judgy around that, and that you don't try and change her behavior. That's not really your place, you know?

But the kind of sentiment you've said she's voiced around this is where my concern would be, but to get at what's underneath that, she's likely going to need to talk to someone outside her family who isn't voicing a strong opinion about her sexual behavior.

In the meantime, mind, have you offered to help her seek out at least a reliable method of birth control? You mentioned pregnancy, but since it's not likely her sexual behavior will change anytime soon, how about helping her to prevent some unwanted outcomes by helping her with her sexual health and preventing pregnancy?

In discussing that, while by all means, she should have the right to reproductive choices like everyone else, you might also -- kindly -- let her know that Iowa has laws regarding abortion and minors that require parental consent. So, while "kids" can't terminate a pregnancy, teenagers can, but she'd need your parents permission to do that, so if she doesn't want to be a parent, either choosing not to engage in those kinds of sex or using reliable birth control is what she'll need to do to prevent that.

But that's also stuff you can leave in the hands of a pro: at a sexual health clinic, the staff can talk with her about all this, and have the training to do that well.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
live4travel
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I agree that exploring sexuality is normal at this age but am concerned with her attitude about how she's going about doing it as well as her openness about not caring if any guy uses her. I am worried about her being the next 'anonymous girl' in the news that has her video/photo spread around the school/community and ends up with different boys being arrested for having child pornography and her gaining a very bad reputation as well as the hurt/shame/embarassment that would come along with having trust broken and her private life exposed to ALL of her peers.

I've suggested that my parents take her itouch away, at least for the Summer, since she isn't using it appropriately. My mother believes it should be done but the father is hesitant because they are worried she'll rebel and run away or worse, harm herself. I'm doing my best to keep her busy while I'm back (just for the Summer) by taking her jogging, sports, playing games, etc. Stuff she normally doesn't do as her other older siblings have all left.

Do you believe it would be a good idea if I chaperone her or go with her as she hangs out, etc as they do in Turkey so as to deter the sex but encourage getting to know each other without sex every time? It is what I'm thinking would be beneficial to help encourage building a healthy relationship that isn't based entirely on sex or do you think this would be too invasive?

My parents are getting her birth control but she's not yet on it.

I actually haven't talked to or voiced my opinions directly to her except when she brought up her 'walking around the school date' to me and I suggested she always have a guy earn/work for her affections rather than her working for his affection so she is respected.

Thank you for the advice so far.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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In general, taking things away tends to be the kind of thing one does with small children, not someone en route to becoming an adult. taking her tools away doesn't give her any help using them in ways that are healthy, nor does it address what the problem is with what she's doing. (Which, really, boils down to the fact that it's a felony for a minor to distribute nude photos of themselves, and it can be something she needs to think about per where it might go later in life: you have a handle on those things, but removing the toll doesn't address them at all).

I don't imagine your sister would be open to having a chaperone, but you could certainly ask her if that's something she wants. If it's not, I don't think attempting to police her that way is likely to be useful.

I don't know what you mean by your parents getting her birth control. Do you mean they're going to take her to a clinic?

Hoe close are the two of you? If you are very close, have you asked her if anything else have been going on? maybe for more of the details of what happened a few months ago your parents are saying was having her heart broken?

Have you also just expressed that you love her, and are worried that some of the sexual choices she's making might really hurt her and you're afraid for her? And in a way where it's not like "sex = bad," but that sex can be something that benefits us, or something that can really screw us up, so the how of our choices matters?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Just to be clear about the pics, the crime wouldn't just be on anyone who possesses what she sends, but on her for someone making and distributing it. And if whoever she's sending pics to isn't eliciting -- asking for -- them, then it might be only her, actually, committing any crimes.

Also, I suggested looking into a counselor qualified to help here, and you didn't reply on that one. Is that something you and/or your parents have looked into or discussed? Or family therapy, for that matter?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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