posted
Hi there, I am a 22yr old girl who has never had sex or even been in a relationship. So far any time I have tried to have romantic physical intimacy my skin starts to crawl and I feel like I will vomit. I have tried to date a few times but as soon as the guy tries to do anything I just freeze, my heart starts beating like crazy and my whole body feels like it is rejecting them.
I have never been abused and I am really struggling to figure out how to stop this from happening!
I had a really complicated childhood, my parents were in a religious cult when I was growing up and we were told to view all men and boys as uncles and brothers, I was also sent to a boarding school run by this group when I was 5. When I was 13 my parents got divorced and my mum left the religion. The divorce was very hard on me and unfortunately my mum never really explained what was happening when the divorce was happening. I have learned more recently that my mum thought my father was cheating on her, which was one of the reasons for the divorce. In spite of all of this I really have a wonderful relationship with both of my parents. I know that my mum feels like she is responsible for my fear of intimacy...
I just want some way of getting over this all consuming fear!! It is at the point that I wont even allow myself to have a crush or even like a guy because I fear what will happen if I like them..
Please give me some advice! I'm desperate!
Posts: 5 | From: Italy (originally Australia) | Registered: May 2012
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By all means, that kind of upbringing will take a toll on a person, and it might well take you some time to work through it, and you might need some ongoing help with that, too. If you strongly believed, because you were taught, that all men are like family members to you, then for sure, feeling okay about them being in other roles is going to take some work and help.
Have you ever sought out any counseling to help you process it?
Let me also just check in here with you first: do you feel attracted to guys? Might seem like a silly question, but if you just feel very afraid and repulsed, I want to make sure some of that isn't because you're trying to force a kind of feeling or relationship with men you might not actually want.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63667 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Can I ask how it's been going in terms of your sexuality by itself, like with masturbation?
And, while masturbating, have you ever engaged any fantasy about guys? If so, did you have the same highly uncomfortable feelings, or was it different?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63667 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Its ok, i do masturbate, i do fantasize about guys, but never anyone I know, it is always someone made up...
Posts: 5 | From: Italy (originally Australia) | Registered: May 2012
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How does that go? Do you have the same uncomfortable feelings, or does that feel okay?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63667 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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What that suggests to me is that this likely is changeable for you, and something you can probably work through and get to a comfortable place with soon enough.
I would strongly suggest seeking out some counseling specifically around this: a sex therapist could probably help you out a lot. It sounds like your Mom -- who also sounds like she has been through the ringer herself hugely -- is really caring about this and supportive. maybe she could help you look into that?
In the meantime, how about maybe seeing what happens when you fantasize about someone you are attracted to and know? That's a way more emotionally safe setting for you with this: no social anxiety about your reaction, since you're alone, no body-on-body stuff to make this too intense, etc.
I'm also happy to try and talk you through some more of this myself if you like, to the capacity we can as an online service. If you want to talk some more with me about it, I can post some things we might talk about that could help or get you more started on healing as well as identifying what you need right now for any kind of romantic or sexual interaction with a guy to be comfortable for you.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63667 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I would love to keep talking to you. At the moment I am studying in Italy until feb so I may have to hold of on the counseling until I get back to Australia...
Posts: 5 | From: Italy (originally Australia) | Registered: May 2012
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posted
Well, we can certainly poke around to see if we could find anyone for you there.
But we can keep talking, regardless.
I wonder if you can fill me in on where you feel like these uncomfortable feelings start.
In other words, you find some guy attractive: do they start there? Or when you start talking to him? When thinking about him sexually? When talking on a date? When touching in any way at all? When something that is sexual to you begins...?
How about when YOU initiate something, rather than them (you said this is about when they "try to do anything")? Same deal or not?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63667 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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