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Author Topic: Sigh, I'm sorry for bringing this topic up again..
mmiiaa
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I should really learn from my past posts.. I mean, previous posts from a few months ago, I said I'd never let my partner not wear a condom, that morphed into, we'll not wear condoms everytime, but I'll make him pull out, and now, I'm in this mess.

Wednesday, a week ago, my boyfriend and I had condom-less sex. This doesn't happen often, but when it does, we make sure he pulls out. He's good at this. BUT FOR SOME REASON (I was really horny and just not thinking straight) I said "Ay, it's ok if you stay in this time!" He freaked, asked me if I was sure, if I was on antibiotics, if I had taken all my pills, and then after that, he did.

And then I realized how bad of an idea that was. Why am I such a horrible person? Why can't I stick to "pull out!" when I'm super turned on? I must be an idiot. I know it. I should probably be punished for what I do.

But, I digress, I went back to a post I made a couple months ago, about a scare. You guys said it's near impossible for a pregnancy to happen in 3-4 days (which I have now discovered in my Anatomy & Phys II class!) It takes about a week for fertilization. It's been a week. And tonight, the oddest of things, I had a little bit of spotting on my panties. This hasn't happened (well, very rarely) in the 5 months of me being on the pill. I think to myself, "Implantation bleeding?"

Today is the last day of my pills, and then it's placebo time tomorrow and the next four days. I guess what I want to know, is just a little peace of mind. I know you guys can't tell me if I'm pregnant or not, and I can only wait, but I'm freaking myself out (again) over feeling crampy, that little spotting, and it being exactly a week since the incident.

Now, I've never missed a pill, nor have I been more than 3 hours late, besides once, which was 9 hours late, but that was two months ago. I wasn't on antibiotics at the time, though my immune system was low (I had an ugly cold with a fever days before.) Nothing is 100%, but I'm hoping that my chances are low, and that these cramps I feel and the blood I saw was not a lil' zygote.

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Robin Lee
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First and foremost, let's get something straight. [Smile] You are not a horrible person, and there's no need for punishment. Okay?

The birth control pill has been shown to be 99% effective with perfect use, which it sounds like you exhibit. That late pill a couple of months ago doesn't factor into your current cycle.

The flip side of knowing that pregnancy doesn't start right away is also knowing that it isn't always going to be exactly a week. Our bodies aren't machines. So the fact that you had bleeding exactly a week later really isn't a tell tale sign--plus, implantation bleeding isn't nearly as common as it's given credit for being.

If you don't get your withdrawal bleed at any time during your placebo week you can certainly take a pregnancy test. Know until then though that you are using one of the most effective forms of birth control out there!

Would you like to talk a little more about why you and your boyfriend aren't using condoms, when it sounds like using condoms gives you a lot more peace of mind?

d

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Robin

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mmiiaa
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Ahh, but I feel the way that I've been acting (i.e., not doubling up), should lead to me being punished for my stupid choices. In fact, when I went to a free health clinic to get tested (worst experience I've had) the nurse told me if I wasn't being abstinent or doubling up on methods, I might as well expect a baby on the way. That scarred me a little, but it didn't sound completely...sound.. I don't know.

But thank you so much for the comfort. Out of all the times I google, "unprotected sex on the pill," 90% of the stuff I find is of someone being a "good user" or someone who knew someone on the pill, who ended up pregnant. It's rare on the internet that I hear of its effectiveness, which makes me freak so much.

As far as why the boyfriend and I didn't use condoms, I'd say we both have to take responsibility for that.. it's a joint decision, for sure. I like going condomless (occasionally) because I know he enjoys it, and I enjoy him enjoying. It doesn't bother me if he pulls out.

But he's brought up, once, that it sort of sucks to pull out, which I understand, and he understands the woe of my fears of pregnancy. But he told me, many of his friends who are on the pill and in LTR allow the whole finishing inside, and they aren't even as timely on the pill as I am. I know it would make him happy, and it turned me on, so I let him that once.

Aaaand then I ended up here. I KNOW that if I turn out having my period (fingers crossed) I will be super tempted to try that whole thing out again, and end up worrying like a fiend again.

I don't know how to convince myself that that little moment of condomless coming is not worth 9 months+ of baby and responsibility. it's so DANG hard in the moment. If I wasn't on the pill, I would never allow this to go on, like I did before, but I now seem to be slacking on condoms when on the pill. Why is this...

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mmiiaa
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Also, do you think being sick effected my effectiveness of the pill? There was no throwing up or diarrhea, but I did have a high fever and some upset stomach, and had to get an IV.
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Robin Lee
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What that nurse said wasn't accurate and was pretty judgmental. I don't wonder you feel a little scarred after that. Doubling up on methods does decrease your risk, but birth control pills are also one of the most reliable (and well-researched) birth control methods we have. It's been around for a long time! [Smile]

There is always some risk when we have sex, no matter how many birth control methods we use, but again, the pill is very effective.

About those stories you read on the Internet: Let's not put too much stock in them, okay? While there are people who get pregnant while taking the pill--sometimes bad things just happen--it's not nearly as frequent as these stories make it out to be. Usually, the people don't have all the facts, either because the person telling the story doesn't want to share all the facts, or because they don't have all of them. So, while someone might say they're a good user, they might not know what effective use is, or might (intentionally or unintentionally) be glossing over what they actually did in order to make a good story, get sympathy, etc. So again, unless we're able to talk to these people and ask them lots of pointed questions, we can't put too much stock in what they say.

About you and your boyfriend using condoms or withdrawal: It sounds pretty clearly like you need to use two methods for your own peace of mind. This is absolutely okay and does increase your protection. Peace of mind and added birth control protection--both good things!

Am I correct in understanding that you do not want to get pregnant/have a baby right now? How important is that, versus you feeling like you want to give your boyfriend as much pleasure as possible? Another way to look at it: You do the work of taking your pills every day. Why shouldn't your boyfriend contribute? An unwanted pregnancy would affect him too. [Smile]

What do you think of brainstorming ways to help you "stick to your guns" in terms of using condoms or withdrawal all the time?

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Robin

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mmiiaa
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Oh, yes very correct that I don't want to have a baby now. I'm halfway through college, and I couldn't deal with that right now.

(also, the sick thing, am I all right there?)

You've got a point.. Sometimes, I feel like he's pretty non-chalant on the condoms now that I'm on the pill, and he knows I'm timely. He knows of course it's not 100%, but it's much better protection than when I was pill-free before and we just used condoms. He was on the ball then.

Brainstorming would help. It would help a lot actually..

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Robin Lee
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One thing I thought of that might be helpful to you is for you to make a list of the pros and cons of having your boyfriend use a condom or use withdrawal....to actually lay it all out there.

You can make this list on your own, or share it with us. Whatever works for you. [Smile]

I'm also wondering whether you and your boyfriend have had a chat lately about the needs, wants, and expectations you both have. It can be good to check in every once in a while, particularly when you're not in a sexually charged moment.


I hope this gives you a little food for thought. [Smile]

I'm headed out for the evening, but will be back tomorrow.

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Robin

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mmiiaa
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Robin! Robin! Good news! I had my withdrawal bleed today! It's not bright red or anything like normal, (but then again, my bleeds have changed since I've been on the pill), but it's definitely not any silly implantation bleeding! And boy am I cramping. I just ate so much Reese's Cups. So, I know it is that time. WOOOO! The pill does work!

Now.. remember what I said before.. That if I get my period, I'd be tempted to try it out again. I say this now, that all that was NOT worth the worry (on top of finals! Yeesh.) but I have a deep feeling.. I will be tempted to do that again when in the moment. Self-control. I really need it. So, I guess I'll make that list on here (so I can come back and see it) for a reminder.

Pros of my boyfriend not using condoms/withdrawal:
-It gives him pleasure
-It gives me pleasure knowing he's pleasured
-I find it being a turn on
-It really just mental, since I never feel him "coming", but that little moment feels like something of a connection/more intimate for that few seconds

Pros of my boyfriend using condoms/withdrawal:
-I don't have to worry until my period/2 weeks to feel safe that I'm not pregnant
-I don't have to fill my search history with "what are my chances?" and "can this happen when..."
-I don't have to cry a little bit every time my period is a little late
-I don't have to worry about another life on the way any time soon
-I don't have to worry about that burn afterwards because of my semen sensitivity.
-I don't have to worry about "clean up" after he comes inside. (Found out about that not too long ago. It was pretty gross for about an hour after. No one really talks about that non-hot/non-romantic aspect afterwards.)
-I don't have to imagine my parents killing me and my college career postponed and my life plans all messed up.


Ok.. so after making that list, I can see how much more pros there are to condoms/withdrawal. I knew this before, but I think it helps when it's out to see and read.

Really, two seconds of pleasure for 9 months of baby? No thank you. I just feel bad when he has to pull out, but he doesn't want a baby either, so...

Do you think there's a way I can make it up (for the both of us) when he pulls out? Physically? Or is that too..graphic?

Thank you for all your help, too, Robin!

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Robin Lee
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MMM< I love Reese's cups....especially around period time.

Glad to hear the withdrawal bleed arrived! [Smile]

Yes, yes, the pill does work.


Those are some really comprehensive lists you made. I'm glad that laying it out that way was helpful.

You could absolutely switch to another sexual activity after your boyfriend pulls out. There are no rules that say that intercourse has to be the last sexual activity engaged in. You have lots of options, including oral sex, you giving him manual sex, or you watching him masturbate.

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Robin

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