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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Relationship Confusion - Just looking for somewhere to talk it out.

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Author Topic: Relationship Confusion - Just looking for somewhere to talk it out.
Lauren057
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So, brief history:
I am in a monogamous relationship with a guy (I am female, and also straight, though have questioned bisexuality...anyways, digression much...)for approx a year. I am 18, he has just turned 20, we are sexually active, and I am on the pill, and we use condoms etc etc. We have had what I would call a very healthy relationship so far, and though it has been what some people would call my first 'real/dating/serious' relationship, I consider fairly level headed and able to make healthy and sound decisions.
However, we have a problem. Lately, I have noticing more that he is not comfortable with, what I suppose you could call my 'level of comfort' with other guys. I have a close male friend whom I often confide in. I trust him very much, and he also confides in me about his relationships (though he is not in one currently). My bf is always asking who I'm texting, and will often try to read through my messages, or read over my shoulder etc. When he asks, I am always honest. We also had an incident over the summer where an older boy (22) somehow gained access to my cell number and texting me some very inappropriate things. I asked him to stop, and he did, but when my bf found out, he got very upset about it and caused a much bigger deal than necessary. My bf also gets upset if I am not wearing a necklace he bought me, or if I spend more time talking to my friend than him during a day - which sometimes happens! He also makes jokes about me (between the two of us) which sort of paint me as promiscuous, which I have asked him not to do. Lately, when I hang out with my guy friend, my bf seems to get upset about it, which bothers me, because when my friend had a gf, none of this bothered my bf. Also lately, my guy friend has been flirting with me, and making some sexual advances, which I talked about with him, and he reassured me he is just kidding, so I have no real problem with. The more advances my friend makes, the more I feel attracted to him!
I am starting to be unable to deal with A) my bf's lack of respect of my messages or phone or conversations, which I consider private! and B) what seems like his jealously. He often voices that he worries I will 'find some other guy' when I got to University next year, which I also find kind of offensive, as to me, it implies that I might go sleep with the first guy who says I'm pretty or something. C) his general immaturity about the whole damn thing, so lately I find myself making excuses not to see him, or to talk to him for prolonged periods of time. I haven't talked to him in two days, and...it feels alright.

I don't usually settle into long term relationships, but I thought we had a good thing going here. But he's holding me just a little too tight, and I don't know how to say this right, or if it's better just to leave.

Well, thats kind of a massive post, and a bit disorganised probably, but if anyone has any advice, that would be extremely cool.
Thanks
Lauren

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Lauren :)

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Heather
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Hey there, Lauren.

Have you and your boyfriend yet had some serious talks about his jealousy and possessiveness, and in them, have you also set any clear boundaries? For instance, like your phone being private, and your close friendship needing to be something he makes a peace with?

If you have had those talks, how have they gone?

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Lauren057
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To be quite honest, no. I am a very non-confrontational person, and probably have been enabling in my desire not to 'rock the boat'.
Hopefully, when he comes home from college this weekend, we will be able to discuss it. I have been talking to some friends, and I have come to a personal conclusion: I don't want to leave to be happy, but I will if I have to. Probably.

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Lauren :)

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Saffron Raymie
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As you probably already know, one huge vital part in healthy relationships is ongoing commuincation, as well as setting limits and boundaries.

How about, instead of seeing that as something confrontational; seeing these talks as a great opportunity to find out what you both want and need to be happy in this relationship together? As something to help your partner with his insecurities, as well as yourself? Have you taken a peep at this article yet: Hello Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate Healthy Relationships?

Sometimes, limits like not looking at texts that we know will set off jealousy can help the person doing the looking too, as well as being much better for yourself. [Smile]

[ 03-24-2012, 08:34 AM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Lauren057
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So, we talked about, and apparently I should have brought it up a while ago LOL. Things are better now , and hopefully they continue to be [Smile]

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Lauren :)

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Saffron Raymie
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Absolutely! Go you for communicating! [Smile]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Lauren057
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Well. Actually, apparently talking didn't do quite as much good as it could have. After having a few more ridiculous arguments over the last week or two, I decided to have a serious chat, because I still felt like the jealousy was a problem. So, long story short, he felt that I don't put him high enough on my priorities list etc. Unfortunatley, I have to go to school, and do my homework, and train since I'm a competitive rider. And then I was accused of wanting to be in a relationship with the male friend.
Long story short, we are no longer together. Sucks, but I guess there it is.

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Lauren :)

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Karybu
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Sorry to hear that, Lauren. The end of a relationship can be tough, but it does sound like you've done what's best for you here.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Lauren057
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Yah. Feeling a little rough to say the least. Ending a relationship with someone you are still in love with is a little brutal. He says he would like to talk about it more and make it work since he loves me and has never been as happy with anyone else, and I'm open to this, but I've asked him to not to text or call, or email or have any communication with me for two weeks. Right now, I realize that I'm pretty emotionally vulnerable, since I still love him, and feeling pretty down about the whole thing, and I'd like to have at least that long, and maybe longer to really think about this, and think about what has happened, and what would likely happen in the future, depending on what choices I make in the next little while. Right now I'm not in much a position to be deciding anything, since I'm kind of just re-learning how to just be 'me', after living for a year as part of 'us'. It's kind of a lot of change all at once. So, maybe once I have that all figured out, I'll be more willing to take a close look at what can and cannot be fixed.

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Lauren :)

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Karybu
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I just have to say, I'm really admiring how self-aware you are with what you need and what your limits are, so kudos for that. [Smile]

It can be so hard ending a relationship with someone you still love, definitely; been there, done there, have the t-shirt(s). Unfortunately, contrary to what the Beatles say, sometimes loving someone isn't enough. I think giving yourself some time away from being in contact with him to get some perspective and a little distance is a very good move on your part, and will likely help a lot in terms of figuring out where to go from here. If you want to talk anything through, more than happy to do that with you.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Lauren057
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Well, after what me and a friend have named the Most Ridiculous Scene Ever, I'm feeling even less willing to deal with his crap anymore.
Basically, here is what happened:
I got a call from my friend (shes living with me for a semester to take some special courses that my high school offers) saying that my ex was texting her some inappropriate things, and she was kind of confused (who wouldn't be) as to what he was up to. I texted him to ask him to leave her (and all of my other friends) alone, just because I've asked him not to contact me, doesn't mean he can run around harassing my friends.
Before I know it, he has arrived on my front doorstep. I wouldn't let him in my house, because really, I just don't want him there. It took me about thirty seconds to realize that he had driven over to my house drunk. Not like, one drink extra drunk. Been drinking all afternoon,disheveled, stinking falling down drunk. I also, as he has known for over a year, just have a general disgust for alcohol, and what it does to people.To say I was furious would be the understatement of the year. He said he would leave etc, but because I actually care about this idiot, despite his doing one dumb thing after another, of course I won't let him drive around intoxicated. So, I told him if he didn't give me his keys, I would call the police. I am totally 100% honest when I say, I have no doubt whatsoever I would have called the police if he had tried to drive away while under the influence.
Luckily, (and I have no idea how/why this happened) his mother must have realized what was going on, and she arrived right about then to take him home. Then my dad got home, and I left and went inside and let adults deal with this, because, quite frankly, I just don't feel like dealing with him or any of his melodramatics anymore.
Really, my odds of wanting to get back together with this guy don't seem high, and all of a sudden, I don't care nearly as much as I once did.
Odd, the way things change so quickly.

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Lauren :)

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Saffron Raymie
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Sorry your last post was missed, Lauren.

How are you feeling now?

I agree that your partner is doing some extremely uncool things; such as endangering the lives and health of others by dangerous driving, and sexually harrassing your friends in what seems to be an attempt to get a response from you. Do I have that last part right, do you think?

I can certainly understand why these actions of his have caused you to feel very differently about the split. It sounds like he wasn't a completely safe person to be in a relationship with.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Lauren057
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I wouldn't call what he was doing sexual harrassment. By innapropriate, I didn't necessarily mean sexually innapropriate, just that it isn't really appropriate for him to be texting her (basically just annoying her) since they don't have any connection other than they both know me.
And I know this guy very well, and had he been sober or not drinking alone, I doubt he would have made the very poor decisions that he did. He has apologized very nicely to me, which I appreciate, and although we are not getting back together, I would rather not loose his friendship if possible.
I don't think he was an unsafe person to be in a relationship with, I always felt he cared for me very much, and never would have done anything deliberate to cause me harm. Everyone makes mistakes, and I understand that, I'm just not really interested in being in a relationship with him at this point. Later in life, I may change my mind, but for now I'm feeling pretty good about not being tied down.

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Lauren :)

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Saffron Raymie
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All of that sounds very sensible; I'm glad you're doing okay. [Smile]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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