Donate Now
Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » don't know who to talk to about these things

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: don't know who to talk to about these things
audreytoo
Activist
Member # 58116

Icon 1 posted      Profile for audreytoo         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I have been doing risky sexual things, like having my partner choke me until I feel dizzy/lose consciousness. And having him penetrate me with a baseball bat. These were both my idea.

I know this is dangerous, but I don't feel comfortable talking to my therapist about it. Who else can I talk to? Are there ways to make these activities "safer"?

Posts: 77 | From: U.S. | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Engaging in these activities CAN be dangerous - but it depends entirely on how it is done. When you and your partner engage in those activities, do you negotiate a safe word with your partner? Do you discuss beforehand what is and is not okay? Have you two done some research about safety in the specific activities you are engaging in (breath play, specifically, can be pretty dangerous), and are taking appropriate precautions and being mindful of your health? Do you feel safe with your partner, does he respect your boundaries and look out for you? Can you communicate well? Do you feel comfortable asking your partner to slow down or stop what they are doing? Those are all really important for sexual activity in general, but all the more so when you are engaging in BDSM activities.

The other side of this is whether you feel comfortable engaging in these kinds of sex at all. Do you feel that this is a healthy expression of your sexuality? Or do you feel conflicted about your fantasies and the way you have been carrying them out? Do you think that this is important to the conversation you are having with your therapist? Do you want to bring it up with them?

[ 02-27-2012, 06:27 AM: Message edited by: September ]

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9166 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
audreytoo
Activist
Member # 58116

Icon 1 posted      Profile for audreytoo         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thanks for the reply. I do feel comfortable and safe with my partner, and he respects my boundaries, and stops if I say stop. We don't have a safe word, I'll just say no and he listens.

When I tried to research breath play, all I found was warnings not to do it (example: Dan Savage's advice saying it is never safe). Also the whole point for me is that my partner applies a lot of pressure so that I pass out for a few minutes. I guess this causes brain damage? Hard to find credible sources on the internet.

I don't feel right talking about any thing sexual with my therapist.

Posts: 77 | From: U.S. | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Breath play is particularly risky. Have you and your partner discussed this? How do you both feel about the risks? If you're not quite clear on them, a chat with a doctor should answer your questions.

It might, on the whole, be a good idea to find alternative ways of creating whatever it is that breath play gives you.

What are you in therapy for? Would this be relevant at all to what you are talking to your therapist about?

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9166 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I actually want to step in here to say that both these ideas truly present very serious health hazards.

Baseball bats, for instance, unless covered with a condom, would present risks of splinters in your genitals and serious bacteria being passed on to you.

Breath play until someone is passing out is also known to be incredibly unsafe: in fact, if someone is getting to that point with it, they can know they have passed the point where it is safe.

So, as a sexual health advocate and educator, I would strongly advise not engaging in either of these things, and that's the only responsible advice anyone could give, IMO.

How about, if you have interest in these things, seeking out some middle ground? For instance, what IS safe with breath play is to hold your own breath, just like you'd do while swimming. With the idea of a bat, how about looking into a safe sex toy that's similar instead, or into deep manual sex with a gloved hand and more than a couple fingers?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
audreytoo
Activist
Member # 58116

Icon 1 posted      Profile for audreytoo         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
What about inserting something not made out of wood, like a metal police baton/billy club? This is not for every sexual encounter, just once in a while. A toy made specifically for sex does not excite me at all unfortunately.

I feel that both my medical doctor and my therapist would make judgments about my sexual behavior, so I don't feel comfortable bringing it up with either of them.

My partner told me he is turned on by anything that I like, so he does basically whatever I want. (Of course, if he objected to something, that activity would be off the table). He doesn't seem concerned about the dangers as far as I can tell.

I like the sensation of his hands putting pressure on my neck/throat, so holding my breath would not be the same thing as this.

Posts: 77 | From: U.S. | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Would that object be covered with a condom, and would your partner be very gradual with it and NOT rough? If all were true, then I'd say that could be safe.

But with the breath play, if holding your breath yourself doesn't work for you, then I'd say when it comes to safety, that's just an activity to not do.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3

Google
Search Scarleteen