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Author Topic: question about precum/cum
mara11
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First of all I wanted to thank yall for your help last time i turned to you but now i was wondering.. ok my boyfriend and i were messing around last saturday and he was fingering me while i had no clothes on and i had given him a hand job while he had on his boxers and jeans. Hes told me that he had never before got to the point where anything come out, but this time he said he ejaculated. My question is if it really was cum or just precum since he'd never felt either?
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Heather
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So, he hasn't ejaculated with his own masturbation before, either?

If not, I don't know how anyone really can know for sure save that a) a full ejaculation most often is paired with orgasm and b) the volume of fluid tends to be radically different: pre-ejaculate tends to be a teeny amount of fluid, whereas a full ejaculation usually ranges from around a half to one full teaspoon.

But I'm also not sure why it matters. Can you fill me in?

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mara11
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well you see i am very good at freaking out about thinking anything can get me pregnant. Before this weekend i wouldn't worry so so much because i fianlly realized theres absolutely no possibility of pregnancy without ejaculation but then this happened and just last night the freakouts began again. I am on the pill and this is the most weve ever done and we even stopped doing anything at all for a while because it all made me so nervous. But i just cant help it i keep feeling like theres some small chance it could happen
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Heather
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Okay, but no matter what, if he had his pants on and his penis wasn't anywhere near your vulva, you have not had a pregnancy risk.

But it sounds like maybe you might not really feel ready to deal with any of this, so how about thinking about if even this kind of sex is really right for you right now? Sounds like it might not be.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mara11
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Thank you and no he wasnt near my vulva so ill just try and stop all this worrying..and Yes maam we actually just decided that last night. Do you have suggestions to help us not get that caught up in the moment? We spend almost all day except when eachother is in class or at work and have lots of alone time together as well.
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Robin Lee
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I think the first step would be for the two of you to discuss what you're both intrested in doing in terms of sexual/romantic contact, and where the cut-off point is for both of you. Agreeing on that is a great start.

You might find these two pieces helpful:

Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist


Whoa, There! How to Slow Down When You're Moving Too Fast

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Robin

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mara11
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ok that sounds like a great idea. thank you very much and your articles are very helpful as well! In the meantime of waiting for my period to come should i just continue reminding myself that pergnancy is just totally not possible to calm my nerves?
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Robin Lee
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Nodding. It can be hard to let go of the feelings of being scared, so just continue reminding yourself that you're okay. Deep breaths can help. Anything you normally find calming can also be helpful. [Smile]

And you are definitely welcome to continue to talk to us as you and your boyfriend negotiate these changes you want to make.

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Robin

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mara11
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i would really like to continue talking. we talked last night and he was very understanding and apologized for if he ever made me do something i didnt feel comfortable doing. i think i am finnally realizing that pregnancy wasnt ever a possibility and i have another question, my birth control was switched from ortho tri cyclen lo to sprintec this month, should i expect my bleed to be around the same time or not at all?
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Stephanie_1
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So long as you didn't miss any pills between the switch you should expect it around the same time, yep.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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mara11
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ok awesome and well i missed the first two but then took two pills for two days after that.. which i did the previous month too because the ortho lo was so expensive..so still around the same time right?
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Stephanie_1
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It may be a little off given you didn't start the first day and took two pills for two days. Per protection, you really want to be making sure you're starting pills day one and keeping up with taking them on time throughout the month.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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mara11
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ok i got ya,, we havent ever had direct genital on genital sex though it was more for my period is that what you ment by per protection?
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Saffron Raymie
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You still haven't had a pregnancy risk - because to have a risk of pregnancy someone need to ejaculate directly onto your vulva or you need penis-to-vulva direct contact.

However, when and if you do decide to engage in those kinds of sex and want to use your pills to prevent a pregnancy, they need be taken once a day at around the same time to be effective a preventing pregnancy.

[ 01-28-2012, 02:33 PM: Message edited by: Seashie Ray ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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mara11
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ok got it well i take them withing an hour of the same time everyday, thats good right? one more question.. that night when i came home i changed underwear and obviously toughed them.. theres no way sperm can live that long though right? im not sure if any cum even got on my hand but me touching my underwear came about 20 min. later
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Robin Lee
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Yes, within an hour or two of your normal time is fine for taking the Pill.

Sperm doesn't survive outside the body. Definitely wouldn't be alive after 20 minutes.

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Robin

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mara11
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thank you. im sorry to keep asking questions im just curious about all these things and dont have anyone else to ask that would have a concrete answer
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Robin Lee
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That's perfectly understandable. It's quite okay.

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Robin

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mara11
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so all day i have been considering buying a plan b because of when i touched my underwear, but that does not need to happen right?
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Saffron Raymie
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Plan B isn't needed, no. However, by the time you're reading this, and you have taken Plan B - that's perfectly okay too.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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mara11
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thanks, i just started freaking out again. but I dont have a risk to begin with right? so no need for worrying?
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mara11
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and also even if it was possible, which it isnt correct but my bc should cover that right?
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Saffron Raymie
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BC isn't an issue here. There was no risk, so pregnancy is impossible - it wouldn't matter if had no BC at all, it's still impossible. Manual sex ('fingering' and 'hand jobs') don't carry any risks.

This is because sperm cells are way too delicate to be transfered on hands like that. They need semen to travel around - and soon as its exposed to the air, that semen begins to dry up. It's temperature changes damaging the cells. The sperm cells' tails break. They need perfect conditions to be able to travel anywhere in their semen, and without that semen, they can't go anywhere. When they can't go anywhere, they can't cause a pregnancy. That's why manual sex isn't a risk. Does that make sense?

[ 01-31-2012, 04:16 PM: Message edited by: Star Ray ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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mara11
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yes it does. i just wish i wouldnt freak out about things i know arent possible. but i thank you very much for your help. i think ano ther reason i began freaking out was because i should get my withdrawl bleed and i keep asking what if it doesnt come.. but i should be 100% sure that it will right?
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Saffron Raymie
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It'll come. Even if it doesn't, it won't be related to pregnancy. Withdrawal bleeds can be late due to stress, etc.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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mara11
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i think that i just need someone to talk to until my period comes please. i am completely freaking myself out and almost cried this morning because my period still isnt here and its the third day of my placebo pills. im so terrified that i could be pregnant but try to remind myself that from the situations ive described it wouldnt be possible. can someone just maybe try and help me to calm my nerves please im terrified
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Heather
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Sure.

How about we talk about this fear? Why do you think you're feeling so scared and freaked out? What's your worst possible scenario here you're running through your head?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mara11
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I think that maybe I am pregnant and one of the things i discribed in my post really could make me pregnant and it scares me because a baby is the last thing i need
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Heather
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Can I ask you to talk about why you have the idea that even if you became pregnant, that would mean having a baby?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mara11
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because no matter if a baby wasnt a good idea i just could never not go through with a pregnancy. i dont believe in terminating pregnancy if it was by your own choice to do things that can cause a pregnancy. are you saying that i could be pregnant?
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Heather
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What I'm trying to do is to talk through your fear about being pregnant with you so that you can move to a more productive place.

Because ultimately, what's done is done per past actions, whether or not you have become pregnant (which seems highly unlikely), but getting to the root of your fears is the way to be able to really deal with them AND make sure that moving forward, you make choices that are really right for you.

For instance, if this fear for you is that if you became pregnant, you would -- per your own beliefs -- have to stay pregnant and even parent, and that is, as you say, very much not something you feel capable of handling now or want to, then it seems to me that it's probably not a sound choice for you to take ANY risk at all of becoming pregnant right now, since you're not likely to feel okay about any risk at all, even a tiny one.

And since you're having these fears around a kind of sex that isn't even one that can cause pregnancy, that suggests to me that, for now, those kinds of sex aren't sound choices for you, either. See where I'm going?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mara11
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yea i do see that the choices i have been making arent good for me right now. which is why we havent had any kind of sex since this past freakout. i just keep replaying everything we already have done in my head and thinking that maybe there was something i forgot or that maybe this is the one time it would be poissible. is that ridiculous? i just feel like i cant move on or even live like normal until this period comes. i cant even think about the future without thinking what if my period doesnt come?
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Heather
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Well, what I'd say that is is nonproductive, because at this point, there isn't anything you can do about those past encounters when it comes to pregnancy. remembering something that did or didn't happen won't wake you pregnant if you aren't, or un-pregnant were you. Know what I mean?

What are you doing lately to distract yourself from this? And have you also had a real talk with your partner to set clear limits about sex? If you haven't done that, and set better lines very clearly, it's understandable that you're still so focused on this.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mara11
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yes i understand. And i am actually pretty busy everyday.. i go to class then work then come home for supper then to practice almost everyday and im fine until i get a few quiet minutes to just think then everything just starts piling up in my thoughts. but i still havent had a pregnancy risk right?
we havent had direct genital on genital contact
he touched his own ejaculate one time but washed his hands before touching me
i couldnt have gotten pregnant from touching the inside of my underwear 15-20 min. after giving him a hand job
i am on birth control and take it within an hour of the same time everyday

right? this is litterally everything that has happened this month between us. the only other thing is that last thursday night i got sick to my stomach all night long and im pretty sure i threw up my pill. this is my first month on sprintec and the three before that i was on ortho tri clyclen lo. i missed the first two pills but then took two for two days after that. So i havent had a risk and need to just let things happen right?

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Heather
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I don't see you reporting anything that poses risks of pregnancy, no, which I think we've already addressed pretty clearly.

How about we maybe brainstorm some ways you can distract yourself from this for now when these panicky thoughts DO come up?

Are there ways you have dealt with other fears in your life you can't really do anything about that have worked for you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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