Donate Now
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Still Terrified to Tears

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Still Terrified to Tears
fallenleaf
Activist
Member # 93205

Icon 1 posted      Profile for fallenleaf     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I posted a few days ago about this pregnancy scare and then got it deleted, but I have a couple more questions to ask about the incident to reassure myself, as well as needing to emotionally work and talk some things through that seem to big to handle right now. I'm in a really terrible place right now, and I don't know if I'm just PMSing (which I really hope I am, because then I would get my period and wouldn't be pregnant)

I am not currently using any form of birth control. Basically what I've done with my boyfriend is manual and oral sex. However, recently, maybe it's because I've been more comfortable sexually but I'm not as quick to put my pants back on after he touches me and before taking off his. I have taken Plan B about five times since August or September and have really screwed up my cycles... I take the Pill because I get scared he may have fingered me with something on his hand, but its mostly because when his pants come off, and when my pants are still off, even though there is no direct contact, I'm scared that if we're close enough, some pre-ejaculate will get in me. Or, I torture myself with the possibility that when he ejaculates, some of it manages to get on me. I try to remind myself that we are not touching directly, but I get really scared.

I am driving myself crazy over the fact that about two weeks ago (at a possibly fertile period since it was about two weeks after my period, even though it was yet another "Plan B period"), we slept together in the same bed (no intercourse) and were touching each other orally and manually (him mostly manually on me) like I described before falling asleep. I believe I put my pajamas on before falling asleep for the night with him but I think there were periods in which I fell asleep without clothes, and he either had his boxers on or no boxers on.

I'm scared that I could have rolled close to him while I was asleep and our genitals could have touched somehow. I'm so terrified of this. I remember no ejaculate came near my vagina but I'm scared that somehow it could have seeped in indirectly. What if it squirted and he cleaned it up but we both didn't realize that some got on me somehow?

The day after this, I was terrified, and he reassured me that he never touched me with anything on his hand. I brought it up again with him last night (we are on break and have been talking on the phone) and he said he was actually thinking about it again earlier to just reassure himself, and then he reassured me again.

This is so ridiculous because I remember sleeping with at least underwear on for some of the night, but I am so TORTURED by the fact that I could have slept bare for a bit, and what if some ejaculate got on me somehow? 'm so scared I'm just making up some stuff in my head since I obviously can't remember everything as clearly as before. My memory was proven not completely correct when I brought up something I thought he said that night about a week ago, that he said he never said. His memory of the incident seems better than mine. I am so so so terrified right now.

I know I have anxiety to work through; my boyfriend and I are definitely not going full-out intercourse anytime soon and we've agreed to this. He is unbelievably understanding and I love him so much.

It's just that to control these fears sometimes I don't eat enough, or exercise compulsively, and I don't know what to do. I lost so much weight this semester from that sort of behavior. My boyfriend just wants me to be happy, and we've talked about slowing this down. This is my first relationship and it is very serious- my boyfriend and I are extremely close and compatible. He's one of the only people I've ever felt I could be genuine with.

But every time I think of next semester and how things will go better because I feel more in control after deciding with him to hold off on full-intercourse, I think that I did something wrong from this incident described, that I could be pregnant, and why did I have to wreck my life, or that my parents gave me so much and I risked being pregnant.

I just really need to be reassured exactly about the fear I have from this incident that is paralyzing me. I read somewhere on this site that once clothes come off, it's time to talk birth control. Even though I don't remember any direct genital to genital contact, there were a couple periods when our clothes were both off at the same time, and this terrifies me.

At that time (about two weeks after my "Plan B Period"), I had a lot of really thin, watery vaginal discharge. Did this mean I was ovulating? Now my discharge is thick and sticky. Does this mean my period is coming soon? It is about time for it to come- about four weeks after my last- but I don't know how much Plan B has affected my cycle or whatever. My periods have been October 21 (After I took Plan B on the 16th and 17th twice because I was scared), very late November/early December (after I took it on November 23), so it should be coming soon. I had cramps yesterday, but it hasn't come yet.

Thank you so much for reading this.

[ 12-27-2011, 03:21 PM: Message edited by: Anna284 ]

Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
There's a lot going on here, as you know, but let's first do something basic: when was the last time something happened where you feel -- even if we don't -- you might have had a pregnancy risk?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
fallenleaf
Activist
Member # 93205

Icon 1 posted      Profile for fallenleaf     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The last time was the time I described two weeks ago when we were in the same bed and were touching each other... I think it was just scary for me to be naked at some points and in bed. Maybe I almost felt like I was actually having intercourse which was really intimate and scary... that incident is the most recent root of my fear right now, that some fluid could have gotten on me during that incident.
Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
If it was two weeks ago, that's long enough ago to get accurate results from a pregnancy test.

So, how about you go get a test, then we can know the answer of if you're pregnant or not and be done with all that wondering.

THEN we can talk some more through all of these fears and worries without you being in the thick of not-knowing and panicked by that. I think that would be a lot more productive than digging into this now with that big "if" in your head.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
fallenleaf
Activist
Member # 93205

Icon 1 posted      Profile for fallenleaf     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I was at the grocery store today and wanted to get one but I was so scared that my mom would see and assume I had a real reason to be scared. I realize how I feel like I know I can't be pregnant right? You see no risk, right? I'm just torturing myself... I don't even want to get tested because I know what it will say, I'm just scared.
Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I really feel uncomfortable going back and forth like this, though, with you being so strongly afraid, without you just having that answer. I also really don't see how having the answer -- instead of torturing yourself over it with wondering -- wouldn't be helpful to you.

You say you know what the test will say: how do you know that? And no matter what it says, that's the reality here, yes or no, so you're going to have to deal with that reality regardless. My strong feeling is that it will say you are NOT pregnant, and that THAT is the reality you need to accept and deal with to best move forward here. But I think before you can, you're going to need it verified.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
fallenleaf
Activist
Member # 93205

Icon 1 posted      Profile for fallenleaf     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I meant "I know what it will say" because the risk is so tiny, if existent, right? Shouldn't I wait to see if my period will come since it feels like it will soon?
Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You can certainly do that, but my point is that with you expressing this much panic and this much anxiety about it, something where you know there was little to know risk, I really don't think that we -- we here as people you are talking to -- are going to be able to have a productive or helpful discussion with you until you can seriously chill out about this first.

And my sense is that facts and talk about your low or nonexistent level of risk haven't helped so far, so I don't see why they would if we keep saying the same things over and over again. I think that taking a test and seeing the result is our most likely route to get you some calm first. And until you know for sure -- be that a test or a period -- I just don't see how more logical talk is likely to serve you at all or make any real difference here.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
fallenleaf
Activist
Member # 93205

Icon 1 posted      Profile for fallenleaf     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I see where you are coming from. I'll work on finding a way to get a test, or waiting for my period. When I have the result, can I come back and talk about working through all these fears surrounding this relationship?
Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Of course! I'm happy to talk with you about all of this, I just want to do it in a way where it can actually serve you well. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
fallenleaf
Activist
Member # 93205

Icon 1 posted      Profile for fallenleaf     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Heather, thanks for strongly encouraging me to take a test. I took one and it was negative. I followed the instructions exactly and my urine was yellow, so I must have been dehydrated and should not have to worry about the hormone being diluted. The box said accurate results to test up to four days before my missed period. However, since i have no clue when my period will arrive because of Plan B (though it really should within the next week going by my usual cycles...), does this screw the test up? I believe the risk was the night of December 10.

I'm so glad I took the test, though. Where do I even begin to take apart my anxiety surrounding this? I feel like before this semester, before this relationship started, I had my life so under control and was so confident. After a semester of being completely in love, as well as completely paranoid and taking Plan B needlessly, I want to get to the root of these fears so next semester can go more smoothly and I can feel more control over my life (I am a control freak).

Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Saffron Raymie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
(Hello Anna, your pregnancy test result will be accurate because it has been longer than 14 days since your risk, so it doesn't matter about your period. I'm glad you're feeling better! [Smile] )

[ 12-28-2011, 03:06 PM: Message edited by: Seashy Rae ]

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
fallenleaf
Activist
Member # 93205

Icon 1 posted      Profile for fallenleaf     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm still quite reassured, but a little confused on how the test works, then. I thought what mattered was 14 or more days after one ovulated, and since I don't know when that was...?
Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kachina
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 42505

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Kachina     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The test is accurate 14 days after the risk or after a missed period, whichever comes first. For this purpose use the date you would expect to get your period without the Plan B.

--------------------
~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

Posts: 876 | From: Seattle | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
(Anna: sorry not to have been here for you today myself, but glad you've got our awesome volunteers taking great care of you. [Smile] )

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
fallenleaf
Activist
Member # 93205

Icon 1 posted      Profile for fallenleaf     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you so much to all!

Can anyone help me figure out the root of this anxiety about pregnancy? Clearly pregnancy wasn't a legitimate concern so I don't know why whatever is truly making me anxious is manifesting itself in the possibility of a pregnancy.

Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Sure thing.

Here are some things you've said I see as good places to start:
"I am not currently using any form of birth control."
"I take the Pill because I get scared he may have fingered me with something on his hand, but its mostly because when his pants come off, and when my pants are still off, even though there is no direct contact, I'm scared that if we're close enough, some pre-ejaculate will get in me. Or, I torture myself with the possibility that when he ejaculates, some of it manages to get on me. I try to remind myself that we are not touching directly, but I get really scared."
"I know I have anxiety to work through"
"My boyfriend just wants me to be happy, and we've talked about slowing this down."
"think that I did something wrong from this incident described, that I could be pregnant, and why did I have to wreck my life, or that my parents gave me so much and I risked being pregnant."

Does seeing any of that again bring anything up for you?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
fallenleaf
Activist
Member # 93205

Icon 1 posted      Profile for fallenleaf     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Heather: Definitely the third one- working through my anxiety.

I don't know if the following incident was simply due to me not acknowledging a need for space, but last night when I was on the phone with my boyfriend, something happened that has been happening more frequently lately. We are on break and have been talking every two or three days. We were supposed to talk today, but I asked him on Saturday if we could talk yesterday. I said it was because I had more things to do today, which was true, but the root of me asking him was because I was scared I might have said something in particular that offended him when we had talked a couple days before, and I was torturing myself over the possibility that he was offended and was letting negative emotion against me fester inside of him. Anyway, of course, in the beginning of when we talked yesterday, it was fine, everything was good as usual. But then about 20-30 minutes in the conversation, I just became so silent for the rest of the three or four hours we "talked". It was as if I was unintentionally giving him the "silent treatment" and he was quiet and asked me if I was okay a couple times.

I don't know why I did that. I couldn't bring myself to talk, my mind was wandering. He said then, that he should get to bed, and that if ever I didn't want to talk to him, that I shouldn't feel obligated. But that wasn't it! I thought I did want to talk to him! I told him then that I was afraid of saying something that might potentially offend him, or that was stupid, and he said that nothing could possibly be as annoying as how I was in my own silence. I then confided fears about him judging me and needing to control and restrict myself, which is stupid, because deep down I know he accepts me for who I am. I mentioned some things about being vulnerable, and I told him I didn't want to lose him... I even told him I frequently comforted myself when I was anxious about losing him from some misunderstanding by saying I knew he would always come back to me, to clear anything up, because he loves me. And he said he would, but then he said that didn't mean I could push him around...

But I just don't know if that fear of being judged truly is it, because I know he doesn't judge me, I know he is accepting, and I know I won't lose him if I just be myself. I have been driving myself crazy thinking what this fear could possibly be hiding. What is the real reason I feel this way? Am I really that vulnerable? I've never really been in a serious relationship before, so it's not like I've been viciously hurt in the past. Why am I so guarded and cold? Why do I bring this upon myself? Why does it seem like I always feel on the verge of destroying this relationship with this wonderful person?

I've even said sometimes that I don't deserve him, that I don't want to appear weak and pathetic to him. But he's always told me this isn't about who is strong and who is weak. Why can't I get this?

We agreed to talk on Wednesday. As usual, I'm paranoid he won't want to talk to me, which I know isn't true. He is so genuine. But I need to work this out. I don't know what the root of this is, but I'm so ashamed of putting so much stress on him and this relationship. He said this can't keep happening, especially next semester when we don't have time to lose sleep talking about "drama" that doesn't have a basis. I can't possibly lose him, I am so afraid of that. We are so lucky to have each other, and we are so happy together, except when I am like this, which is happening increasingly often. I'm terrified, because I don't know why it's happening.

Sorry this was so long, and Happy New Year, by the way.

Heather and any volunteers, I would be so thankful if you shared with me your take on this, input, or any possible suggestions. I really need to talk this through with someone and I feel like I have no one right now I could trust with this. Please help me.

Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
This is a lot of big stuff, and I think you've got some really good starts for yourself here!

Maybe I can help move you forward in this with this: do you feel secure enough in yourself, do you think, to be in an intimate relationship right now?

I mean, look, any intimacy means taking emotional risks of some kind, and those will tend to make anyone truly taking them feel a bit anxious sometimes or worried. But on the whole, do you feel -- most often -- very comfortable having an intimate relationship and very capable of taking the kinds of basic emotional risks that requires, like being vulnerable, like potentially facing a partner's judginess sometimes, like offending each other now and then?

You also say you can't possibly lose him: would you say that you feel like without this relationship, you literally could not go on in your life? That if this ended, it is not something that, even with time and support, you could get through?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
fallenleaf
Activist
Member # 93205

Icon 1 posted      Profile for fallenleaf     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I definitely do feel secure enough in myself. I've always felt very strong and independent, and work-focused, which is why it was really difficult at first to balance him in my life. But I do feel secure in myself. I think that these sorts of feelings come up because I am not used to feeling so vulnerable, and it makes me feel really scared.

I could get through if I lost him. I said that because the thought of losing him over something like this is devastating, because these feelings only come up every so often, but recently, more frequently.

I do feel so safe with him, so will these feelings go away in time? I just don't want them ruining the bond between us. For a while I felt like I was losing myself in him, but now I feel like we are maintaining our own identities. He makes me so happy; I don't know what to do about these little bouts of anxiety. I've never really talked to anyone about my deep feelings before, and while I know I can trust him on an intellectual level, there's a subconscious hesitation that I don't know what to do about.

Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Can you identify what you feel scared OF in feeling vulnerable?

And what, if anything, you think might make you feel safer in the ways you're vulnerable?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
fallenleaf
Activist
Member # 93205

Icon 1 posted      Profile for fallenleaf     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
To clarify: on the whole I do feel very comfortable, which is why I don't know what to do when these feelings come up randomly. I don't know what the root of them is.
Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Okay, but maybe you can at least think about and identify some things you are scared OF when you feel scared?

For instance, you've already voiced a fear of losing your partner or "ruining" your relationship. Can you add on there or add more things from there?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
fallenleaf
Activist
Member # 93205

Icon 1 posted      Profile for fallenleaf     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm scared of opening my entire heart to him, and then him abandoning me, which is so irrational because I know he wouldn't do that. I feel like I view my relationships as power struggles and I don't know how to change this. I either feel completely in control or completely needy and pathetic. Sometimes, for example, I purposely wait to text him back, because I'm scared of being too eager, but then I freak out when he seems distant (even though he's not trying to be, he's just listening to me and my need for space). I don't know how to figure how a happy balance?
Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
fallenleaf
Activist
Member # 93205

Icon 1 posted      Profile for fallenleaf     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I guess I'm also scared of humiliating myself, when it comes to being judged, too. I don't know where all this comes from.
Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
fallenleaf
Activist
Member # 93205

Icon 1 posted      Profile for fallenleaf     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
For so long I've seen myself as someone who needs so much alone time, and is so self-sufficient. I realize I almost fear being alone, but I don't want to appear too desperate. I'm scared of never learning to trust and be intimate. I always feel like I have to prove myself. I am such a perfectionist even in my relationships, the way I dress/look, work, that it is debilitating and makes it impossible for me to "let my guard down".
Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
fallenleaf
Activist
Member # 93205

Icon 1 posted      Profile for fallenleaf     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Does that make the issue clearer?
Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It does, thanks. Hope it made it a bit clearer to you, too. And I think we may even be able to seriously summarize all of this, including the pregnancy worries, to a fear of you-know-whatting up. [Smile]

Perfectionism CAN be seriously debilitating: it often is. And I'm hearing a lot from you that sounds like you are just afraid of making mistakes, or what you feel are mistakes and a fear of not being in control of everything (maybe because you think if you aren't, someone else will mess things up?).

I'd say with your partner, the happy balance is just doing what you want to around things like texting. If he wants or needs to set a limit, after all, he can ask for that. I think some of this may be about letting someone else take the wheel and trusting them to do that.

One of the things about intimacy that's a big part of it comes down to this: letting someone else see us at something other than our absolute best all the time. Letting them see us be imperfect -- usually quite often -- and trusting them to accept us as something other than some totally perfect person. Mind, that also means you accept that about yourself, too.

One of the benefits of being with someone for a long time you have built trust with, though, is feeling more and more able to do that over time. So that, for instance, you know you CAN let your guard down and that person is not going to humiliate you or reject you for being...well, human, just like the rest of us.

Do you think you'd benefit from some books about perfectionism and anxiety around it? It sounds to me like you probably would. But I also think this sounds like something a good counselor could really help you out with a lot. This kind of coaching is an area where it's often pretty easy to be served well.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
fallenleaf
Activist
Member # 93205

Icon 1 posted      Profile for fallenleaf     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
This makes so much more sense, especially trusting him to "take the wheel". And now that I think about it, there is so much anxiety in my life that is caused by feeling someone might mess something up for me, and trying to control it.

I think I'd greatly benefit from some reading. What do you recommend?

Thank you so much for your insight!

Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
About to have a little break here, but I'll be back with some suggestions for you.

One other one though? Mess something up. Seriously: make a mistake. Mistakes get a lot less scary when we stop giving them so much power. You're not flying a plane with hundreds of people on it where if you screw up, people will die. You can send a text without perfect timing. You can get embarrassed by something. You can even live through a partner seeing you be something besides perfecty-perfect, and you'll probably start feeling a LOT better when you do. It's pretty liberating to make safe mistakes, really: it's trying to have everything be totally perfect and in our control all the time which will tend to me us feel awfully trapped.

So, I dare you: wear sweats to a dinner party. [Razz]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
One book that I think is really excellent when it comes to women and perfectionism spefically is Courtney Martin's "Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters." Plus, it's wonderfully written, so a good read by all merits. It's more about body image than anything else, but by my read, it's really more about women and perfectionism than anything else.

More targeted to this issue specifically, there's "Perfectionism: What's Bad About Being Too Good," by Miriam Adderholdt Ph.D. and Jan Goldberg, "Too Perfect: When Being in Control Gets Out of Control," by Jeannette Dewyze and Allan Mallinger and "Present Perfect: A Mindfulness Approach to Letting Go of Perfectionism and the Need for Control," by Pavel Somov.

Too, this Buddhist writer (the last one in that list was, too, likely because it's very hard to be in the moment and learn non-attachment with perfectionism getting the better of you) has a book that I think might also help, and she's very accessible to read: that's "The Places That Scare You," by Pema Chodron.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
fallenleaf
Activist
Member # 93205

Icon 1 posted      Profile for fallenleaf     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Heather, MAJOR thanks for your insights and the book recommendations. They all look really helpful. I know you probably get this a lot, but you are so fabulous! Thanks again. I'll be back if I have any other questions!
Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You're so welcome, and thanks for such a lovely compliment! [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3

Google
Search Scarleteen