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Author Topic: I need help!
fallenleaf
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I'm happy to be a new member of this site; I really appreciate you all reading this [Smile]

I need to be a little more informed and educated since I am in my first serious relationship. I have been with my boyfriend since August. I remember getting really scared this one night after about the first month when we were kissing, clothes got off, and things started to get really heated and he got up to get a condom. I very firmly told him no, I was not ready, and he understood and was just in the heat of the moment. He's never been in a relationship before either. Fast forward to now, we've talked about how we will not do full out intercourse for a while. I told him I was uncomfortable with it, I wasn't on the Pill, didn't want to rely on condoms, and frankly, still am working through some emotional attachment and intimacy issues that make the idea of being that vulnerable still really scary for me.

However, in the months between, I have tortured myself with the possibility of becoming pregnant. I have taken Plan B about five times for reasons like being scared he had pre-ejaculate on his finger when he touched me. So I've completely screwed up my periods. The last time I took Plan B was November 23, and I believe I had my period shortly after. Basically, all we have done is he fingers me, and then I give him a handjob/blowjob. I'm becoming increasingly more comfortable with this, as I am not so quick to put my pants back on before giving him oral or whatever.

I'm really scared because about two weeks ago we slept together (no intercourse, just in the same bed), and did the fingering/blowjob thing. Whenever he came, he wiped it off with a paper towel and I got no ejaculate on my hands. However, I'm worried some squirted on me and ended up on my vagina or something like that. He has also been paranoid ever since he realized I was so neurotic and ever since we had that scary heat of the moment first time when I stopped him, that he makes absolutely sure that his hands are dry before he touches me, but I'm STILL so scared pre-ejaculate could have gotten in my vagina.

What scares me the MOST is that I don't know what could have happened when we were asleep, the sheets were kind of wet because I was producing so much discharge but I'm so terrified some pre-ejaculate or ejaculate mixed in somehow from him. My vagina never actually touched his penis though.

He kept reassuring me the day after, and I have NO idea why I am becoming anxious about this again. Perhaps it is because we just recently decided that we were going to hold off for a while on intercourse. He told me he doesn't need sex to prove some sort of love in a relationship, and we feel much more serious than that.

However, because I truly deep down feel I will be with him for a long time, I am scared about sex. My parents are against pre-marital sex, and I think it is irresponsible to have a pregnancy risk when I am in college and am supported by my parents.

Can you all please tell me if I have anything to worry about from this particular scenario though? We weren't completely naked all night, he had his boxers and I had my pajamas, but I'm terrified once I took them off that some indirect contact could have happened under the sheets when his were off too.

And do I just have serious intimacy issues, or is it okay to completely hold off on sex for now?

I'm more concerned about my pregnancy risk, though...

I really need to be talked through all these confusing emotions. Thanks [Smile]

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Kachina
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Nothing you've described here poses a pregnancy risk. Check out this page:
Pregnancy Scared?

It's totally ok to hold of on sex for as long as you want. In fact, since is making you so anxious and worried, it would probably be better for you. Check out this page, it should help:
Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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fallenleaf
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Thanks for your reply.

I looked at that but was still nervous because basically my scenario fit into the fourth one (having oral sex.manual sex) BUT it says "where everyone had clothes on" and there were points when we were close on the bed and both didn't have our underpants on. That's what has been freaking me out and what made me ask. Is that still okay???

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Heather
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To make sure we've got this right, are you saying that there were times the two of you were rubbing your genitals together when you were both totally naked?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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fallenleaf
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Basically, he would just have his boxers on and be rubbing me, and I would have an orgasm, and then I would take off his boxers and rub him and give him a blow job but I wouldn't have put my underwear back on. I'm confident no ejaculate got near me since it all went on his stomach but I'm worried about pre ejaculate somehow getting near me. He assured me over and over again that his hands were dry when he was touching me, because I have expressed worries over this before.
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Heather
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So you did NOT rub your genitals together at any time and he did NOT ejaculate on or very near your vulva?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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fallenleaf
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There were a couple points where I started to touch his penis when he touched me but then I stopped after like five seconds because he was dry, and just let him touch me.

He definitely did not ejaculate on my vulva, but I'm nervous it somehow squirted very near. I kept getting paranoid that my own wetness was some of his somehow, or that his pre-ejaculate mixed in. I'm just scared since we were both lying down... I know that the bedsheets are not some fertile ground, but I'm still terrified.

Honestly I'm trying to remember anything I might have forgotten but that's it.

And what if I might have fallen asleep before I actually slept with my pajamas on (and he had his boxers on), like what if I actually did sleep naked for a bit and might have rolled over and gotten some on me...? Like, if he might have fallen asleep for a bit after wiping the ejaculate off without his boxers on too?

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Heather
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I'm not hearing anything that sounds like there was a real risk of pregnancy here.

You really don't have to worry about things like sleeping together and become pregnant in your sleep unless your partner had intercourse with you while sleeping. Seriously. You also don't have to worry about pregnancy from possible , very indirect transfer of pre-ejaculate fluids. For real.

It sounds to me like these fears are really likely more about not feeling ready for or okay with any of this than about realistic pregnancy risks. So, my best advice is to just make some choices about what you think will really be best for you from here on out, and then to try your very best to relax about this, knowing that pregnancy is not a likely concern, at all.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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fallenleaf
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As I was writing it out I see the issue is more my anxiety...

I have a couple other questions though. What do I need to know about the Plan B about four or five times in since August completely messing up my system? I took it last on Thanksgiving and had my period shortly after, so I should be expecting it soon, right?

Also, where can I go for help on this overwhelming anxiety? I blow so many situations out of proportion, things like the possibility of failing a test/exam too, and I can't deal with it anymore. It's so inhibiting

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fallenleaf
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Also as far as not feeling ready, that's why I brought it up to him and we talked about not actually having sex and going farther than we have been.

However, there is still a part of me that gets so scared when I am alone and stuck inside my own head.

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Heather
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I couldn't tell you when to expect your period. Using Plan B that often is likely to wreak some havoc on your cycle in terms of any kind of pattern, so who knows.

In terms of help with anxiety, your best bet is to seek out a mental health provider who works with that issue. If you want some help finding someone like that, we're happy to help you out.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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fallenleaf
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Okay. I might go to my university health service and talk to a counselor there. I don't really know where to start other than that though.

And so just for my sanity, from what I described, there can be no risk of pregnancy? To clarify, by rubbing genitals I meant with our hands, not grinding them together.

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Heather
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Btw? It also sounds to me like going as "far" as you have isn't working for you, either. So, I'd say you might want to think about stepping things seriously back, not just not moving forward.

People sometimes think that however "far" they have gone sexually in a relationship, that once they have, they are required to keep doing whatever those things are. But that's not true: anyone and everyone can always step way back if they don't feel right or good about anything they've done sexually.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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fallenleaf
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Yeah... I just feel like I should be going out of my comfort zone to work through these emotional intimacy issues that I seem to have, rather than never being in a relationship. We really love each other, and I want to trust him, so these fears can't be telling me the relationship isn't right, because it is. I'm just scared to be so close to someone still. Are these issues I need to work out with a therapist? How are some ways she could help me out?
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Heather
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You can be in a relationship without doing sexual things that make you riddled with panic. And stepping out of our comfort zones is often important, but there's a big different between gradual steps we can handle, and leaping so far into the pool that we are too uncomfortable to make any kind of progress and may instead just wind up the worse for it.

How can a therapist help? Well, with anxiety, therapists have a bunch of different approaches to therapy to help people work though that. With fears about intimacy, if you're having them, they can help you figure out what is at the root of those, then help you make choices in your life to help you work through them soundly. It sounds like you also have some sexuality issues -- like your parents disapproval -- you could use some help with.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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fallenleaf
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Okay. I feel bad when I think about these intimacy issues because we love each other so much and I want to be so close to him so badly, but something is stopping myself; like sometimes I feel bad with burdening him with a problem of mine so I'll instead lash out at him to hide my true emotions from him. And then sometimes, I'm scared that he will leave me or decide he is fed up with me, which is completely illogical. He has even felt offended at me, asking why I am always doubting him. How can these fears be so strong that they undermine my sense of logic and reasoning?
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fallenleaf
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Heather, thinking about this more, I think the root is that I really feel conflicted because of my parents' disapproval of a sexual relationship (does this qualify as a sexual relationship?) and the feeling that I need to express my love for him. How can I reconcile the two? My dad has met him and really likes him and asks me how he's doing a lot, but I know he believes that I will not have sex until I'm married because that is how we are culturally brought up. And I feel like I'm going to lose my virginity to my boyfriend eventually, no matter how slow we take it, because we have such a serious and close relationship.

Also, how do I delete this topic once it is "over"? i don't want it just on the internet haha...

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Kachina
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Yes, you are in a sexual relationship and are having sex. When you say virginity are meaning no intercourse? Intercourse is not the only kind of sex, and is not really more "intimate" or anything than the sex you have been having.

You can still express your love to your boyfriend without doing things that make you so anxious. Anxiety has a way of overpowering logic - it can be very frustrating, I know. A therapist can really help you sort that out, they can teach you methods to reduce the anxiety and listen to the logic better. I definitely recommend it to help you through this. And until you do feel more secure in having sex without anxiety I would recommend slowing down a bit with your boyfriend. Sex should be fun before, during and after and if it's resulting in all these anxious feelings that's not very fun, is it?

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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Kachina
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Here's some links that I think you might find useful.

What's Sex?
Whoa, There! How to Slow Down When You're Moving Too Fast

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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fallenleaf
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Thank you so much Kat and Heather! I really appreciate your help. I'll let you know if I have any other questions.
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