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Author Topic: shes stopping me seeing the child
sunkissedx
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the other day i decided to text a boy i knew and said i was horny now i know it isnt that bad but i have a boyfriend i love and i feel as though ive done something wrong,
I did say i did it by accident just to see what he'd say even though it was on purpose and he laughed but its really making me feel guilty. whats your views ?

also another thing he has a child to another girl ive seen him once and weve been going out a month but shes stopping me from seeing him saying i cant until 9 month or my bf cant see him ! what do i do ? its really upset me 9 month is a very long time

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Saffron Raymie
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Have you had a talk with your boyfriend about boundaries in the relationship around what you consider to be breaking your relationship agreement?If sexual sharing such as telling others you are sexually aroused is outside your agreement with your partner; one suggestion could be to be honest and open with him about what happened, and how it's made you feel. Please don't be too hard on yourself if you have made a mistake and stepped outside of your relationship agreement with him; everybody makes mistakes sometimes.

Here's a couple of links for you about talking about those things:

How to Build a Healthy Relationship

Creating your own Relationship Model

Unfortunately, there isn't too much you can do about your partner's child. If your partner is unhappy about the child's mother setting this boundary, the best thing to do would be to have a talk with her about that; explaining why he does not feel comfortable with the situation.

[ 11-20-2011, 09:00 AM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
sunkissedx
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i really dont think its worth telling him im not going to do it again and i havnt cheated i just feel very bad that ive done somethig like that to be honest. what do you think? hes gunna be upset if i tell him.

i couldnt say anything to her she'd shout at me shes threatening to go as far as to say he will never see the baby again x [Frown]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm not sure I understand why you're in the middle around this kid? Your boyfriend and his ex re the people who are parents here, and who are making the parenting decisions. And if he's not happy with the custody arrangements, that's for the two of them and the courts to work out.

As well, bear in mind that it makes sense for parents to be cautious about who spends time with their children and in what context, particularly around people the parents are dating. And putting a limit on a kid meeting every person a parent dates is sound. One month is a pretty short time to be dating, and kids don't tend to do very well with a lot of people moving in and out of their lives.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sunkissedx
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i totally understand , he wants me to see his child but she doesnt, Ive known him for ages aswell. shes threatening to move away and saying he isnt allowed to see the child if i see him. im not particularly bothered its just the stress shes putting on him. Ive stayed out cause i dont want to be involved but i think its horrible to use the child as a threat
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Heather
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I'd stay out because this isn't about you, it's about the two of them.

And if he may lose the ability, for real, to see his child, then he needs to take this to the appropriate system per the family courts.

Really? As someone who is an experienced early childhood person, I do think a month of dating is awfully soon to bring someone into your kids life, even if you've known him a while. And I certainly would not fault a parent for wanting the other to be less hasty about that with people they are dating.

But regardless, this is THEIR thing, and about their kid, not you. So, I'd make clear you're opting out of this whole situation, period, and suggest to him he takes this to the appropriate people per whatever custody agreements, legally, they have.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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sunkissedx
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I dont think a month is enough either but shes very bitter about the situation thats whats making the whole situations worse and im feeling sorry for him, but she said 9 month surely thats a bit too much who knows , yes i totally agree though im going to stay out thanksyou so much for your help x
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Heather
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Again, this isn't about you, it's about parenting choices for their kid. So, I don't think it's appropriate here for you, as a person who isn't this kid's parent and doesn't even know this kid, to be calling that one, you know? (And I also don't think 9 months is a long time to suggest someone should be dating before they meet a child: the kid isn't going to feel those months passing, after all, since they, ideally, don't know about you, and what's best for them is what's important here, not what you want, for whatever reason you do.)

You've only been dating for a month. The kid and his or her best interest aside, that also seems awfully soon to me for you to find yourself dealing with this. In other words, I don't think it's appropriate, personally, for him to be involving you so much in this, either. So, again, I'd step away, and if he keeps bringing this stuff to you, I'd ask for some boundaries around that. You've barely been dating: it's awfully soon for him to be involving you in anything like this. I'd ask him to please, for now, while you're just starting to date, to not involve you in this stuff at all.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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