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Author Topic: It Hurts to Finger Myself
pinkwolf
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I feel like I'll never have sex. The thought of my boyfriend's penis inside of me is VERY appealing, but I'm afraid of then pain as well.

I'm able to put my own index finger in my vagina. I have no luck with tampons or other objects.

My boyfriend has tried to put his pinky finger inside. That didn't work. And I've had a very bad experience at the gynecologist. Her tools were inserted, but it was very very uncomfortable, most likely due to an infection.

I haven't had an infection lately, and I fingered myself yesterday successfully, but it feels so uncomfortable. When I try to insert my middle finger inside, it feels a little tight and hurts a bit, so I stop. I can't imagine what two fingers would feel like, or even a penis!

I feel like I'm never going to have sex because of the pain.

What do I do?

Posts: 12 | From: Dallas, US | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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Have you seen this article yet? From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse
Why don't you start with that, and then you can come back with any further questions!

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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pinkwolf
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Yeah I've read that article plenty of times...
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September
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So, then you know that you can discount your experience with the gynecologist, as that doesn't happen in a context where you are relaxed or aroused. Few people find gynecological exams pleasant.

The times that you've tried to insert a finger, or that your partner has tried to do so, where you completely relaxed? Were you turned on and wanted that type of stimulation? Did you make sure to use lots of lube and go very slowly?

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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pinkwolf
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I read that religiously when I attempted to have sex.

It's frustrating that I can't find any answers.

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pinkwolf
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Yes, I asked my partner to try to insert a finger inside. When he does, it's like his pushing his finger into a wall. Same when he tried to insert his penis.

Being the mood and completely aroused is never a problem.

Seriously, is it even possible to remain completely relaxed when you're expecting pain? How can you not expect pain when you're vagina's never stretched that far before. It really confuses me when people say it'll just "open".

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September
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It's true: when you anticipate pain, you are much more likely to experience it. The anticipation makes you tense up, and that can make entry painful.

So, if you find that you've ended up in that cycle where you experience pain because you anticipate it and vice versa, it's a good idea to take a break from the activities that are causing you pain. Focus on other activities instead that give you pleasure. That way, your body can sort of unlearn the expectation of pain, and can focus on pleasure and feeling good. That can help you relax, and in turn feel more aroused. And the more aroused you are, the less likely you are to experience pain with entry.

And most of all, don't pressure yourself. If you're focusing on making it work, and pressuring yourself into it, that can also be a reason why you are tense. So try to not to worry too much about it. Sex isn't a race or a competition. It's all about going at your own pace, and doing what feels best to you.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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pinkwolf
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If I've managed to get at least one finger inside by myself, how do I progress into bigger objects?
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pinkwolf
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quote:
Originally posted by September:
it's a good idea to take a break from the activities that are causing you pain. Focus on other activities instead that give you pleasure. That way, your body can sort of unlearn the expectation of pain, and can focus on pleasure and feeling good. That can help you relax, and in turn feel more aroused. And the more aroused you are, the less likely you are to experience pain with entry.

I don't quite understand how this will help? Are you saying when I attempt to have my boyfriend finger me and it doesn't work, proceed to something else that I know I will enjoy? But, what do I do when I want to get back to trying fingering again? I believe that I will still anticipate the pain.
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September
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What I'm saying is that you two may want to talk about taking a break from trying to engage in manual sex. Not just when you are acutely experiencing pain, but in general. Take a week or two, and during that time, try not to think about it and don't try to push yourself to make it work.

If it's constantly on your mind and you're constantly trying to force it, it almost becomes a chore. And sex isn't supposed to be a chore, it's supposed to be fun. So if one particular activity doesn't work, the best thing to do is to focus on the things that do work and that you do like. Because that what sex is supposed to be about: pleasure.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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pinkwolf
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That's really hard to take in because I've been having dry sex with my boyfriend for years. I'm bored with it. I want to try something new, and that's actual sex. But because of the pain, I feel like I'll never get to it.
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September
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Dry sex and manual sex are by far not your only options when it comes to being physical together, you know.

Have you seen this article yet?
What's Sex?

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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pinkwolf
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Of course.
But vaginal sex is something that I've never had before and I really want to experience it. I wish I had the answers as to why it's not working out for me.

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Heather
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Have you gone through the steps in that article you've said you already read? For instance, the first thing suggested is to see a healthcare provider and rule out any health or strictly physical issues that can cause pain or discomfort with vaginal entry. Did you already do that?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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pinkwolf
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I did visit my gynecologist, but she wasn't very comforting or understanding. I'm in the process of finding a doctor that'll take the time to work with me.
Posts: 12 | From: Dallas, US | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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