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Author Topic: Conflicting Feelings...
samanthamt
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I'm 21 years old and I'm in my first semester of nursing school. It's amazing, I love it, I would never want to do anything to jeopardize becoming an RN, I worked really hard to get into the nursing program at my school. A couple weeks ago I had a huge pregnancy scare. I was so positive I was pregnant, till the test came out negative of course lol. And at first (before I took the test) I was terrified and freaked out, but excited at the same time. I'm in no way trying to get pregnant, and I think deep down I don't want a child right now, but through all the fear I had when I thought I was pregnant, I was strangely excited. It was weird...like...I didn't want to be pregnant, but then again I thought to myself, if I am, I would be happy. Almost like I sort of wanted it. But I'm in nursing school, I'm engaged, to a man who, lets just say, if we were to have a baby out of wedlock it would ruin his career. He's in ministry. I have so much left to accomplish and I want to be established before I start a family. But ever since this scare there's this little nagging part of me that wants a baby. Is this normal? Is it just some sort of maternal instinct? I just can't figure out why on earth I'm feeling this way. I do have a therapist, but my appointment is weeks away, she's booked, and not knowing why I'm feeling like this is driving me crazy. Probably because if it was someone else telling me the same thing I could give them a rational reason, but for myself I just have no idea.

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Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.
-Abraham Lincoln

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turtle_lady
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Wow, this is such an interesting approach! And you know what...I've been in this place! My fiance and I are both Christian and having a child out of wedlock wouldn't be the best thing for everything that's going on in our life right now. I've have had a few pregnancy scares in the past 2 years and of course I was scared stiffless at the time...but I also daydream about the day when I am pregnant, having a little part of me and the love of my life growing inside me...I'm thinking it must be maternal instinct. The part of us that wants a family. I used to be terrified that I would be pregnant. As a teenager, I thought touching private parts could accidentally make me pregnant. I mean, with 6 months til my wedding, it would not be an ideal time to have a baby...and I take all precaution with contraceptives...but I don't think it would be so bad. Having a child would be so wonderful...I've also been hanging around pregnant women at my church [Razz] But yeah...I wouldn't say your desire for a child is strange...I think it's a natural desire for family [Embarrassed] ) I'm glad I'm not alone in this!!

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~Kayla Christine~

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turtle_lady
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(I APPOLOGIZE TO ANY STAFF OF SCARLETEEN IF THIS APPEARS TO BE ADVICE RESPONSE BECAUSE THAT IS NOT MY INTENT, I AM JUST EXCITED THAT I CAN RELATE TO SOMEONE ON THIS TOPIC AND I EXPRESS THIS WITH A RESPONSE! [Smile] )

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~Kayla Christine~

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Heather
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turtle_lady: we have asked you multiple times NOT to post replies in this area of the boards. As we have explained to you in the past, this area is for users to post in who do not WANT user replies, and who only want staff or volunteer responses. responding here isn't just against our guidelines, it's disrespectful of the users who choose to post in this area's wishes.

This needs to be the last time you do this. As with any user, you need to respect our guidelines and protocols here. In the future, if you want to say something about a post you see here like this, you can always make a new thread in another area of the boards.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(samanthamt: sorry about that.)

By all means, many people in the world have positive feelings about pregnancy and/or parenting, including at times when they know that the timing isn't right, or would be challenging. Just because you knew now would be a very tough time to be pregnant doesn't mean you would automatically have felt negative about the possibility.

I don't think you need rational reasons here: feelings often aren't about rationality.

The only thing that really grabbed my attention with this, though, was you talking about what sounds like you being in a sexual relationship with someone that I assume is being kept very secret. Do I have that right? If so, how are you feeling about a secret sexual relationship? That tends to be pretty hard on people, so it might also be that some of these feelings were about the idea of having something that would put a stop to having to live that way.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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samanthamt
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Yes, it's pretty much totally secret, only my close friends and family know, none of his friends or family do. He's not married or anything, but he's a minister. And it honestly really sucks having to keep it a secret.

I feel like when we're around his family and friends that I have to be a different person. And not only that, but I'm in nursing school, and so are all my friends, since we're all being tortured together lol, we're very close, and I don't know about other groups of friends, but my friends talk about sex sometimes. Not in detail, but we do. I mean we're all adults ect., but there are a lot of people that I just have to act completely clueless around.

People assume that because I'm engaged to a minister that I've never done anything wrong in my life which is so incredibly far from the truth. I hate lying to my friends, but if the wrong person found out and told the right person he would lose his job and would likely never get hired anywhere again. Now that you mention it, the feelings I was/am having might be geared partly towards the fact that there would be no more hiding.

Obviously from my previous posts here, I wasn't a "virgin" when I met him. He was raised in a totally different way than I was. And honestly sometimes I feel guilty that we're having sex. I know that he made the decision just like I did, but I worry that I may have somehow pressured him into it. I never said "if we can't have sex then we can't be together" but I did express how I thought that sex is an important part of a relationship, not just intercourse, but sexual activity in general. Because when we first started dating there was nothing sexual going on at all, which isn't a negative exactly. But to me it was.

I'm a very sexual person and I don't know why or how to explain exactly how I may have pressured him into it. We did talk about it often, always disagreeing but I still continued to bring it up, I was truly just trying to understand his point of view because it made no sense to me. Then about five months into our relationship he suddenly decided it was okay, after expressing over and over to me that he didn't view it as okay outside of marriage. I've asked him if he feels like I pressured him into it and he says no...but there's still that feeling that I did. It's also hurtful that no one knows because it makes me feel like maybe he's ashamed...which he probably is because of the values he was raised with. Basically it can just be really lonely, and it sucks.

[ 11-16-2011, 06:42 PM: Message edited by: samanthamt ]

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Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.
-Abraham Lincoln

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Heather
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You know, sounds to me like if a pregnancy scared got you really thinking and feeling all of this -- very big! -- stuff through, that's pretty awesome. These are obviously pretty huge issues, so not addressing them would be problematic.

Hopefully it's obvious I don't mean feeling like you do is awesome: it certainly sounds really isolating and pretty darn awful. I'm so sorry you've been in this kind of situation.

Have you talked any of this out in more depth? What about talking about trying to find some ways where you are not so much in the position of feeling like a dirty secret in terms of what's really going on?

It does sound to me, though, like you're taking responsibility here for something that isn't yours. He's a grown person, and chances are awfully good that he chose to have sex and a sexual relationship with you simply because he wanted one. You've been around a while now, and I have a hard time, based on what I know of you, I have a hard time seeing this as likely being about you pressuring him. As I recall, this relationship was also one where he engaged in some kinds of sex with you pretty much from the start AND where you knew the limitations around sex weren't feeling good for you, but you asked for help in working that out, something people who pressure don't tend to do: http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/3/t/011281/p/1.html#000000

It's not at all unusual for people to make one set of sexual choices for a long time then change their minds. It's also not unusual for people to have sex in romantic relationships, as you know. And that absolutely includes people who are religious and who are religious leaders. I probably don't also have to tell you that this person is hardly the first religious leader or person to have a sexual life which is very different than the values they espouse or ask of others.

Can I check in with you to see how you're feeling about this relationship, as it stands really being a good one for you? I assume there are parts of this that don't leave you feeling this way, but I don't know that for sure, and also don't know if how things are is something you feel you can really live with and be happy in. It certainly sounds like it would be pretty hard, and this all is about choices, for both of you. It obviously doesn't have to be this way, whether the option is you moving on, him deciding not to stay in a position/job where he's choosing to live a double life (and that isn't consistent with his personal choices and relationships), or you two finding some way to compromise so it's not like this.

[ 11-16-2011, 06:56 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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samanthamt
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I've never really expressed my feelings to him about how isolated I feel regarding the sexual part of our relationship. One thing that has always been in the back of my mind that would help us with this is to talk to a good friend of ours, but he won't, because this is his mentor who happens to be a social worker/minister. But I personally think he would understand and have really good advice. I even have considered just talking to our friend alone, but I just don't think that would be okay. I know he's not the first religious leader to live a life that is different from what they ask of others (which I think is probably what gets him the most about this, he is supposed to be an example, and by having sex with me, it sort of ruins that). I love him, so much. It's the best relationship I've ever had. He makes me happy, and if I have to live this way for the next two years (till I'm through with school) until we're married, then I can deal with that. I don't know that there is any compromise to be made...the one thing that would take so much...guilt, pressure, stress...away from this is to tell our friend. I really respect him, my fiance really respects him...The one thing I'm sure of is that I love him and he loves me, he's the one for me. I'm not highly religious, and I honestly am not sure what the guidelines are regarding religion on this forum, but I think that God brought us together (I hope that my saying that doesn't break any rules on the forum). If it came down to being with me or leaving ministry he already has said that he would leave it. But I don't want him to have to make that choice.

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Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.
-Abraham Lincoln

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samanthamt
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Heather, I had completely forgotten about that post. We ultimately ended up having sex after that, but I don't recall a specific conversation leading up to it. I do feel that this relationship is healthy. We do have varying beliefs to an extent, but that doesn't mean its an unhealthy relationship does it? Honestly you'd think I would know this, but it's different when you're in it.

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Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.
-Abraham Lincoln

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Heather
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So, it sounds to me like it is beyond fair for you to simply say to your partner that a) you are feeling just this isolated and b) you really, really need to talk to someone, ideally this friend.

I'd make clear you have made some pretty amazing sacrifices here, and it's clear the sacrifice is much more on your end than his. How about if his friend would assure you both the talk would be confidential, as he probably would? I think if he would do that, then there's nothing to lose here and wuite a lot to gain.

Honestly, I think staying like this has been for much longer sounds pretty emotionally unhealthy to me, for both of you. But before we take it any further than that, how about having this talk and being firm on needing him to make a little compromise himself just by agreeing to this talk, if not for both of you, at least for you alone.

(Btw, we have readers from so many different cultural and religious backgrounds, and are totally fine with people expressing pretty much any religious feelings they may have here, so long as they're not assigning them to or putting them on other people. So, it's all good. [Smile] )

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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samanthamt
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Yeah, that sounds good. I'll keep you updated. Thanks Heather [Smile]

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Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.
-Abraham Lincoln

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samanthamt
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We talked, and he agreed to go see my own personal therapist with me, he doesn't want to talk to his friend, which is okay with me, it'll probably be awhile before we both have a break in our schedules to go together, but that's just the way it is. I also just made it really clear that I wasn't going to pretend that our relationship was anything but...what it is. It's not going to be a secret anymore. I'm not going to lie to my friends, I'm just going to be myself. I obviously am not going to go around telling everyone I know about my sex life, which isn't something I personally would do anyways. So, I think things have been resolved to an extent. I think I'll feel even better about things when I get to vent to my therapist alone, I haven't gotten to go for a while [Smile]

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Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.
-Abraham Lincoln

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Heather
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samanthamt: I'm so, so glad to hear you've drawn the lines you need to take care of yourself, and to insist in this relationship being one that takes both of your needs into real account. That is AWESOME.

I'm also glad to hear he's at least agreed to the step of seeing your therapist together.

How are you feeling about these changes?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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samanthamt
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I'm feeling good. Definitely more at peace with our the relationship, the uneasy feeling is gone. When you mentioned it might not be healthy relationship for me I really freaked out. My last two relationships have been abusive in one way or another, so to think of this one being unhealthy was scary. But I'm glad that I talked to him about it [Smile]

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Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.
-Abraham Lincoln

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Heather
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I'm so very glad.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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samanthamt
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Thank you for all your help Heather [Smile] Scarleteen is such a great resource!

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Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any one thing.
-Abraham Lincoln

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