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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » My friend is in a abusive relationship and I don't know what to do.

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Author Topic: My friend is in a abusive relationship and I don't know what to do.
LivingLife1StepAtATime
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Member # 80524

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So one of my good friends, lets call her "R" has been dating a boy I know "J." Now J and R have been dating about a year now but J is psychologically abusive to R. R's father, who she is no longer in contact with, was abusive toward R and R's mother when she was little. However, I don't know the type of abuse that he did to R and her mother.

At the same time that R and J started dating, R began theory to try to help with her emotional problems due to her father. Now J tells her she isn't allowed to hang out with us (her "old" friends per say)and not only that, when R told her therapists that we her friends were telling her to get out of the relationship because he is completely afraid of saying no to him and that he doesn't treat her right, this therapist tells her that she should dump us because J makes her happy, when J is a part of her problem to being with.

We went to R's mother about this and she told us that she would call the police on us if we ever when to R's house again because we are trying to hurt her! R's mom thinks we are attacking R when J is the one causing all of the pain.

I am the ONLY person J lets R talk to from her old friends because my boyfriend and J used to be friends, I also was sick the day that all of my friends went to R's house to talk to her mom.

I REALLY need some way to talk to R without her trying to push me away like everyone else and her mom trying to call the police on me... I just want to help R but she refuses to see the problem =( I think she is in denial. I just need some help

Posts: 24 | From: US; East Coast | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stephanie_1
Scarleteen Volunteer
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Do you think she may be willing to at least read something on this? Let her know you understand she needs to make her own decision (and unfortunately in this she DOES need to make her own decision to walk away). We have a great abusive partner checklist I can link for you that you can pass on to her. I'm really sorry to hear that others are reacting in the way they are.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3429 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LivingLife1StepAtATime
Neophyte
Member # 80524

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Ive tried to hint at it, but the second J comes up in a conversation she seriously just walks away and refuses to talk about it. Its taking a HUGE toll on her, her grades have dropped, she doesn't see anyone but him, and he told her that she can't play softball this year because he doesn't like us and her mother supports him in this. Not to mention that J is always flirting with other girls all day long
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britishindeed
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My mum was in an abusive relationship with my dad and my sister's dad before him, both physically and mentally. she says that you're addicted to that person as that person makes you feel like you're nothing without them and you think that it's "love". from what she's told me, i can only say (unhelpfully perhaps) that your friend won't listen to you as she's addicted and will put that drug before everything else, even though it's damaging her. you need to get her to trust you, and don't mention him at all. if this is too much, the solution is simple: stop being friends with her. it's too much for a teenager to take, it's not your responsibility. you gotta look out for yourself, it's so easy to get sucked into other people's problems without solutions by trying to be "a good friend". she'll work it all out one day, and maybe she'll have failed her exams and missed out etc. but it's NOT your fault. you deserve a friend as good as you.
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Karybu
Scarleteen Volunteer
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(Britishindeed, this section of the boards is for staff and volunteer replies only. See you around the rest of the forums.)

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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britishindeed
Neophyte
Member # 87400

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oh sorry, i didn't know. delete what i put then please.
Posts: 6 | From: London | Registered: Nov 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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