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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » My boyfriend sometimes likes to have sex with me while i'm asleep??

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Author Topic: My boyfriend sometimes likes to have sex with me while i'm asleep??
Jinjy
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Member # 68836

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well, you see sometimes i go to sleep and he'll start playing with me while i'm sleeping. sometimes i notice but i think i am just dreaming, then at some point i wake up and we have sex. I don't mind it but i'm just wanting to know why he does this. i ask him and he never really gives an answer so have any ideas?

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red heads make me wet

Posts: 4 | From: Louisiana | Registered: Jun 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
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Someone who is asleep cannot give consent to sexual activity. So unless an agreement is made specifically about starting sexual activity while the other is asleep, what you are talking about is a form of sexual assault.

Have you and your partner talked about initiating sex while one if you is still asleep? Do you have an agreement about this?

It sounds like you are not okay with him initiating sexual contact, so that is something that you need to let him know. If he's not okay with respecting this boundary, then he is not a safe partner for you to be with.

Do you think he will listen to you and respect you if you let him know how you feel? If not, I'd encourage you to leave this sexual relationship, as it is not safe for you.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Jinjy
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Member # 68836

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oh no i don't mind it at all, i like it when he does it, i was just wondering why he does wait till i'm asleep to try and get sex

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red heads make me wet

Posts: 4 | From: Louisiana | Registered: Jun 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
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Well, that's not a question that we can answer for you. You will have to ask him to explain it to you.

One more thing: even if you do like it, if this is something that he started doing without discussing it with you first, that's not okay. So maybe now is a good time to have a conversation about this, set your boundaries of what's okay and what isn't. And then you can also ask him what it is that he likes about initiating sex when you are asleep.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jinjy
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we have talked about it and i said it was ok way before he started doing it, trust me i know its not for everyone but i enjoy it and this is in no way done w/o my say so, please don't put words in my mouth

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red heads make me wet

Posts: 4 | From: Louisiana | Registered: Jun 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Jinjy: I think what Joey was trying to voice was that often consent agreements where we say someone has consent to do something with or to us at any time, without being able to get our consent AT the time, or at times when we can lawfully and practically give consent can be problematic, both legally and interpersonally.

In other words, per the laws of most places, it's considered assault to have sex with someone who is asleep or otherwise unconscious, and there are sound reasons for that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
blush
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Here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somnophilia

I suggest that you should look up more on this kink. Its just one of those things that turn people on. Just like any other kink like a food play kink, bondage kink, etc

I'm sure the other replies meant no offense. Its just that there have been cases where a boyfriend did this and it had been rape. You weren't exactly clear and it could have been either way. Its not your fault for not being clear because he is your boyfriend so you would be scandalized if anyone thought he did rape you,however, we do not know who he is or how he acts with you so unless you straight out tell us you two talked about it and you consented we have no way of knowing and as such no way of answering correctly.

[ 06-26-2011, 01:00 AM: Message edited by: orose37 ]

Posts: 60 | From: Windy LittleTown | Registered: Jun 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jinjy
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Member # 68836

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oh i thought i had put we had talked about it and i just noticed i didn't.. thats my mistake, however he has told me that he has sexomnia*miss spelled* and i'm total ok with it, just to let everyone know i was just wanting know why he likes it more when i'm asleep. for me i am my horniest when i'm between awake and asleep maybe he picks up on that

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red heads make me wet

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Sexomnia is a legitimate medical disorder, however it is relatively rare, and also isn't about liking sex more when a PARTNER is asleep, nor is it influenced by anything you yourself may like or be doing.

Rather, it's a disorder in which when a person themselves are asleep, they will unconsciously initiate sexual activity, either via masturbation or to those sleeping with them. In other words, if this was sexomnia, your partner would be the one asleep, not just you.

Has he been diagnosed with this or any related sleep disorders? If not, and he really thinks this is what this is -- and for that to be the case, he himself would need to be asleep when it occurs -- it would be sound for him to talk with his healthcare provider. There are a few reasons for that, including that people with sexomnia DO have a sleep disorder that will tend to impact them being able to sleep well (which is a health issue) and because it can sometimes result in injuries to oneself or partners or partners NOT being okay with this. Since you're unlikely to be his only sexual partner in his life, the fact that you're okay with it isn't a sound reason for him to avoid checking in with a doctor about it, for those reasons and more.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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