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Author Topic: Safe sex with a new partner
Juggernaut Heart
Neophyte
Member # 60503

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I'm in a sex communication pickle. I just started seeing a new guy -- it's casual and very fun. We both want to have sex as soon as possible. Trouble is, he was insulted when I suggested that we use protection for all our sex play. He thought I was accusing him of being a "dirty" person who "gets around." He says he's tested regularly and never came up positive for anything, which makes me feel better, but I'm not comfortable sleeping with someone I just met without protection.

I don't feel pressured. But I think he doesn't understand enough about STIs to realize that even "clean" people can become infected without knowing it, and I don't know how to talk to him about that.

I've never had a problem agreeing on protection with other partners, so I'm not sure what to say. Can someone give me some pointers on how to talk to a new (stubborn) partner about safe sex? I would prefer not to give him an ultimatum (for now). Thank you in advanced!

Posts: 2 | From: Chicago, IL | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stephanie_1
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 36725

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Hey Juggernaut Heart: Welcome to Scarleteen.

Have you tried explaining to him just as you did above, that STIs are not about being dirty? Tons of people get STIs every year, not because they're dirty or anything like that, simply because they're not understanding how important protection is. Too? You could simply state that while you trust him, it's not about trust and if sex of any kind if going to happen protection is just one of the non-negotiable points.

Also, for more pointers: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

[ 03-28-2011, 10:18 PM: Message edited by: Stephanie_1 ]

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'm having a tough time answering this, and let me tell you why.

personally? I just nix sex with folks who react like that. I figure it's a sign about readiness, and they're showing me they're not ready. In my book someone ready for sex isn't defensive about this stuff.

But if you don't feel that way, do you think he'd be receptive to some education around it or not?

(Also, one more thing: I find that people who get tested regularly don't have those attitudes, because it's really incongruent with getting tested regularly. Same goes with people getting tested a lot, but not using safer sex. So, your gut feeling: are you sure he's being honest about that?)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Juggernaut Heart
Neophyte
Member # 60503

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Thanks for responding! I'm a little conflicted about how to approach this situation, so it's really helpful to talk about it.

I'm definitely reluctant to get involved with someone who doesn't use protection. But the more I think about it, I think he misunderstood me and got defensive because I (stupidly) volunteered that I don't always like the way condoms feel. So it probably sounded like, "I would prefer not to use condoms, but for you I will make an exception." I was so taken aback by his reaction that the conversation just sort of ended there; I didn't explain myself well enough. I'm going to try to talk to him about it again and just tell him that I always use protection with non-monogamous partners, no matter who they are.

And no, I'm not confident that he's being honest about getting tested regularly. I can't know for sure since I don't know him very well. Even if he's telling the truth, there's no way to test for HPV in men. I suspect he doesn't know that about HPV, so I'll talk to him about it. If he still doesn't care, I guess that's my cue to show him the door.

Incidentally, can someone recommend a barrier for oral sex? Everything I've used before has really dulled sensation.

Thank you again!

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Kath
Neophyte
Member # 48639

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I've heard that saran wrap is a good substitute for other barrier methods for oral, at least with women being on the recieving end. Though I don't see how it wouldn't work for men as well.

Betty Dodson talks about it here:

How to Enjoy Oral Sex and Not Get HPV

Posts: 20 | From: Australia | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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(Just FYI, Kath, this area is where users can post who want staff or volunteer replies only.)

Juggernaut, in terms of barriers for cunnilingus, are you sure you've been using them well? For instance, when using dental dams, it often makes a big difference to be sure to put lube on the vulva first before putting a dam over the area. Then you can really smooth the dam on there. Your partner will also want to be sure they're not holding the edges too tightly so the dam winds up floating above your vulva, which would result in less sensation.

Another option can be to use a glove as a dam in kind of a wacky way: you cut the glove down the side of the last finger, open it up, and then the partner can spread the glove across your vulva and stick their tongue in the thumb of it.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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