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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Problems with arousal?

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Author Topic: Problems with arousal?
Vralaena
Neophyte
Member # 53734

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This is a little embarrassing, but I am pretty desperate for answers, so i'll give it a go.
I am a 17-year-old girl, currently dating a fantastic boy. i really enjoy being with him, but the problem is I can't get aroused! He's the first person i've ever really 'been' with, so i have no prior experience. When he performs oral sex or anything like that on me (and he clearly knows what he's doing, haha) i don't really feel much. we've never actually had sex. sometimes, if there is enough 'momentum' so to speak, i do feel a sort of building sensation but it's not what i'd define as pleasurable and it drops off quite quickly - sort of like I have to pee? (hence the embarrassing). this sort of sensation also occurs when i try to masturbate vigorously; again, too little and i feel nothing at all.
so there's my dilemma. any help would be greatly appreciated!

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Pumpkin_Pie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5822

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Hi Vralena,

Your situation isn't unique and there's no need to feel embarasssed - well done on asking the question and trying to find answers!

Are there situations where you feel aroused besides when you're having sex?

Do you think that it's possible that you're not ready for sexual activity just yet?

Rebecca

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Vralaena
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Member # 53734

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whew, that's a relief. thanks so much; this site really rocks.
um, not really lately and not too often, but yeah, sometimes arousal does happen other times. steamy movie scenes, that sort of thing, haha.
i'd definitely consider that, but i'm seventeen! isn't my body supposed to be hormone central at this point? to be honest, it sounds silly but i'm worried i'm 'broken' or something.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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The idea that arousal and desire is mostly about hormones is problematic, because, on the whole, it's really not. That's one piece, sure, but only one of many. If it helps to understand it in a different way, in old age, when people's sexual hormones have radically changed and diminished, plenty of folks still have strong sexual desires.

All of our pace with this is radically individual, and really isn't about age. With women in particular, it can take a while for many to identify what brings about feelings of desire, what they desire, and what is and feels earnestly sexy and sexual, uniquely. That can be particularly hard if you're getting a lot of messages about what SHOULD turn you on or when you should feel sexual, since so many of those messages aren't realistic for so many people.

So, this guy is fantastic: but does even just being around him make your knees turn to jelly? Do you feel strong desires to be sexual with him?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Vralaena
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Member # 53734

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not a strong desire, no, but it's there.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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The thing is, that tells you a lot. Sexual desire, when we feel it, and want to expect that sexual activities are going to feel profound, needs to be strong. Not just kind of hanging around somewhere filing its nails. [Smile]

If and when our desire is lukewarm, the most we can usually expect of our responses is that they, too, will be lukewarm.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Vralaena
Neophyte
Member # 53734

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haha! well, that does kind of explain a lot. so you think when that desire warms up things will get better?
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'm quite sure of it.

But in the meantime, how about not having any kind of sex (including masturbation) unless you are really feeling that desire strongly?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Vralaena
Neophyte
Member # 53734

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hm. that's an interesting suggestion. i'll give it a shot. thank you so much. [Smile]
Posts: 6 | From: Canada | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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