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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » My boyfriend wont get hard

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Author Topic: My boyfriend wont get hard
Mookie
Neophyte
Member # 52401

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months, it's been official since September. In the beginning I was abstinent and he would get hard whenever we touched kissed or eachother. Now that we're together we've been trying to have sex and it hasn't been happening. We both really want it and everytime we try it just gets more disappointing. He never had this problem in any of his past relationships. I'm starting to think it's my fault, and he's not attracted to me. He says thats not the case, but its getting hard to believe. He gets more angry with each try, causing him lack of sleep and sexual frusration. I'm uneasy daily because I know it's on his mind all day, and I don't know what to do. It's not easy for him to talk to me about what's going on, so I don't know if I should talk to him to determine if we can figure this out. What can I do to help our situation?
Posts: 13 | From: Philadelphia | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, it sounds like there is a LOT of pressure around all of this. If he's getting angry and you're getting insecure, those feelings and dynamics all by themselves are going to keep most people from getting turned on a whole lot.

Have you two been able to talk, first, about how it's totally okay if he doesn't get an erection, and how there are LOTS of kinds of sex we can have without an erection or penis? Have you both done some of your own unpacking, like working out why you feel insecure and he feels angry? have you both made room for the fact that all by itself, there's often a lot of pressure on people who waited to have sex be magically perfect or always just right?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Mookie
Neophyte
Member # 52401

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I recently decided that it's no reason for me to feel that it's my fault. IT's just something neither one of us can control. I want to talk to him about it, but I know he won't feel comfortable talking to me about the situation. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can approach him with this conversation, or how I can make him comfortable enough to discuss it with me?
Posts: 13 | From: Philadelphia | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Good on you! A sound conclusion.

You know, if we and a partner really can't be comfortable enough to talk about sex yet, I think the truth is that we probably shouldn't be having it yet. Know what I mean?

In order to have healthy sexual relationships, we have to be able to talk about anything going on with the sex we're having. If we or a partner feels we can't, or that that is just way too much, that's a good cue that we're moving much too fast, and we/they need more time to build trust and comfort together first.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Mookie
Neophyte
Member # 52401

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Thanks for the advice
Posts: 13 | From: Philadelphia | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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