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Author Topic: i dont like sex
georgiexx
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this problem is making me so depressed and feel so abnormal, and like im really missing out. i have never ever enjoyed sex with my boyfriend. i love and and fancy him but i feel like im just dead from the waist down. foreplay isnt nice at all, and neither is the actual intercourse part. everyone goes on about how oral sex is amazing, but it feels like absolutely nothing for me! and its not like hes doing it wrong, he licks my clit, and hes tried it at different pressures and speeds and everything. fingering also feels horrible, and with that i actually get a sensation, but its not nice! i just want him to stop. i dont think oral is dirty or worry that i smell or look funny, which i know is a reason why some girls dont like oral. but i have no problem with it so why dont i feel anything! its so frustrating because afterwards hes laying there all satisfied and im laying there with nothing, and sometimes i just cry. whats wrong with me??
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Stephanie_1
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Hey georgiexx: Welcome to Scarleteen.

Sorry to hear you've had such bad experiences. I'm going to back up some in terms of all this and ask how things feel alone in terms or masturbation (or if you've ever done so). Most people find what works for them and feels good for them via masturbation and exploration alone first. Also, are you making sure before you try having sex of any kind that you're really feeling like you *want* to be having sex of any kind? Are you feeling relaxed and aroused? Because if you're not, that's a huge part of sex and foreplay feeling pleasurable.

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Heather
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Also, when you do NOT want to have any kind of sex, or when you did, but then want your partner to stop, are you making clear you don't want to do that and then you both ARE stopping?

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georgiexx
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i have tried masturbation and it just doesnt seem to work? its not pleasurable at all. sometimes i feel really in the mood, and its nice when my boyfriend touches me in other places,like when he strokes down my side or cuddles me, but when he touches down there, the feeling just isn't nice. i WANT to like it, and i really want to enjoy it, i feel abnormal and it just seems unfair that i dont get any pleasure from it. he never pressures me or anything, and if i want to stop, we stop.
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georgiexx
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and i do want to have sex, but the whole subject of sex depresses me because it doesnt do anything for me when it should. my friends all like it, and when they talk about it, it makes me want to cry because i dont feel normal. i feel like i dont work properly
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Heather
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Well, we don't always experience pleasure from being touched genitally by just anyone or at any time. In other words, if you have the idea that what's normal is for that to always feel good in every situation, please know that's not true.

Can I ask if this person has been your only sexual partner? And if, if the pace were totally up to you, not a partner, you feel like you'd be initiating genital sex at this point? In other words, do you feel like you're ready for that -- not your friends, not your partner, just you -- yet?

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georgiexx
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yeah hes the only person i've slept with. when i had sex the first time we had being going out for only 4 days, and i always said that i would wait longer than that and i did regret it at first. but i've been with him a year and a half now, and if i hadnt't of slept with him as soon as i did, i definately would of by now. i think i'm ready. but i just dont see myself enjoying it, and i don't know what to do. i know that sex and sexual stuff doesnt feel good for everyone else every single time, but i have never ever ever got something nice from it, and i dont feel like thats normal.
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georgiexx
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and i'm jealous that other people get to feel this pleasure, and i dont
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Heather
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Well, I think it's okay to feel that way, but I'd be aware that other people are often going to have things we don't, or have experienced things we haven't yet. And I'd remember this probably is a yet.

It's tough to talk about this as being separate from your relationship because it may not be. Were you pressured at all into having sex that soon when you say it's not what you wanted and you felt regret about it?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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so its normal not to feel anything? no i wasnt, he said loads of times that we didnt have to, but i did and i dont know why. i dont really think about it badly now though because i've been with him for ages and i love him, so it wasnt a mistake. it just sucks because sex is supposed to be something nice that you have when you love someone and makes you feel all close and connected, but i dont have that [Frown]
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Heather
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If and when we're really not sexually excited, or we have any kind of emotional or interpersonal conflict, or we really do not want to be doing what we are, either feeling nothing or little or feeling pain are common.

Sex doesn't always make people feel closer: again, this really is very individual and very unique to the relationship and context.

I'd like to ask you a few more questions, if that's okay.

You say that afterwards, he's laying feeling all satisfied: does that mean that when things hurt for you, or don't feel good, he's not stopping, but doing whatever he is until he feels finished? Does he seem at all bothered by you feeling the way you do; when you are feeling that way, does he want to stop or keep going?

Here's a trickier question: I hear you when you say you love this person and fancy him. But we won't really want to have sex or be sexual with everyone we love and fancy, for a host of possible reasons. Can you sort out if you're sure you really want to be sexual with this person, rather than feeling like you should be, are supposed to, or mostly want to do these things because he does or to try and feel "normal?"

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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well it never feels good for me, but i do it anyway, i just do it until he finishes, because i like to be close to him, and cos i want to make him feel good. and its not like he doesnt try and make me feel good, he does try. and he gives me a cuddle after and stuff. nothing ever hurts, its just when he touches down there it feels like when someone tickles you and you hate it and want it to stop. why does that happen? he says that he thinks i just need to relax more, but i feel pretty relaxed? i do want to be sexual with him, but i want to actually feel pleasure, otherwise its just pointless for me. also sex is part of a relationship? not the most important thing, but it is part of it, so i want to enjoy it like everyone else does
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Heather
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Does he know it never feels good to you and still want to do it for his own pleasure anyway?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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well yeah, but if i didnt want to, he wouldnt make me or anything
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Heather
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Okay. I'm not making judgments here, I'm just trying to get a good sense of the dynamics, and I think I have a decent handle on them now. Let me explain why I asked those things.

You're talking about how sex is supposed to make you feel close and connected and it doesn't. From the sounds of the dynamics in your relationship alone, I'm not surprised it doesn't, because I'm hearing some things that basically assure you two are pretty DISconnected.

You're right, partnered sex is ideally supposed to be something that feels good for everyone. So, if in a partnership, one person is never feeling good, but is doing it anyway to try and please the other, and the other is having sex anyway knowing the other doesn't feel good, no one IS connecting. You can't connect that way. To really connect that way, sex only needs to be happening when both people want it as much for themselves, from their own desire, as because of someone else's desire, and when it's about BOTH people feeling good.

So, my first, and strongest advice, would be for you to stop having any ind of sex now and hereafter which you do not really want for yourself -- which you feel a strong, physical and emotional desire for, on your own -- and which does not feel good to you. It may well be that if you haven't had the kinds of dynamics going on that have been, and came to sex from THAT place, the place I'm suggesting, things would be feeling a lot better by now.

I can talk more about why if you want, but do you think you and your partner can make an agreement around that basic dynamic? That sex will NOT happen (whatever kind of sex) unless it is feeling good for you BOTH and is something you both want for yourselves, not just something anyone does to satiate the other?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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yeah i can tell him that, and he will be fine with it. i just wont feel like im in a normal relationship, as much as i'm probably wrong and nothing is 'normal'.
and yes, could you talk more about why im like this? because i dont really understand. if the clit is there solely for pleasure, why doesnt mine give me any? thanks for your advice by the way [Smile]

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georgiexx
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it does make me feel a bit crap that he doesnt openly seem to want to get to the cause of me feeling like this
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Heather
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I can imagine it does. I want to leave room for both of you in this, and not shift blame unto him that probably isn't appropriate. Because the fact of the matter is that it sounds like you've equally participated in setting a sexual precedent that it doesn't matter if it feels good to you or not. Know what I mean? If you have, then it's going to be way easier for him to fall into that. And if you also get very upset around not feeling "normal" and express that to him, he may also feel torn both because he has sexual desires, but also because you seem to suffer either way. In other words, if you don't have sex, you feel abnormal and insecure. If you do, you don't feel good.

Mind, I think he should be more concerned about this and be talking with you about taking sex off the table -- and you with him -- for now, even if those are hard conversations. But I get the sense you haven't actually had those conversations yet, so I'd start them and see how they go first before assuming he really wants to keep having sex knowing how you feel. Get my drift?

In terms of feeling clitoral pleasure, know that to really feel that, certain things have to be going on in your brain. If you don't feel sexual desire, if you're not really turned on, then what needs to happen in your central nervous system to amp all those nerve endings in your genitals can't be happening.

I get the sense, from you, that overall, genital sex just isn't where you're at yet in your own sexual development. You seem to be expressing that things like kissing and stroking (general body) feel good, but not genital sex. You don't seem to be interested in masturbation. What those things tell me is that you just may not be at genital sex yet: it may be far ahead of where you, as an individual with a unique sexuality (we all have one, and it's unique for all of us) really are at. In other words, I get the sense you moved way faster than you really wanted to and that felt right for you, and are now kind of stuck in a loop.

Do you know what I mean by that? Does that ring at all true for you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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I want to make sure to give you a link to read about pleasure and anatomy I think might help clue you in about some of this: With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(I think it might also help if you and I talked a little about your ideas of what a "normal relationship" is.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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yeah i understand that.and i know he wants me to feel good, but hes a 20 year old guy and i guess sex is important to him, and i think he does feel torn.i agree i should have that conversation with him, but i have alot of trouble talking about how i really feel, it makes me feel really nervous and scared, even the thought of it is making me cry right now. but i know it has to be done.
i think you might be right... i just dont feel like a sexual person, i just dont respond to stuff that involves down there. i feel kind of responsible for creating this loop, because i have never just said, 'this isnt right'. i've just gone along with it. thankyou for your help

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georgiexx
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and im guessing my idea of a 'normal' relationship isnt right?
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georgiexx
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also, im not sure how to say to him that sex won't be happening. not because i think he'll hate me or anything, but i just dont know how to phrase it. i dont want him to think im being selfish or i dont fancy him. im probably just being paranoid though
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Heather
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I'm happy to help. This is obviously becoming a pretty complex conversation, but I'm glad to keep having it as long as you'd like to.

I think the place to start with is the understanding that relationships are wildly diverse and there really is no "normal relationship." There are all kinds of relationships, and within those kinds, all kinds of diversity.

So, let's say you're talking about a sexual relationship. In something both people are agreed is a sexual relationship, yes, we'd expect people to be being sexual because in forming and agreeing to that kind of relationship they'd be expressing that's something they wanted. Do you know what I mean?

But sexual relationships aren't the only kinds of relationships, and aren't always what we want or need, nor are always the right relationship with everyone we may have feelings of love for.

Want to talk about why the thought of having that conversation makes you feel like crying? One of the reasons I ask that is that when you say you want closeness, these kinds of conversations are actually often the big ways we feel close around sex, sometimes far more so than with having sex. Are there things you're afraid of coming from this conversation? If so, want to talk about what they are?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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but what if i want a sexual relationship with him? thats the kind of relationship i want. i just hate talking out loud about how i really feel. I dont know why. and i'm scared that if i tell my boyfriend that we cant have sex he will be pissed off and then i wont know how to explain why its the best thing to do. because i get scared and anxious and my mind goes blank and i wont know what to say. he will probably be really understanding, but im just scared he wont be and i wont know how to explain or what to say.
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Heather
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Well, can we make sure that you do?

Because so far I'm hearing that you WANT to want sex, but not that you actually do want that at this point in your life. Can you make sure I'm understanding you correctly? Are you saying that that's incorrect, and you DO feel very strong desires to be sexual with this person?

Can I also ask why you think your boyfriend will be angry if you say you don't want to have sex? Are you understanding that in a healthy relationship, all of us always need to be okay with the fact that partners will not want sex sometimes and respect that? And that no one ever even needs a reason why they don't want to for that to be respected?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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well I do want to have sex with him, I find him sexually attractive, and when we are cuddling and hes stroking me or whatever, it makes me want to go further but my body just doesn't respond to it, like i said when he goes down there, nothing happens. and then any urge i did have to have sex just goes and i just want to get it done and over with and i lay there afterwards feeling like crap. either i feel nothing or i get the horrible feeling and we have to stop. i just want to feel pleasure.
i just get scared that he will, i've always been wary of men, in my head they get angry and they are nothing like women. i know thats not always true but thats just how i think, he's the first boy i have ever got close to, ever. before him i couldnt even sit next to a boy because i was scared of them, it sucked. and i know i dont have to have sex if i dont want to, and he should respect that, but when i think of just stopping totally, i think isnt that a bit selfish? cos he has needs? i dunno

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Heather
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We all have needs, but when it comes to sexual satisfaction, we don't actually need someone else to provide that for us. We can want that, but we can fill our physical sexual needs all by ourselves. It's not selfish to decline sex you don't want or which doesn't feel good, because you don't owe anyone sex and no one is entitled to it from you. Don't you think your boyfriend would decline sex that didn't feel good to him or that he didn't want for himself?

I'm afraid I need to head off for today, but I would be happy to pick this up again with you in the morning if that's alright.

This is useful information you gave me, so I can come in with some more thoughts for you and some more questions.

Until then, I think, if you're up to it, it might be a good exercise for you to try and write out, for yourself, what you would say to your boyfriend if you were being completely honest about all of this, how you have been feeling, and what you would ideally want on your own terms, based on what YOU enjoy and don't. Can you try that? I think seeing it on paper, all out there could help clarify some of this and make it feel less scary to have the conversations with him I think it's clear you need to have.

[ 01-07-2011, 05:26 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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if you mean masturbation, i have tried that, the same things happen. yes thats fine, thankyou for all your advice!
and yes i will try that.

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Heather
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I meant HIS needs, which you'd brought up. [Smile]

Feel free to give me a shoutout in the morning, glad to continue the conversation.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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oh right, yeah i know but he likes to do that by sleeping with me, rather than do it himself, which he still does do when im not there though. if i actually felt something, and everything was in working order down there, i would rather sleep with him than do it myself, cos i love him and want to experience it with him, and he feels the same with me. im not going to actually see my boyfriend until tuesday so thats the only time i can tell him, unless we speak on the phone before.
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Heather
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In general, it's helpful not to think of masturbation and partnered sex as either/or, because in some big ways, they offer different things. We don't always want to be sexual with someone else, or think of someone else when being sexual. We also don't always only want to be having those experiences alone, and sometimes DO want to share an experience with someone else and be thinking of a partner as much as of ourselves. The idea that any of us will always prefer partnersex or always prefer masturbation isn't usually sound, because one isn't a replacement for the other: they're different, and about our different wants and needs from day to day. Know what I mean?

So, if this is JUST about his physical needs -- not, say, the emotional need to be close to you -- then that's the time for masturbation. If, on the other hand, he wants to get emotionally close to you, to have just as much investment in your pleasure as his, that's the time for partnered sex, so long as you're also feeling that way at the same time.

Were you able to write some of this out for yourself last night? If so, want to share with me some of what you got out, and what some of the major themes were?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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well i only really see him two days a week, and usually when the time comes for me to see him i really miss him and he misses me and we want to be close, so its emotional rather than physical, and thats why i have sex with him, i get the urge to, and i want to, but i just dont like it when it comes down to it and it REALLY gets me down, im ready to feel that kind of pleasure, but im not. when i get upset he tgries to comfort me, but it doesnt really help because he says things like "its not the most important thing, it doesnt matter too much" and he is only trying to make me feel better, but hes not realising that he sounds like hes saying hes not too bothered how i feel. and i always say "yeah but if this was you, you would be exactly the same" i think he just doesnt know what to do so he doesnt do anything.
i think im just gonna say that its not fair that i always do it when the only aim is to make HIM feel good, and that we both know theres nothing in it for me, apart from the feeling of closeness (but i want more than that) and basically that i want to start again from the beginning again, and just kiss and cuddle for a while, and see if anything changes.

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georgiexx
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i have just seen posts on here from guys, worried about their girlfriends, desperate to please them and they have actually made the effort to find this site and ask. this has made me feel really down because i dont think my boyfriend would ever do that.
also, i dont know if this is relevant, but i have done some sexual things with other boys, before i was with my boyfriend, and i didnt feel anything from any of them either, apart from one time, where it felt 'nice'. i dont even remember the feeling it was so long ago, but i know that it was nice. i did the same thing again at a different time with the same guy, but it felt horrible and like crap again. even so, i regretted doing these things with those boys, but it was a long time ago

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Heather
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quote:
i think im just gonna say that its not fair that i always do it when the only aim is to make HIM feel good, and that we both know theres nothing in it for me, apart from the feeling of closeness (but i want more than that) and basically that i want to start again from the beginning again, and just kiss and cuddle for a while, and see if anything changes.
I think this all sounds really great, very truthful, and is an excellent example of how to advocate for yourself here. I also think this would be very clear on your part.

I do think, from the sounds of your last post and some others, you may have to really give some more thought to the idea that some of how you're feeling may also be because this just isn't the right sexual partner for you, or the right partner at THIS time in your life. At the same time, if you feel like this person wouldn't do any homework or make any other effort to try and find out how to care for you sexually best, it may be this person isn't a right sexual partner for anyone right now, however lovely a person he may be otherwise.

But I think having a talk that starts with some of the things you're saying you want to say could be a good way of feeling more of that out, based on how he responds to that. If he's very understanding and cooperative with that, maybe he can be a good fit for you. But if he isn't, I think you need to try to accept that he probably just isn't, and may, in fact, be part of the problem.

Out of curiosity, that time genital sex felt nice to you, do you have any memory of what made it different than other times, especially with that same person? Were things any different emotionally, even with the mood you were in that day? Or, were you two doing things differently physically?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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