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Author Topic: Does everyone have to settle for less in their romantic partners?
luanne
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It's DIFFICULT for me to find people I'm attracted to. So far I've only found two interesting guys. One is my teacher (married and over 30 years older than me!) and the other is a boy in my grade who I've been hankering after for about four years.

Forget the teacher. I need to talk about the boy. He's bright, kind, and out of the loop socially. He's very dedicated to schoolwork and has a passion for physics and mathematics. He has nice broad shoulders and a lean muscley body, but most people don't see him as attractive because there's something awkward about the way he moves. I find everything about him supremely handsome. Especially the brain.

He and I were very good friends for years, and he knew all along that I was mad about him. But he had no qualms telling me right off the bat that he wasn't attracted to me. He's given to liking average, moderately nice girls who are put off by his sketchiness.

Although I like him a lot, I know it's hard for his type of guy to get a girlfriend- he could be talking about the weather with a girl and she'd still feel his sexual desire heinously pervading the atmosphere. My problem is that I feel like there must be something seriously unappetizing about me as a female if this horniest of boys isn't romantically attracted to me.

I wonder if maybe he's out of my league. Maybe the things I love about him, like his fabulous lateral thinking skills, are all things that put him in a tier above me. If that's the case, then if I like someone down the road who's attractive for similar reasons, that person will also be too good for me and think of me as an anybody and not love me back. It seems to only way to have a relationship is to take a run-of-the-mill guy and spend a lot of time together to forge trust, and then have sex as a way to legitimize the bond. That sounds like settling for less. But it is a compromise.

I want to know from older, wiser folk: do long-term relationships have to be built on this compromise? Does attraction by its nature mean that we can't have a durable relationship with someone who we've been head-over-heels in love with from the start? Or is it something in between, with people marrying people who they are friends with and learn to become somewhat attracted to?
Is love like a delicious luxurious banquet, or comfortable old boiled potatoes? This is a super important part of my life. I don't want to have to settle for less!

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♥♥♥

Posts: 69 | From: America | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stephanie_1
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Luanne: The tough thing here is that you're seeing people as settling, when to them it may be anything but settling. For instance, my family has said for YEARS that I'm settling for my boyfriend, and that I can do better than him. We're very different people, with very different jobs, dreams, and lives. The one thing we have in common though is that we love one another very much - and because of that it's not settling for either of us, it's doing what we feel is right for us.

In a relationship, both partners should be equal parts of a relationship. Whether one person makes more money, has a higher IQ, make it through more schooling, whatever - it shouldn't be seen as one better than the other, or settling.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3429 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
luanne
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Well. Obviously I should have phrased my question more clearly.

I can't be attracted to someone who isn't intellectually stimulating. (I think that's when you may have interpreted as me being classist.) But maybe I only experience that in someone more intelligent than me, in which case, that person wouldn't love me back because I wouldn't be intellectually stimulating to them. So no one I was attracted to would love me back and then my option would be someone who wasn't as cranially titillating. Thus, a less satisfying love life for me, personally.

I certainly didn't mean to devalue anyone or to judge your relationship. I wanted to know if you can fall for someone super hard and then have them miraculously feel the same way about you. Know that song, "She's So High Above Me"? That's kind of the feeling I was referring to.

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Stephanie_1
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We all find different things to be attractive for us. For you it's partly about being able to be intellectually stimulated, while for someone else it may be an emotional connection they seek more, finding a happy balance that way. So it's not settling for someone less then them, it's finding what they need in the other person.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3429 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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