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Author Topic: desperate for advice
Gingerbread
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This is sort of a long story. Basically, my boyfriend and i have been together for about a year, and we've been physically intimate. his sister just started the school year as a freshman at our high school. now, since she is not that much younger than we are, we hang out with her sometimes, she and i talk when we see each other, basically, i thought we were friends. unfortunately, being a fairly small school, she somehow heard that her brother and i had had sex. and proceeded to tell her mother, just for the sake of tattling on him. that is problem number one. at first, his mom was just mad that it had happened in her house, while she was home and she didn't even know about it. this i completely understand, looking at it from her perspective, because it was disrespectful to her and her house. his dad was okay about it and just said that he understood, that we're at that age when these things happen. but the next day when my boyfriend got home from school, his dad wasn't there. and she started screaming at him as soon as he got home, telling him he was grounded for a month, i wasnt allowed in their house any more, made him scrub the couch where we had sex with disinfectant. i know his mom, she has a terrible temper. so that is problem number two. here is problem number three. i had dated a guy that was pretty close friends with my current boyfriend about a year ago. i absolutely did not have sex with this guy, but i know there had been speculation within the music department (which we are both heavily involved in) that i had. his sister heard this rumor and told his mom. who believed it. when he tried to tell her it wasn't true, her only answer was "well it's not like she would tell you if it were". Now she flares up at the slightest mention of my name and very clearly does not want us to be together, despite having known me for a while and calling me her future daughter in law on more than one occasion. i want to talk to her, like an adult, but i know it probably won't work. im sorry if this is a bit rambling, but i just don't know what to do about this situation. i talked to my mom, and she said to try to wait until his mom calms down a bit and then try to talk to her, but my mom lives pretty far away from me, and i live with my grandparents who i am just not comfortable explaining to why i cant see my boyfriend any more. some advice would be greatly appreciated =/
Posts: 44 | From: United States | Registered: Feb 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Yowza! This is a whole lot to be trying to manage! I'm sorry it's all in your lap.

Before anything else, can you try and give me a better idea of if your boyfriend's mom "has a bad temper" or is abusive -- emotionally, verbally, physically, etc? Advice I give would be different if the way she is acting right now is JUST situational, around this incident, or is typical for her even when there isn't a big crisis or issue.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gingerbread
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Well as far as I know she has never been physically abusive towards him or his siblings. But she and his dad have a terrible relationship (they are two people that are married, but really shouldn't be) they are always yelling at each other, and his dad doesn't always live with them. She takes out a lot of her anger at his dad on him, so it really isn't anything new that she reacted like this... but it's the worst that ive seen. A lot of times my boyfriend will ask her a simple question and it sets her off, many times he ends up grounded for honestly no reason, like shoveling the driveway incorrectly, simply because she is in a bad mood. But she has always liked me and been very nice to me and supportive of our relationship. This is the first time her anger is targeted towards me.
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Heather
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I'm hearing you possibly describe emotional and verbal abuse. is this anything your boyfriend has ever reported or sought out help with, like via a healthcare provider or counselor?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Gingerbread
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well that is a kind of long story. i know that his mom has had restraining orders against his dad in the past (im not sure what for, because he doesn't really like to talk about it, and i don't like to push him)but they have gone to family counseling and dss checks in regularly because of these past problems. it's terrible to think, but basically he tries his best to just come home, go to his room and avoid talking to his mom except when he has to. most of the time she is manageable at least, but i sometimes wonder if she is legitimately bipolar. to anyone else, shes just a nice kind of overbearing person. with this situation now, he is just waiting until the year is over so he can go to college away from his family.
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Gingerbread
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So update: He went to the emergency room today for really bad stomach pains, i went over as soon as i got home from school, stayed with him for a few hours while he got his ct scan, found out he had appendicitis. i had planned to stay with him because he wanted me to be there when he woke up from the surgery, but then found out his mom was on her way (it had previously just been his dad) and asked me to leave because he didn't want her yelling at me in the emergency room. you would think that an adult would see that his girlfriend drove for about an hour (half of which getting lost) through a really scary part of the city, because she was concerned and cared about him a lot. but no. i had to leave because she was going to be there. i honestly have no idea what to do.
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Gingerbread
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Also, that really isn't fair because he kept telling me how scared he was because he has never ever had surgery before, and all he wanted was for me to be there when he went in, and when he woke up. And neither of us could have that.
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Heather
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Gingerbread: I'm so sorry! It's terrible to not be able to be there for someone you love when they're sick or in crisis. I agree, that isn't kind of fair.

It really sounds like this is -- without what happened -- a dysfunctional and/or abusive family situation. Obviously, if DSS is already involved, that's basically been verified.

My very best advice would be that he talks to a social worker there and is honest about everything that has been going on so they can make an accurate assessment, and provide him some more services, like perhaps some independent and/or family counseling, maybe even another home placement.

Obviously, with him in the hospital, this is all going to sit for a little bit. I hope he gets well very soon.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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