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Author Topic: I need to know...
DreamCatches
Neophyte
Member # 48877

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A year ago when I was 19, I got drunk while hanging out with my boyfriend/best friend. It was the second time I had ever been drunk before due to my having such a low tolerance, but I trusted him and the first time I drank with him, he had said he'd never take advantage of me. This second time was different however. Me and my boyfriend were both virgins. I had planned to wait until marriage due to personal reasons and we'd been dating for almost three months. One night, while I was drunk and sleepy we went back to his house where I had frequently spent the night with him. I don't remember much of the details, except that I somehow ended up on top of him with him holding my waist and penetrating me. I remember asking what we were doing and if we were having sex and he said, yes, we're having sex right now. I don't remember feeling much of anything or doing much of anything at first. He just kept thrusting into me, said it felt good and that he couldn't hold back much longer. It was like a realization slowly hit me and I freaked out and tried to push off of him. I succeeded and I don't really know what was going on, just a lot of crying on my part and confusion and being overwhelmed and telling him to get away from me, but it's kind of hazy. I think he left the room and I got in bed. I remember thinking that it couldn't have happened and that I was just confused. He came back in the room, I think he got me a soda or something to drink. Then he cuddled me and apologized and said we could forget it happened. But I felt horrible. In the morning, more of the details seem to have come back and I asked him if he was sober and he said that he had been sober. I asked him why he did that and he claimed that I had initiated it and that he was sick of waiting and he loves me, but I don't remember initiating it at all. I admit he'd tried pressure/persuade me into having sex (penile-vaginal intercourse) and we had tried to have it plenty of times before that night. It always seemed like he could never penetrate me because I guess my body was tensing up due to me not really wanting/being emotionally ready to have sex. I feel violated, but guilty. I've never had the courage to tell people what happened because I thought that since we had had sex that in God's eyes we were married anyway and I stayed with him. I've only been able to say it now because he broke up with me a few months ago after dating a whole year. He says that I'm trying to make him look like a rapist now or something and I should forget it happened and move on. He's also changed his story several times saying that he wasn't sober he was buzzed and later saying he wasn't buzzed but drunk. He said that he never expected to actually have sex with me because he's used to my body tensing up, so that night he expected the same outcome as before. I'm not trying to make him look like a rapist. I feel like I'm the liar and it's my fault and maybe I did want it and initiated it. I feel like the sex I do have now and did have after that moment is really just to minimize how important that moment was to me and I've since given up those religious beliefs. Why do I feel so guilty? Am I at fault? Was this rape? I know it happened a year ago, but it still hurts me.

Sorry if my message sounds confusing. I tried to recall as much as I could. Thanks!

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Think of me, when you're out, when you're out there...

Posts: 34 | From: Georgia | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Someone who changes their story a lot like that is usually making it very clear that they know they're guilty of something they are trying to avoid taking responsibility for.

What I am hearing your describing in this situation is sexual assault. You were clearly very intoxicated, and it seems very clear that he was not. Again, it also sounds to me like both then and afterwards, he was trying to avoid responsibility for his own actions or pass it on to you ("I was sick of waiting," or "I was sober...no, wait, I was buzzed...no, wait, I was drunk").

Someone pressuring you into sex or making you have a kind of sex you did not want or were not in a position to consent to is not your fault. Clearly, you trusted this person, and clearly, he betrayed your trust.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DreamCatches
Neophyte
Member # 48877

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Thank you so much for responding! I realized it's a year later, but I feel like it's hurting me now. That night and my messed up beliefs made me feel I had to stay in a relationship like this and it only got worse. It turned into a relationship of abuse and I'm just now putting together all those signs a year later. I want sex to mean something to me and right now, it doesn't mean much but a tool to forget what happened with my ex.

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Think of me, when you're out, when you're out there...

Posts: 34 | From: Georgia | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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The thing about any kind of trauma is that there doesn't tend to be some time of limited time window in which it can hurt or will stop hurting. Not only is when and how it hurts often about how much we did or didn't heal, even when we've done a lot of healing, just like with any kind of old wound, it can still smart from time to time.

It also sounds like in your case, this is about ongoing, and not one-time, abuse. Have you gotten any kind of ongoing help or counseling to help you with this?

quote:
I want sex to mean something to me and right now, it doesn't mean much but a tool to forget what happened with my ex.
So, this might be a time to take a break from it while you recenter yourself, figure out what you need, and figure out how to move towards what you need. Do you feel able to do that?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DreamCatches
Neophyte
Member # 48877

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I've never had any specific counseling for it. I only told one person after it happened and that was the guy's grandmother (who supplied the alcohol in the first place) who really didn't act as if he had done anything wrong. I never told anyone after I talked about it with her while I was still with him. I was afraid to color him in any negative light because I thought that people would think poorly of me for choosing someone that did things like this. People think of me as intelligent and independent, etc. and I thought they would be disappointed at me for allowing it to keep getting worse. I was just in a really bad place when I was with him. I was and still am handling my depression and mental health. I just started seeing a psychologist, but I'm just now feeling comfortable enough to discuss this. I guess I came to you guys because I've been on this website several times and I do view you as experts who wouldn't intimidate me and who I could be honest with (without me having to say it all in a 50 minute session). But I just never knew what word to call what happened that night with my ex. I was hesitant to say that he had done anything as bad as assault or rape. I never wanted to believe it so I just tried to downplay it's importance. I was weak and allowed the relationship to progress in a negative way while I stayed quiet about it and other things he ended up doing (such as threatening me, hitting, slapping me, and telling me that I was confused or saying I exaggerate everything or I'm crazy). I've gotten so used to having sex or trying to have sex as much as possible that not having it seems like I'm not me. I just thought that the more I had sex the more the other things wouldn't matter.

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Think of me, when you're out, when you're out there...

Posts: 34 | From: Georgia | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'd like to suggest that maybe you try replacing some words you're using for yourself.

For instance, I'm not seeing you as weak. It sounds like you've been scared, like you have felt hopeless, felt trapped, felt silenced and like you felt you would be unsupported. It also sounds to me like you may have felt that remaining in that relationship may have made it less likely you were raped, something none of us who have been wanted to be. All those things feelings and reactions are not at all uncommon for someone who has been where you are.

Do you also feel at all educated around abuse dynamics and after-effects? If not, I'd be happy to connect you with some information and resources.

I'm glad you've gotten connected with a counselor already, and I'm so glad you felt able to come here and start talking. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DreamCatches
Neophyte
Member # 48877

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Well, thank you for answering my questions about all of this. It has been very eyeopening and I feel you have hit the nail on the head with a lot of what you have said. And thank you having a website where people can be open! I don't feel very educated about abuse as much as I'd like to be. Any resources and information you can point me to would be very much appreciated!

I know at this point in my life I don't trust myself as much as I'd like to be able to. I feel like I'm just now regaining trust in myself and its a struggle to think that I'm not all the things he said I was (such as "crazy" because for the longest time, I believed him). But it's only been a few months and I know it takes time. I will definitely reevaluate what I want in future relationships and not to let myself be silenced. And to not let sex be the only thing that defines me. [Smile]

Thank you so much!

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Think of me, when you're out, when you're out there...

Posts: 34 | From: Georgia | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You're so welcome. I'm glad we can be here. [Smile]

It can definitely take a good deal of time and energy to kind of unlearn what gets drummed into your mind and heart in an abusive relationship.

I'm going to toss you a few links to start with, but am also going to suggest some books that might be helpful if your therapist hasn't made suggestions already.

Blinders Off:Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault
Safer Sex...for Your Heart
Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship
The Pursuit of Hope

And those books:
In Love and In Danger: A Teen's Guide to Breaking Free of Abusive Relationships by
Barrie Levy
It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence, 2nd Edition by by Meg Kennedy Dugan
I Never Called It Rape: The Ms. Report on Recognizing, Fighting, and Surviving Date and Acquaintance Rape by Robin Warshaw
Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Withour Rape by Jaclyn Friedman and Jessica Valenti, which also includes my essay you can read here: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/pink/an_immodest_proposal

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DreamCatches
Neophyte
Member # 48877

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Thank you so much, I don't know how much to say it!!! [Big Grin] I will definitely look some of these up.

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Think of me, when you're out, when you're out there...

Posts: 34 | From: Georgia | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Again, just glad to be of help, and happy to talk more whenever you need to. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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