After sending this to the main site to be answered I realized that it'd probably have been better to ask on here because I am kind of in desperate need of advice on what to do,think and possibly say..so here goes,again.
After 4 months of my boyfriend attempting to coerce me into anal sex,I finally decided to try it in May. He promised me that it would only be once if I didn't like it.We tried it once but it was so painful that he just penetrated me once and decided not to try again. About a week later he told me that "didn't count" as it wasn't "really sex" and therefore his biggest fantasy had still been left unfulfilled.We tried again and I told him that if he promised that it would only be a one time thing,he could do whatever he wanted,be as rough as he wanted,whatever,and I wouldn't say a word-as long as it was only one time.He promised. A few days later,we were about to have sex and he said that he would always want anal again and he might ask for it occasionally,but I could just do it whenever I felt like it.To me this was just putting pressure on me. Since then every time we have sex,when I get off(or if it's just taking long and I can't),he automatically just switches to anal,most of the time not even asking. When we first began having sex he told me that if he ever saw that I didn't enjoy anything,he couldn't continue with it,therefore he wouldn't..he even told me that he would throw all of his fantasies away for me if I was uncomfortable with them.I said no(meaning he can still fantasize),just that I couldn't perform any of them for him.Then for some reason as time went on,he lost respect and love for me apparently. He pressured me with oral for a long time as well;I was a virgin when we met,so this was ALL new to me and still slightly uncomfortable.I had also had bad experiences with nearly being forced into things before,which I told him but after awhile he just didn't care anymore...understandable in my opinion.I got over it.Now that I'm ok with it,he no longer even wants it most of the time. In this time he explained to me that vaginal sex just didn't feel good at all and he had no interest in it whatsoever.It was merely an upgrade from masturbation.This lead me to think that I must be loose or something,but he said that it's just how all vaginas are. So basically now I am just going with anal because 1.he likes it and 2.I feel,in a way like I am punishing myself for not being "good enough" and because I must be in some way defective. I'm sure this doesn't make much sense..I just feel like there is something wrong with me.I have no way of knowing whether or not I am for sure loose because I've only ever had sex with him. I am just confused because I don't understand,if he really loves me like he says he does,how can he watch me go through so much pain for his own satisfaction?Even if he doesn't have lube,he'll pull my pants down and shove it in.Literally;we start making out and then suddenly it's just all about him and he'll just go for what he wants.If I give a disapproving look,he might give me a sympathetic look and begin kissing me again and then just go for it. If I'm on my period and already in pain..and he doesn't have lube,he'll shove it in. He will check in with me in the meantime,but even if I'm not ok he doesn't stop and I am afraid of telling him to stop.When I've said no before he's just gotten quiet and when I asked what was wrong,he told me he thought I was selfish. I am torn because I know it must feel alot better than my vagina,but if it's causing me pain then I don't want to do it anymore.I just don't know how to tell him.I feel like if I tell him,he won't love me anymore. Another thing that bothers me is that the last(and only other girl) he had sex with,he NEVER asked(let alone pressured)for oral or anal sex.Supposedly she was horrible to him,and according to him I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had,yet he hurts me and never hurt her.I don't get it.
I just need to know how to say no.I feel dirty and I am losing the remaining self-esteem I had. Also,I have a discharge or mucus every time afterward,even a few days later.He cums each time without a condom and I was assuming that's what it was from,but I'm unsure. Hopefully someone can knock some sense into me.I don't know what to think or how to feel. I know that if he "Stops loving me" because I won't let him hurt me anymore(even though he won't look at it that way;it'll be me refusing to satisfy his needs or something) then he didn't love me to begin with..but I'm just afraid of it. I don't know how to deal with this properly.
Oh Solusipse. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been going through this.
I'll be frank: Your partner is NOT a safe partner to be with. He has manipulated and coerced you into sexual activities you're explicitly told him you're not ready for. He engages in sexual activities he knows you don't like, without checking in with you first. When you say no, he ignores you and keeps going. That's not just "bad" sex, Solusipse. That's sexual assault.
You don't need to have "sense knocked into you". If anyone does, it's your partner. But unfortunately, abusers like him rarely change. The best thing you can do for yourself in this situation is to leave him.
If you can't leave him (yet), I'd at least encourage you to talk to him about putting a stop to all sexual activity. Not only is he hurting you emotionally, he's hurting you physically, and he's putting you at huge health risks. Unprotected anal sex has a high STI risk, as well as a pregnancy risk (via ejaculate that can leak out and into the vagina).
Also, if you have any thoughts that you may be responsible for this: you are NOT. You are not in any way defective and there is NOTHING wrong with you. I can also assure that your vagina is not "loose". No vagina is. The vagina is a muscle that relaxes with arousal, and returns to its original state afterwards. This article explains it in depth: Let's let this be the last word on worn-out vaginas
So. How wan we help you deal with this? Would you like some advice on how to talk to your partner about this? Would you like us to give you some advice on how to approach breaking up with him? Would you like us to give you some resources for counseling, so you can get your self-esteem back? Anything you need, just let us know.
[ 08-08-2010, 04:28 AM: Message edited by: September ]
-------------------- Johanna Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
| IP: Logged |
Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.