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Author Topic: unsure
bebax3
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i meet my bf in october in halloween .. we didnt really talk alot until blac frrday .. i liked him buh i was goinq out with this other boy thats his friend .. buh then i decided to leave him for my actual bf now .. so now we have about 4 months & i thinnk he really loves me alot .. he shows it alot & i love him too .. so i want to loose my virginity to him .. but im not sure if i sould do it or not .. wah if somethinq bad happens after that ? =/ i dont think i should loose it now ..i want to loose it before i levae to dr for vacation .. btw im 15 =/ wah should i do ? do yu think i should give it to him beacuase i think his the rite one .. or might i regret it later on ? [Frown]
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Heather
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I think I hear you saying now isn't the right time for you, so you should stick to that, trusting yourself. Love isn't all there is to readiness for sex, in fact, it's a pretty small part.

Here's a checklist for you to start out with to evaluate readiness (yours AND his): http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/ready_or_not_the_scarleteen_sex_readiness_checklist

Why don't you take a look at that, and then you can talk more with us about this if you want?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bebax3
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well i answered all oth them yes buh the only thinq tha scared me is tha wah if like i regret it later for sum reason buh i reallly want to loose it with him beacuse i really do love him & he has showed me he really does .. maybe by thhe time i leave to dr in a few months like june i will be ready .. wah do yu think ?
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Heather
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All of them, for sure?

I know just the other day you were saying you would not want to go to a doctor for sexual healthcare when you needed it: has your mind changed on that?

Again, I think you need to trust your gut, like all of us do with this, and then also consult your head. You seem pretty clear that now is not the right time. Might later be? It might, so how about for now, you make clear you're not there yet, and then in a a few months, think about it again?

One good way to do what we can to be sure we don't regret a choice later is to just take time making that choice, and to be sure we're being honest with ourselves in that process, rather than engaging in wishful thinking.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bebax3
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oh ok im going to do tha thanks ! .. lol & i didnt say i didnt want to to qo to the doctor, is tha i dont like tellinq my doctors about my sexual life since im only 15 =/ if my parents noe they would freak out beacuse they dont want me to do eny of those thinqs now ..but im sure they used to do it 2 they need to undertand im in my teens
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Heather
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So, maybe two things you might consider doing in the meantime is getting ready to begin sexual healthcare soon, including getting comfortable being honest with doctor, and perhaps also talk with your parents?

While it's not safe for all young people to be honest with parents about a sex life -- namely, those whose parents are already abusive -- if your family/home is a safe, caring space, you probably can talk with your parents about this. It's a lot easier to make sound choices about sex when at least one parent is let in to what's going on and you can have them to talk to.

If they have made clear they don't feel you're ready for sex now (which isn't just intercourse, btw), maybe you can talk with them more about why? It may not just be about your age, as someone being a certain age isn't all there is to this, and one 15-year-old can be very different from another; one sexual relationship or situation can be very different from others.

I'd also pay attention to your own words. If "only being 15" feels too young to TALK about sex, especially to a healthcare provider, you can be pretty sure it's also too young to be having sex for where you're at, too. Know what I mean?

[ 04-21-2010, 03:59 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bebax3
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ok ,. so my mom lives in dr & my father lives here in new york .. my mom is not okkai for me to have sex beacuse she says im 2 young & she thinks i dont noe most thinqs about sex. witch i do . & i never talked about my father witrh thinqs like this . but i noe he would say not too beacuse he is really over proctive .. & he tells me tha boys only want sex & leave the girls .. but i dont think thats true thats some men .. & im sure i cant taalk about this wth my parents .. & i never have qone to s doctor to check my vigina none of tha . i only qo evry year to see hoe i am or checck or w.e buh they have never check my vigina inside . i dont dont feel confortable with them doinq it enyway .. & if i become sexualy active in a few months or years maybe my doctor will tell my parents if he checks me or somethinq or idk .. buuh talkinq to my parents is not a qood thinq
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Heather
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You have the right, in this country and your state, for your sexual health information to be private, only shared with a parent if you give permission. A doctor may NOT tell them that information lawfully without your permission.

If you're going to be sexually active -- and from one of your other posts, it sounds like you have started, even though you're not having intercourse -- getting sexual healthcare really is critical for taking care of yourself. So, it sounds to me like one way you can figure out in time if you're really ready for this or not is if when you think you are, you're also ready for things like yearly GYN exams and STI tests (tests a partner will need to be getting, too, not just you).

If your Mom thinks that, how about making sure to review your sex education, since that would benefit you anyway? Reading through a lot at a site like this one is a great start, but what books have you read about sex and sexuality? If you fill me in on what you have already read. I may be able to suggest some things that will be new to you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bebax3
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yea .. but they havent take me to take those test yet .. maybe beacuse they think im not sexual active ? or i dont noe .. i havent done nothinq rather than he finger pop me & maybe all give him a hand job one day .. just explorinq ourselfs .. & i told him i dont do oral sex even tho he wants to do it to mee .. i dont do it . btw he is stiill a virgin so if we do get to do it wen i feel ready we would be experiencing somethinq new .. hes 16 .. & yes i have reads alot of magazined & sites talking about sex .. & i also have a school teacher tha talks bout it to our class .. one question.. a boys 1st time doesnt last a lonq time ? i herd tha wen a boy is a virgin .. the 1st time he does it .. wen hes sperm comes out they feel week & it will soften .. is tha true ? & thanks i didnt noe tha my doctor dont have to tell my parents if i dont want 2 [Smile]
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Heather
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You can take yourself: that's part of being able to handle the responsibilities sex entails, is managing your healthcare, including getting to it.

So, you haven't read any books yet? Magazines don't tend to do a very good job addressing sex, at all: many books do a whole lot better, since sex is SUCH a huge topic, that little articles can barely scratch the surface. Want some book suggestions?

Per how long erection lasts for guys the first time (or any other) that varies a lot. But on the whole, younger men will tend to reach orgasm faster, and for men of all ages, the time from the start of intercourse to orgasm tends to be fairly fast compared to how long it usually takes female-bodied people to reach orgasm (which most won't at all from intercourse alone).

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bebax3
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oh ok thanks [Smile] .. & yes wah books could i read ?
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bebax3
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& how could i get those deseases that yu told me tha im ready to be tested for if im not sexually active yet ?
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Heather
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Per infections, we can develop a couple different kinds of genital infections all on our own, or get bacterial infections just due to things like partner's not washing hands before fingering.

In terms of sexually transmitted infections, when you say you and your boyfriend are both virgins, do you mean neither of you has ever had any kind of sexual contact -- not just not having intercourse -- with anyone besides each other?

Per some good basic books, here's a short list to start, including my/our own:
This one is mine: S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Progressive Sexuality Guide to Get You Through High School and College
Deal with It! A Whole New Approach to Your Body, Brain, and Life as a gURL by Esther Drill, Heather Mcdonald and Rebecca Odes
Our Bodies, Ourselves: A New Edition for a New Era by Boston Women's Health Book Collective
The Underground Guide to Teenage Sexuality by Michael J. Basso
Doing It Right: Making Smart, Safe, and Satisfying Choices About Sex by Bronwen Pardes

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bebax3
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oh ok where could i get those books ? how much ?

ok so ,, my bf is a virgin he has never have sex but like 2 girls gave him oral sex .. thats it .. & mee .. i never had sex eather but .. they sucked my tities lol my ex and the one i have now & now tha he finger poped me for the 1st time in my life.. & thats all ive done ..& him 2


& thanks.. buh im just going to tell him to qo wash his hands if he wants to do it againq ? or could i just put hand senatizer or wah ?

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Heather
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So, your boyfriend has had previous sexual partners. Oral sex poses risks of sexually transmitted infections just like intercourse does. That means that any sex you two have can present risks of STIs, especially if your boyfriend has not a) been tested for all STIs since those partners with negative results, and b) it's not been at least six months since he was with those partners AND he has those negative results.

It does sound to me like you have some gaps in your information on sex, risks with it and safer sex, so I'm hoping that coming from me, rather than your Mom, you might be able to see how she might have the idea you don't know enough yet. I don't say any of this to insult you, just to make clear that getting more information is something you'll want to do before going further with sex with a partner, okay?

With fingering, safer sex can be one of two things: it can either be partners washing hands first, or partners wearing latex gloves, whichever you each/both prefer.

Per getting books like those, your local library may have many of them. Amazon is a place to order online, but bookstores are another place. What they cost varies, but this might be something you CAN ask your Mom about. If she's worried you don't have enough information to make choices with, letting her know you want the information so when the time comes, you can be informed is probably something she'll support.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bebax3
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ok thanks qood advice [Smile]
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Heather
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Glad to help, and we're always here should you want to revisit this conversation later on. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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bebax3
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lol ok [Smile]
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