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Author Topic: Relationship troubles
SailorTsukino
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Me and my bf have been together for about half a year and i/m worrying about our relationship a little
he was totally into his last relationship, like they were together for years, lived togeher, engaged the heap and i had known him for a while towards the end of their relationship, the way they ended was that he cheated on her on purpose at a nightclub and used it to break up with her.
she did treat him qquite badly and they were always arguing...but still hes going out for a night fairly soon and i'm really cared he'll do the same to me and i'm not sure why
i feel that i dont trust him because of what happened with him and his ex although she had threatened him when he had tried to break p with him before so i think he used it as a way ot
now me and him are quite happy, the odd arguement
how can i help myself to trust him more?
i also find it a bit strage that we havent told eah other we love each other yet... and i know i feel it, but if he does wouldn't he have said it? and should i make the first move?

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SailorTsukino
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any ideas?
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Heather
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Sorry to have missed this.

Per the "I love you" bit, you ask if he felt it if he would have said it, but say that you feel it and haven't said it, so I think you can see that feelings it doesn't automatically = saying it. [Smile]

That said, I can't know how he feels, but you can certainly ask him, and it's certainly okay for you to express those feelings if you want to.

As far as your issues with trust, can you recognize that you're not his ex? Do you think he's changed since he was with his ex? Can you also recognize that it's important both of you are able to go out without the other and have that be okay?

Has he ever done anything to betray YOUR trust (not his exes)?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SailorTsukino
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no he had the oppertunity to go off with another girl when we had just got together but he didnt like
and i know that i definitley SHOULD trust him, but i think maybe the only reason that i don't is that i havent needed to before now and i havent had to build a trust level yet
i didnt know him as well when he was with his ex so i cant really say much about his behaviour changing, so i think the only way for me to trust him will be to experience it first hand if you get what i mean
as for the love bit inever really thought of it that way [Razz] it kinda never occured to think of it the other way round, thanks [Smile]

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Heather
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Does HE feel he is a different person?

Are you also saying that in a half a year, neither of you has gone out with friends without the other?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SailorTsukino
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well we've been out without each other but we have alot of the same friends so alot of the time the two of us go out, i've been to a few clbs, but he doesnt really have alot of money and works alot at the weekends
he goes out with his male friends quite alot to like local pubs and small things, but this would be the first time hed went out properly like out of town to a big club since we've gotten together
i havent asked him, but like i said we have alot of mutual friends and one in particular knew him throughout his last relationship and he said that the reason that he used cheating on her as a reason to end the relationship because when he had tried to break up with her before she had threatened him and threatened to hurt herself
i always ask him out of the blue if hes happy and he always says yes though and we do get along really well together
hes told me before we were together that hes never went out and accidently cheated on someone like because of drink and such...but i dont know whether to take that as a reflection on our relationship or not

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Heather
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Have the two of you talked about the feeling you're having around trust? If not, it sure sounds like you need to.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SailorTsukino
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See i know if i could jut get over that one hump i reckon it would be okay, like i've been out without him before but its different becase when its me i know exactly whats going on, i dont really want to bring it up to him bluntly because it might offend him that after 6 months of being together and a year and a half of friendship i'm still unsure
what would i say to him?

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Heather
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I think if a person is in a relationship serious enough for you two to be together for six months and to have merged all your friends, you're certainly at the point where you should be able to be honest about your feelings, including when they're tough, or not about the good stuff.

In order to avoid offending him, the way to have that talk is to take responsibility for your own feelings. To be clear, if he has never given YOU reason not to trust him, your not trusting him is YOUR issue, about you, not about him. So, you make that clear, by saying something like "Hey, I am struggling with some of my own insecurity when it comes to trust with you. Some of it is based in what happened with your ex, even though I know in my head that isn't about me at all, and even though you have not given me any reason at all not to trust you. I just wanted to talk out how I'm feeling with you so that you know, and in hopes that maybe we can figure out some ways I can work on building trust that also work for you."

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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SailorTsukino
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yeah, i gess i just ont see how he can help me if its my issue, i've been cheated on before an i personally think he could do alot better than me so i think its mostly based on my own insecurity
still an all i'm taking a carpe diem approach from now on so next time i see him i'm gonna try to say i love you....
if i get the courage:P

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Heather
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Well, you sharing how you're feeling with him per trust/insecurity and his simply listening to you, understanding what's going on with you is how he can help.

It also helps a relationship to be honest and open about any issues you're having, rather than to keep them to yourself.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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