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HELPLESSME
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hi i m a muslim girl n m almost 20 years old now..when i was 9 or 10 years old i was sexually(penetation)(vaginal intercourse child abused twice or thrice by the same guy...this is the secret which i have never told nebudy n i think i will never b able to tell either...i used to b a good student..but my studies are being realy affected now..my mum n sis nag at me all the over my result because they had alot of expectations from but they dunno what i m going through cant even tell them...my question is will my husband come to know that i was raped,sexually child abused on the wedding night??few days ago a proposal came for me but i refused cox of these reasons:S...i m not able to concentrate on my studies:S...n i know i will never be able to tell about this to anybody i cant let my parents down:S...wedding night possesses alot of importance in our culture and this is the night when our husbands decide whether to stay with bride or no...THANK GOD i ave had no vaginal problemx...have read alot that the intercourse loosens ur vagina and ur husband can divource u...have heard that vaginal intercourse opens the vaginal walls and dis is the sign that the can know from...i neeed ur help,m so helpless..at tymx i feel like killing myself...i had never bin into ne physical relationship since den..

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HELPLESSME
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hi i m a muslim girl n m almost 20 years old now..when i was 9 or 10 years old i was sexually(penetation)(vaginal intercourse child abused twice or thrice by the same guy...this is the secret which i have never told nebudy n i think i will never b able to tell either...i used to b a good student..but my studies are being realy affected badly *now..my mum n sis nag at me all the over time* my result because they had alot of expectations from but they dunno what i m going through cant even tell them...my question is will my husband come to know that i was raped,sexually child abused on the wedding night??few days ago a proposal came for me but i refused cox of these reasons:S...i m not able to concentrate on my studies:S...n i know i will never be able to tell about this to anybody i cant let my parents down:S...wedding night possesses alot of importance in our culture and this is the night when our husbands decide whether to stay with bride or no...THANK GOD i ave had no vaginal problemx...have read alot that the intercourse loosens ur vagina and ur husband can divource u on that wedding night*...have heard that vaginal intercourse opens the vaginal walls and dis is the sign that the guy can know from...i neeed ur help,m so helpless..at tymx i feel like killing myself...i had never bin into ne physical relationship since den..

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nixieGurl
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Hey Helplessme,

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear that you have suffered this abuse and do not have a support network around you to help you deal with this, I understand and I know it's hard. I understand that your culture around marriage is important to you and why this would be a scary time for you at the moment, but I just want to add that what happened to you is not your fault, and you should not have to carry around any guilt about a future husband being let down or turning you down because of what has happened to you.

I think it will help you a lot if you can find the strength (and I know it is SO hard, I know) to tell someone and get some support with dealing with the abuse before you worry about wedding nights and such. I understand that you don't want to let your parents down, but you did nothing wrong, and there are other resources available to you where you can get this help if telling your family does not feel like a safe idea. The most important thing is your own safety and wellbeing.

eryn_smiles found some really great resources for you that I think might help just to have a read through, sometimes when we don't feel we have much of a voice arming ourselves with information can make a huge difference, and you ahve already started that by visiting us here. Here is one of the link's she found for you:

http://rozan.org/content/view/78/42/

I really think that getting some information, some support and understanding that this is not something that you did wrong, what happened to you was not a relationship but abuse, before you step into a sexual relationship with a man could really make a huge difference and take a lot of weight off of your shoulders. You are strong and brave and amazing and it is possible to get through this even when we are held back by others, or where we live, or isolation. Here are some articles that might help you from here at Scarleteen also:

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/body/my_culture_insists_on_virginity_did_i_break_my_hymen_with_masturbation

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/politics/20_questions_about_virginity_scarleteen_interviews_hanne_blank

Em

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nixieGurl
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Hey Helplessme,

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear that you have suffered this abuse and do not have a support network around you to help you deal with this, I understand and I know it's hard. I understand that your culture around marriage is important to you and why this would be a scary time for you at the moment, but I just want to add that what happened to you is not your fault, and you should not have to carry around any guilt about a future husband being let down or turning you down because of what has happened to you.

I think it will help you a lot if you can find the strength (and I know it is SO hard, I know) to tell someone and get some support with dealing with the abuse before you worry about wedding nights and such. I understand that you don't want to let your parents down, but you did nothing wrong, and there are other resources available to you where you can get this help if telling your family does not feel like a safe idea. The most important thing is your own safety and wellbeing.

eryn_smiles found some really great resources for you that I think might help just to have a read through, sometimes when we don't feel we have much of a voice arming ourselves with information can make a huge difference, and you ahve already started that by visiting us here. Here is one of the link's she found for you:

http://rozan.org/content/view/78/42/

I really think that getting some information, some support and understanding that this is not something that you did wrong, what happened to you was not a relationship but abuse, before you step into a sexual relationship with a man could really make a huge difference and take a lot of weight off of your shoulders. You are strong and brave and amazing and it is possible to get through this even when we are held back by others, or where we live, or isolation. Here are some articles that might help you from here at Scarleteen also:

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/body/my_culture_insists_on_virginity_did_i_break_my_hymen_with_masturbation

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/politics/20_questions_about_virginity_scarleteen_interviews_hanne_blank

Em

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HELPLESSME
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thanx alot nnixie 4 dese links....i cant concentrate on my studies because i just want to know that will my husband come to know about the experience that i have had tharough the opening or loosening of the vagina plsss help??

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HELPLESSME
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or by any other means,sorry to bother u so much:S

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HELPLESSME
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isnt there any means by which a man can know about it?

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HELPLESSME
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isnt there any physical or genital way that a guy can find out about it except for the hymen which is outdated now,this is bothering me alot..got my exams n i m not able to study because of this tension..help mee plsss

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nixieGurl
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Hi again,

You are not being a bother at all, Your Vagina does not 'loosen' from sex, so no, a man would not be able to tell that you had been abused in that way. In fact even if your hyman had been in tact before the abuse, hymens even often wear away over time without any sexual contact at all as well, so there really is no way he could no about what happened unless you told him. I know that is a very big concern of yours, and I know it is important in your culture but I think we have more important things to look at here, so just bear with me for a little bit...

This is tricky for me as I am not very well informed on how marriage and sex is viewed in your own culture, so please let me know if I am not understanding at any time ok?

But I think a really important thing for you to address right now is what happened to you when you were young, because I think you might find that your loss of concentration on your studies and your anxiety about first time sex (as abuse is not sex) are rooted a little deeper than you may even know. I certainly didnt know untill I did reach out and get some help and information under my belt, and once I had really sorted out my feelings about what had happened all of the other concerns I was having about school, like you, etc at the time seemed to fall into place quite comfortably.

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HELPLESSME
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hi nixi
thanx 4 helping me...i think i xactly dunno but a guy would judge a gurl most probably with d stiffness and tightness of vagina...shouldnt i get married because of this??but my parents will forcefully get me married within few years,and what if i m divorced because of this..i will b left nowhere:S...its only u whom i ave blurted evrything 4 the 1st tym in my life...wat shud i do to concentrate on my studies...i feel soo bad infronta gurls who seem to so content with their life unlike me:Si dunno wat to do..help..wat shud i do to get over wid it,keeping all dis to myself...

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HELPLESSME
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and at times i feel that what is the difference between me and a prostitute then???:s...m fed up of all this...if this tym i dun get good grades i wont get in gud universities..but this whole thing is bugging me alot....and vaginal opening and loosenin of vagina same thing?help

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HELPLESSME
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and at times i feel that what is the difference between me and a prostitute then???:s...m fed up of all this...if this tym i dun get good grades i wont get in gud universities..but this whole thing is bugging me alot....and vaginal opening and loosenin of vagina same thing?help

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HELPLESSME
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and at times i feel that what is the difference between me and a prostitute then???:s...m fed up of all this...if this tym i dun get good grades i wont get in gud universities..but this whole thing is bugging me alot....and vaginal opening and loosenin of vagina same thing?help

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Heather
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A prostitute is someone who either by choice or by force has sex for money or goods. I don't see anything in any of your posts that addresses prostitution. Have I missed something?

But in terms of the vagina, previous sex or sexual abuse does NOT change the "tightness" of the vagina. It simply does not.

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HELPLESSME
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hey heather how can i get over with this incident:s...how can i concentrate on my studies???and do you think should i get married because i would never want my husband to find out what has happened with me in the past:S....

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HELPLESSME
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thanx heather but how can i get over with my experience?should i get married or no??because if i get married i would not want my husband to know about wat had happened with me:Swhat should i do?

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HELPLESSME
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heather did u read the v 1st post...i had been sexually abused(vaginal)intercourse wen i was a kid..on that basis i said wat is d difference between me n a prostitute?

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HELPLESSME
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and guys at time say that they feel a blockage when they have sex with a girl who have had never done sex..what the blockage wat do they mean by this?

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Heather
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Again, a prostitute is someone who has sex for the exchange of money or goods. Usually, too, a prostitute is choosing to do this.

Now, I don't have a value issue with prostitution: in other words, I don't think prostitutes are bad people. However, you were a sexually abused child. This is something very different, unless, of course, your abuse involved the exchange of money or goods for sex.

Guys saying they feel a "blockage" are usually talking about the fact that when women are scared or nervous, not relaxed -- as is typical with many women with first intercourse -- the vagina does not loosen and open. Many will think they are feeling the hymen, but that is not usually the case. Usually it is about what your bodies do when nervous.

I can't speak to whether you should get married or not: personally, I'm not a good person to ask about that, period, because I don't have any interest in marriage. However, ideally (and I recognize that this is not always possible) I think anyone we get serious about and close to is someone who, in time, we should be able to share abuse history with.

In terms of how to get over this, I think you should contact someone at the link given to you here: http://rozan.org/content/view/78/42/ Talking with a counselor is helpful for many abuse survivors in our healing. You can talk to them about your choices regarding marriage, as well.

[ 01-28-2010, 09:46 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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HELPLESSME
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hey heather then wats d vaginal difference between me n a prostitute(no offense)after i ave been child abused??...and my question was will my partner while intercourse on the wedding night find out that i was already used,raped or sexually abused by sumbody else??

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HELPLESSME
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but if i dun share my abuse history with my partner because he wont be able to judge with sex,den y tell ur past history,will it affect our relation?

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Heather
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I don't know how to explain the difference between child sexual abuse and prostitution any more than I already have. So, perhaps another volunteer might be able to get it across more clearly to you.

In terms of sharing abuse with a partner or spouse, ideally that person will be someone who earnestly loves you. people who truly love us don't judge us, nor do they hold anyone responsible for our abuse but the people who abused us.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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HELPLESSME
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itz actually dat v dont get married to the person of our choice...its all arranged n planned by our elders,and v only get to know each other on the wedding night...obviously one would be so nervous and scared to blur out everything as to wat happened in the past,so would the guy find out with the vaginal intercourse about it?

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Heather
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I understand that some marriages are arranged. Would this be a situation in which you did have some say in who your marriage was arranged with?

Again, a partner cannot tell, physically, that you were abused as a child. However, many survivors find sex can trigger memories of abuse, or painful feelings about it, so ideally, a partner knowing about your history in advance is a good thing, as they can know to be more sensitive, to check in with you more about how you're doing, etc.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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HELPLESSME
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are u sure about that the guy wont know??this is the only thing bothering me?and i contacted on d given website but got no response:S....

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HELPLESSME
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no its our elders who decide everything nden v r ashamed of saying no..coz watever they wud decide will b in our benefit..

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Karybu
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Hey Helplessme, I hope you don't mind me jumping into the conversation here.

As Heather has said, no one can tell by the look or feel of your vagina whether you've ever been raped or had any kind of sex. It just isn't possible.

As far as your marriage goes, are you allowed to refuse any potential spouses your family chooses? Will you be given options?

Since you're having trouble contacting the other website, you might find this one of help: http://www.sahil.org/abt_jhc_pc.html They offer counselling over the phone, and may be able to help you through your anxiety around this.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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HELPLESSME
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and our marriage is completely decided by our parents and elders and den v say yes cox v wud b ashamed of sayin no..

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HELPLESSME
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and our marriage is completely decided by our parents and elders and den v say yes cox v wud b ashamed of sayin no..

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HELPLESSME
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hii karybu.....i want b able to tawk to them on kawl....even if r given choices but still i will never be able to tell my partner or spouse about what had happened to me in the past..he might divource me...so dats nearly impossible 4 me to tell:S

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nixieGurl
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Hey Helplessme,

Hope it's okay that I am chiming in again. May I ask if you are planning (or your parents are planning on you) to be married anytime soon? If not, these next few months/years or however long before you do are a really good time to plan and heal and start to work on how you are going to prepare your self for a marriage of this kind. I think it is an important time for you to worry about YOU and your feelings, your body and not what someone you don't even know yet may think of you in the future.

I think that if you can get some help, even just someone who you can talk to and voice all of these concerns, someone like from one of those links we gave you, who understands the customs of marriage in your area (as I am afraid I am a little uninformed on them) and start to get some confidence in yourself back then you will be able to look at your life with fresh eyes.

I think it's also important, as it was for me, to start to realise that having been abused does not make you in anyway used up, or less than anyone else, if anything it can make you stronger, but you have to learn how to put that energy into the right places, and to do that we often need some help.

So rather than worrying yourself about his (whoever he will be) feelings about you right now, why not put some of that time and energy into worrying about your own feelings about you, and your own self care?

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HELPLESSME
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my own feelings,life everything will be affiliated with him...m only worried if on d wedding night he finds out through intercourse then ill b left nowhere??,but as the volunteers told that he can never find out so m pretty much relaxed:)
...n secondly i read sumwhere that one can even tighten the vagina in a way wen one stops her urine is it true...???so if sumones vagina is loose so dey can apply dis aproach durin intercourse and can betray their bfx/husbands is it possible?

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HELPLESSME
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my own feelings,life everything will be affiliated with him...m only worried if on d wedding night he finds out through intercourse then ill b left nowhere??,but as the volunteers told that he can never find out so m pretty much relaxed:)
...n secondly i read sumwhere that one can even tighten the vagina in a way wen one stops her urine is it true...???so if sumones vagina is loose so dey can apply dis aproach durin intercourse and can betray their bfx/husbands is it possible?

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Heather
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Please hear this: having been sexually abused as a child will not have "loosened" your vagina. It just cannot happen in the way you are thinking.

With age (decades more than you've lived), or after vaginal childbirth, some women may have issues with vaginal muscles being less 'tight," but that's IT.

While we would rather everyone only entered relationship where they can be honest, we recognize than in situations like yours, that either may not be possible, or may have negative outcomes. That said, if you do not tell this man what happened to you, he will have no way of knowing, especially not only via your body or how it feels or looks to him.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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HELPLESSME
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thanxxxx alot everybody....i m soo grateful to u all:)love u:)

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