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Author Topic: Why doesn't he want to have sex with me?
luvgirl
Neophyte
Member # 45011

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Hi,
I've had a boyfriend for over a year now.. And we started our relationship a bit physically, but it grew with time, we're both virgins.. At some point he told me he didn't wanted to have sex with me, I was stunned when he said this 'cause we've done just about everything but actuall sex, masturbating each other, oral sex, and friction in so many different possitions.
He just said he felt that something was missing, I asked if he wanted to wait until marriage (which is in like years and years, if we even do it, cause we're 17 and 18), and he said he didn't know.
And I really don't wan't to pressure him, nor do I want to look like some perverted to him.. I just want to show him how much I truly love him, I see it as the culmination of our love together. My parentes and his are "okay" (as much as a paent could be when it comes to his child) only asking of us to be safe.
I don't know what to do, or say. I'm starting to think he doesn't desire me, or wants me that way; he's becomed more distant and less interested in my body like before. I just want to know if this is normal, for me to want to have sex with him, and what can I do?
How can I show him that is something great for us, and that it could only bring us closer?

Posts: 13 | From: Chile | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
marigold
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I think, that

1. it's perfectly normal for you to want to have sex with him, stop worrying about you being a pervert! and

2. it's also perfectly possible for him to not be ready yet.

This doesn't have anything to do with the trueness of your love: if the genders were reversed, you were a shy 17-year-old, and you had this 18-year-old, experienced, more adult-like boyfriend, what would be a better proof of his love, to respect your not-ready-ness, or to try to pressure you into it, "in the name of love"?

PIV is not existing in a whole different methaphysical plane, than the other activities you are already doing: here in Scarleteen they have a few articles about this.

And there are the gay people, who definitely can "culminate their true love" without it.

This said, of course you might have other problems in your relationship, I can't know this from here. Do you have any idea, what is that something that is missing for him? Where is it missing from, from his own soul, or from your relationship? Could you just ask him?

But in the case, if the rest is going well, I think, that if you're feeling unwanted, or perverse or guilty because of you wanting sex, this might cause a dynamic where he gets more distant. And this all can be stopped with treating these boundaries more naturally, without the need to make someone coming out of it as guilty.

There is a general assumption, that men are mindless sex machines, so if a man doesn't want to have sex, there must be a huge problem - but if you think about it, it's just the reverse side of that other theory, which says, that good women never really want sex. Which is of course bullshit.

I hope, that your problems are just about this topic, but even if you two end up breaking up, don't frame it as your fault for wanting sex, or his for not wanting: everybody has the innate right of wanting or not-wanting what they... want?

good luck!

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marigold
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"How can I show him that is something great for us, and that it could only bring us closer?"

well, sex is great between consenting participants, who are ready for it. If he doesn't give his consent, for whatever reason, it isn't something great at all. And I don't want to scare you or anything, but, for example, shaming him into something that he doesn't really want, won't bring you closer at all.

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Posts: 68 | From: slovakia | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
atm1
Scarleteen Volunteer
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(marigold, this area is for staff and volunteer replies ONLY)
Posts: 2262 | From: in transition | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
marigold
Activist
Member # 43862

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ouch, sorry [Frown] please, delete it.

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Posts: 68 | From: slovakia | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
luvgirl
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and no staff or volunteer's gonna help me? u.u
Posts: 13 | From: Chile | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Sorry, luvgirl. Things can get confusing when a user answers in this area.

While this wasn't the area for marigold to answer, marigold gave you some good answers, all the same.

Perhaps we can try putting the shoe on the other foot to have things make more sense to you: if you were a guy, and he was a girl, would you perhaps understand better that he might not feel ready for intercourse or want that just yet?

As well, I want to be clear that intercourse doesn't have any more power than any other kind of sex does to show love, or be a place where intimacy and love can be expressed. That's something that's a lot more clear to people after they have had it than it is in the abstract, but trust us when we say that the ideas most people have that intercourse is THE sexual place for closeness, to the exclusion of others, just isn't accurate, unless that's the only sexual way any two people decide they'll be emotionally open to one another. Do you get what I mean?

In other words, it really can't bring you any closer than anything else can, unless you're not being as close as you can with other activities as you'll let yourself with intercourse. And if anyone doesn't feel ready for intercourse, or want that yet or at a given time, they're not likely to feel closer at all. And there's nothing more "actual" about intercourse as there are with the other kinds of sex you're having.

However, because intercourse can be so much more emotionally loaded for people because it's so culturally loaded, and because it presents risks of pregnancy, it's not unusual for people to sometimes feel okay about other kinds of sex, but not that one.

For now, I'd say what to do is respect him when he says he doesn't know right now how he feels about that, and give him time and space to think about it, talk with you about it as he wants to, and then bring it back to the table with you if and when he does feel ready for that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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luvgirl
Neophyte
Member # 45011

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I've really tried hard to put myself in his possition, I just don't feel he's doing the same. I don't expect him to change his mind, I just want to talk about it, not to ignore the giant elephant in the room anymore.
I've always understood him and tried to be and do only what he wants.
And I know that sex is not the only act of closeness, is just that I feel like there's something to it, to him not wanting to do it with me. I'm willing to wait, I don't want you to tewll me the best way to convince him, I just want advice on how to talk it out with him, in a way he doesn't feel uncomfortable and I don't feel like he doesn't want me.
I just want to know how to talk to him, how to get him to tell me what is wrong with us, because I don't feel like there's nothing missing in our relationship besides this.

(By the way I'm 17 and he's 18).

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Okay. What I'd suggest is a few things:

1) If you preface any conversations about this by making clear that you respect his wanting to wait for right now, and that you just want to talk about your feelings, not try to convince him to change his mind, that should open it in a way he'll feel more comfortable talking about it.

2) Do keep the conversations to *your* feelings. For instance, not "You not having intercourse with me is making me feel unwanted," but instead "I feel like someone not wanting to have intercourse with me means I'm not wanted, even if that's not true." Let him know you want to voice your own feelings about all of this as it is, and hear his in the same way.

Another example would be saying that this is bigger than this for you, because you have felt he's been distancing himself from you physically for a while so this makes you feel more worried in that way.

And do really own those feelings, okay? Check in with yourself first about some of this.

Lastly, if he said he felt like something was missing in regard to all this, just be clear and ask him. "You said you felt like there was something missing: can you tell me more of what you meant?"

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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