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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » I need help. Please please please give me advice.

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Author Topic: I need help. Please please please give me advice.
Casey-Sheperd
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Member # 44861

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Well first, I think I should explain my situation. My name is Casey, and I'm 14.

I know I'm young, and I know the risks of sex. But I trust my partner, who is 16. I'm the only girl he's ever had sex with, so I know he's clean of STDs. I'm not worried about that. The first time we did it, it was an accident. You know how you just get caught up in the moment? Well it was
like that. No protection. I woke up the next day feeling sick, and felt that way for days. I was terrified I was pregnant, so finally I snuck to
the store and got pregnancy tests. After I was sure I was negative, I told my partner we needed to get protection just in case. And of course, it's happened 4 times since then. But my main problem is this: I can't orgasm. I feel terrible about it. He's got great endurance, and can go for quite some time. But I don't want him to have to.

I've tried what I can think of to stimulate us both. But I'm scared to tell him that I haven't orgasmed, because he's scared of hurting me, and
he's inexperienced, as am I. I don't want him feeling bad. He already hates himself for giving in the first time, and i feel guilty for not stopping him. Could that be why? Is there anything I could do to help myself reach climax, and to help him not feel so bad? Are we doing
something wrong?

Please understand, we do love eachother, our relationship has been, up until recently, trying to hold back, so we can set up a good life for our
future together. We never planned of giving in, and I can assure you, our relationship is NOT based only on the fact I'm letting him have his way with me.

Please help us.

Posts: 6 | From: Texas | Registered: Nov 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Alice
Scarleteen Volunteer
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Hi Casey, and welcome to Scarleteen.

It is very, very common for women to not have orgasms from intercourse alone, it's nothing that either of you are doing wrong and neither of you should feel bad or guilty about it.

Also, just fyi, in the case of a pregnancy risk you would NOT have symptoms as early as the next day. It can take as long as a month or more for the symptoms to kick in. The only symptom of pregnancy i a missed period. A pregnancy test would be accurate 10-14 days after the risk, or on the day you have a missed period: whichever comes first.

I have some reading for you:

Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide
Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist
Birth Control Bingo!
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

Are you comfortable with having sex right now? I'm hearing from your post that you're practically apologizing for it (also just FYI: no need apologize here! No one is going to judge you! We want you to be safe, healthy & happy but you do not need to apologize or justify.) & you describe it as "giving in." So, is this something that you actually, really want to do at this point in time?

Read those articles I linked you to, they have lots of great info and may clear some things up for you.

--------------------
The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you. - B.B. King

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Casey-Sheperd
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Thanks. I'm very thankful I found this site. The people are so nice, and the information is very helpful.

I've read that somewhere. I was just hoping I could find something to help. He's not comfortable with giving oral. And I'm not going to force him to.

I knew that much, and the first few days I figure it was phantom symptoms. But after a while, i started getting really worried. I waited as long as the test said to, which was a month after intercourse. And I haven't really noticed to much more since, so I think I was right about the phantom illness.

Thanks, I'll be sure to go read when I can. The thing is, I'm not very close to my parents, and I don't plan on telling them about "my slip-up." So I have to be careful.

I'm comfortable with the act itself, and I trust my partner. I'm just embarrassed sometimes, talking about it. Though flirting, and foreplay talk, I've got down and don't mind doing it.

And I do apologize... mostly to him. I think I should've had more strength to say no. And as to wanting to do it, we were aware of the.... urges, shall we say, but were trying to ignore them. Trying to wait. Our plan was to wait a long time. Like, at LEAST until I was a sophomore in high school. But just in case, we planned on going to a free clinic once one of us could drive, so i could get started on pregnancy pills. Just as an extra precaution.

And he apologizes because he feels it's his fault we had sex. He things he pushed to far, but honestly, I pushed. I hate the fact he's mad at himself.

I know it's bad to say, "It's my fault," "it's his fault," and-so-on. But it's just the truth.

Posts: 6 | From: Texas | Registered: Nov 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stephanie_1
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Hi Casey. I know sex is one topic a lot of people are embarrassed to talk about, but really there's no reason to be. But know that your feeling in this is perfectly natural.

Sounds like now would be a really good time for the two of you to sit down and talk openly and honestly about what's happened and what you would like to see happen or not happen in the future. If you don't want to be having intercourse, then it's a boundary you need to talk about and decide how to best build that boundary. Too, it's really not about someone's fault that it happened, and from what I can see you both decided to participate - so let's not worry about "fault" so much as what you plan to do in the future per both your comfort zones, okay?

As per your question on not being ableto reach orgasm with your partner, what about by yourself? A lot of times women find out more about what helps them reach that point on their own through masturbation than with a partner, and that knowledge helps with partnered sex down the road. As well, if you're not feeling completely into sex of any kind with a partner being right for you right now, it'sunlikely that you're relaxed enough to reach orgasm anyway.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Casey-Sheperd
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It's not that I don't want to, I do. Most of the time. And I don't mind doing it. I just feel bad that I let it happen so young. I mean, I'm only 14, and he just turned 16. I always thought I'd be the girl completely alone the rest of my life. I never thought I'd find someone who would want me. I'm a little over weight, and I have stretch marks from the weight, as well as my face and back break out. I didn't see myself as desirable. At all.

I do masturbate... quite a bit. But I have the same problem. A can only climax in the shower. With the water directly over my clit. I've tried without the shower, but it just doesn't work.

And i don't blame him. My outlook, is it's happened, no need stressing about it. Also, it's not a big deal if it happens again, because we're protected, and it is our choice. It's more that he insists that I be angry with him, but I can't be.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You know that no matter when any of us became sexually active, we are never obligated to keep having sex if that isn't what we want, if it feels like too much too soon, or if it's just not what we feel we can or want to handle, right?

Can I ask why your partner is "insisting you be angry" with him? I'm not sure I understand.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Casey-Sheperd
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Sorry for the delay in reply.

I understand that fully.

Well, I want to blame myself, but I'm grateful he doesn't blame me. HE on the other hand, gets upset with himself, and at one point tried to convince me to hate him. He thinks he's forcing himself on me, and get's upset when he asks me to do something sexual, though I'm fully compliant. He has decided everything that happens between us sexually, is his fault, and feels he's taking advantage of me. For example. We haven't had sex in about a month, maybe a month and a half. Mostly because I try to find ways to stay abstinent. Sometimes anyway. And last night, we were left alone for a few hours. He'd start kissing me passionately, then pull back suddenly, looking angry and apologizing.

In that kind of situation, I continually tell him it's not his fault, and that I'm in control, that nothing would've happened, unless I let it. Therefor making it ok, since we both obviously agreed. I hate him feeling so angry with himself. Sometimes it make me sad to see him struggle.

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Heather
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Please tell me if I'm misinterpreting, but what I keep hearing is still more of you sometimes "being okay with" sex (of any kinds, something sexual) he initiates, but what I am NOT hearing is that this is anything YOU initiate or sound like you really DO want.

Does that sound right to you?

If it does, I'd say it's sound he IS feeling this way, because it may well be that if you really aren't interested save to comply with him, that he IS taking advantage. In other words, what he may be expressing is feeling like he is exploiting you because you seem, to him, to be someone who does not have your own interest in going there. In other words, someone complying, or being okay with something is not the same as someone strongly wanting something to the point they will initiate things themselves just as much.

Of course, if that's the case, it also is up to him TO be in control of HIMSELF, and to STOP initiating if he does not feel good about that dynamic. If he wants to take responsibility for this, he needs to do that for himself, rather than asking you to be angry with him or push responsibility ON him.

There's a lot more I can say about this, but before I do, I want to make sure I'm not making incorrect assumptions, okay?

[ 12-10-2009, 05:51 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Casey-Sheperd
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I tease him alot. I dress to expose myself to tease him. Sometimes I graze up against him to drive him crazy. Isn't that initiating?

The only thing I'm against about sex, is I'm scared we'll be caught. If either of our parents found out, we'd never see eachother again. Other then that, yeah, I'm totally for it.

Either way, you show a good point. Maybe he doesn't fell I'm into it enough. Could that be it? Should I be doing something more?

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