Donate Now
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Crazy Conversation Coming Up

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Crazy Conversation Coming Up
Starfire&Shadows
Activist
Member # 31388

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Starfire&Shadows     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Here's the problem:

I need to have "the conversation" with my guy. We've been together in person for a few months, but in a long distance set up for the last few. But our relationship doesn't work for me for a myriad of reasons.

The problem is that I value his friendship so much. I would do anything not to hurt him. I would give him almost anything. And it works for him wonderfully. And he's also really sensitive (esp. about his body) and I've been there and it sucks.

Ok:
So any tips on how to explain to him/her that I would rather just be friends without just being as big a dick as the rest of the world is? If you need - I'll go into more detail...

--------------------
We are all made of Star Stuff...
-Carl Sagan

...Their eyes beheld, first of all things, the stars of heaven.
-Silmarillion

Posts: 90 | From: Unknown | Registered: Nov 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The thing is that break-ups tend to always suck, to varying degrees, for everyone involved. So is your partner going to be hurt when you break up with him? Probably. But no one wins if you keep up a relationship you're not into to spare his feelings.

The best thing you can do is just be honest with yourself, and with him. Just tell him what you have told us: You like him and value his friendship, but aren't interested in a romantic relationship with him at this point.

Telling him how you feel doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you an honest person. Relationships shift and change along with the people in them, and keeping your partner posted on what's going on with you, and adjusting your relationship model, is just going to be part of most of our deeper, interpersonal relationships.

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Starfire&Shadows
Activist
Member # 31388

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Starfire&Shadows     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks.

You're right it's going to suck no matter what [Frown] . But then again the majority of people have handled it and come out ok.

I've brought it up before so he knows. He wants to know why. One of the major reasons is because ther's certain things about his body that don't work for me - even though I find him aesthetically beautiful. The problem is he's gotten a lot of flack in the past, and he's sensitive. But he wants to know WHY. [Frown]

We'll work something out.

--------------------
We are all made of Star Stuff...
-Carl Sagan

...Their eyes beheld, first of all things, the stars of heaven.
-Silmarillion

Posts: 90 | From: Unknown | Registered: Nov 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, it sounds like you do know why -- you say there are a bunch of reasons -- so can you not just fill him in?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Starfire&Shadows
Activist
Member # 31388

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Starfire&Shadows     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks for the help & advice.
I guess I just have to do it and trust him to a certain extent.

I guess I was hoping for a magic formula for telling him it's NOT him, or his fault.
(besides I-statements, which are good but don't completely work)
But there might not be one.

Thank you for answering my questions and being patient. And running this website.

--------------------
We are all made of Star Stuff...
-Carl Sagan

...Their eyes beheld, first of all things, the stars of heaven.
-Silmarillion

Posts: 90 | From: Unknown | Registered: Nov 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You know, I think pretty much everyone by now knows that "It's not you, it's me," is a line. A well-intended line, to be sure, but a line all the same.

Generally, when someone wants out of a relationships, it's because of things both people have had involvement in. Now, when you're talking about your own wants and needs and how he may or may not meet them, that's mostly your stuff, but still, you can't exempt anyone involved in a relationship in the relationship going south.

I bet you can find a way to be kind and sensitive and also express what is no longer working for you. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3

Google
Search Scarleteen