ok, so one time a couple years ago this guy i know (we'll call him bob) might have raped me and now he's coming to visit mutual friends (he now lives in a different state) and so they're having a party and I'm invited. I guess that this is just sort of bringing up bad feelings and I don't really know what to do. One of the people who lives at the apartment where they are throwing the party is my close friend and on-and-off boyfriend (we'll call him charles), right now we're in more of an "on" phase. Anyway, I feel upset that they are friends and that charles is so excited that bob is coming to visit. Charles doesn't really know about the incident, well he knows a fake version where bob and i had consensual sex. I don't know if I should tell charles or not because I'm afraid of what his reaction might be. I think that he might not agree that what happened was anything bad, rape or sexual assault or semi-rape-type scenario. And I don't want to deal with a dismissive response from someone who I'm close to. Also I kind of want to go to the party and confront bob and punch him or something. I'm not going to do that though, but in my fantasy it's kind of satisfying. Okay, I'm sorry that this message is lacking in order and coherence, I have a lot of trouble communicating through writing and especially when the topic is personal. I guess my questions are 1) was what happened to me sexual assault, rape, or anything like that? 2) what should i do to deal? 3) what should i do about this party? 4)should i tell charles? Okay, obviously I didn't give you enough information to answer number 1 at all or enough info to answer 4. So in regards to question 1. Okay first off I feel bad asking the was it rape question because I know that there are a ton of those questions that y'all receive and really you give thorough answers and info in the articles on the main scarleteen website. but I'm still feeling like I need to hear an answer. Anyways so in brief what happened (this was a little over two years ago): I lived in a dorm at my college and bob also lived in the same dorm. We knew each other and often hung out in the same social groups, we we're friendly but it's not like we were close or really friends. Anyway, one friday or saturday night, neither of us had anything going on, I had been hanging out with one of my close friends but then he wanted to go to sleep and it was really early, like eleven o'clock or something and lots of people were out or something so there wasn't really anything to do, I didn't want to go to sleep but that was basically what I was going to do, go to my room and read and go to bed, then I ran into bob in the halls and he wasn't really doing anything but he said it was bogus to go to bed so early on a friday night, so he invited me to his room to watch movies and hang out. So I did. I didn't think anything of it, I thought he just wanted to hang out and watch movies, chat, what have you. I knew he had a long-term girlfriend at another school. Also there just hadn't been any indication I don't think on either of our parts of anything beyond a friendly socialiness, no potential sexual or whatever vibes. so we we're in his room drinking beers (we were both 21). I drank a lot, he kept getting up to get himself another and offering me another, at the time I didn't really think anything of it, I just thought he was being a good host, I mean when I had friends and people in my room I was constantly offering them food and beverage especially anytime I was feeding myself. Anyway, after awhile he started talking about sex/ual histories and such. then he said that if i wanted to have sex he was into it. I don't know, maybe y'all think this is slutty, but I had been really thinking about having sex for the awhile around this time and had planned that night to proposition my one friend who I had been hanging out with earlier that evening but then he was tired and I chickened out. so i was like sure. then after we had fooled around for awhile, he said he didn't have a condom, and I gave him a look like you have got to be kidding but before I could say anything he said he'd go around and ask some fellow dorm people and get one and he'd be back. so I waited, I have no idea how long because I was really drunk and my concept of time was pretty much gone and I was sort of in this hazy state and my memory kind of goes in and out. In retrospect I wonder if he even really tried to get one, because it shouldn't have been that hard it was a big dorm there were definitely bunches of people with condoms. anyway so he came back and got undressed and back in bed and said that he couldn't get one. so i was like that sucks i guess we'll just have to keep doing what we've been doing and not have intercourse. I'm not sure what my exact words were, like I said things were a little hazy but that was definitely what i was thinking and the basic just of what i said, anyway so we're fooling around and stuff and he says why don't I just pull out and I was like hell no but I'm not sure what I said I might have said no i don't think so or i might have just made a negatory grunt. but he knew i meant no because then he made some wise-*** remark "i can pull out you know, i am capable of doing that" with a little dismissive chuckle. I remember in my mind I was thinking, some sarcastic response like wow aren't you talented or no shit sherlock or you're an a--hole congratulations. but i don't know what I said out loud. I think I either said something like no, or i don't think so, or I might have just made a unh-unh sound or i might have just shaken my head or i might not have said anything or shaken my head, i'm not sure, so then we went back to making out and then suddenly he had jabbed his **** into my vagina, and i remember thinking, omg you are such an a--hole, what a douchebag, but I didn't say anything, I don't really know why. then he did in fact pull out before he came. then he said he was going to take a shower and indicated that I should go. the next day just to be on the safe side I went to the pharmacy and got the morning after pill and in a few weeks I went to planned parenthood and got sti testing. everything was fine on that front so that's good. Re-thinking about this, now I'm so pissed. I've told some people what happened but they never said anything like that was bad what he did. My one friend just yelled at me for being so irresponsible for not using a condom. anyway, look forward to reading your response(s)
Posts: 10 | From: U.S.A. | Registered: Mar 2009
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He obviously knew that you didn't want to have intercourse without a condom. No consent=rape. The rest of your questions I can't answer, sorry...
Posts: 122 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2007
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From a standpoint of helping you to heal and deal, it doesn't really matter whether what happened to you would be classified as rape or abuse by your friends or your boyfriend, or would legally count as rape or abuse. What matters is how YOU feel about it. You clearly feel violated, and this experience is clearly something that you still think about and that still affects you. And your feelings, regardless of how what happened would be classified, are valid, and what matters here.
That said, from a legal standpoint, you are not able to give consent if you are intoxicated. Since it looks like you were at least too drunk to really put your thoughts into words and let the guy know what was going on, that would indicate that you were too intoxicated to give consent. Too, any decent and caring person who respects you is going to stop trying to have sex with you if you are so out of it that you can't put together a sentence. That's a clear sign that you're in no fit state to give consent.
Since it appears that you haven't dealt with this yet at all, I would suggest that you start out by getting some counseling to talk about what happened, and sort out how you feel about it. I get the sense that, at this point, you are too preoccupied with what others may say about this to bother figuring out how YOU feel about it. Understanding that you are NOT to blame for what happened, that it WAS an assault, and that you have every right to be affected by this and feel violated from this would be a really important first step. If you're in college, you can seek out counseling on campus. Otherwise, we can help find you some local resources if you let us know where you're at.
Once you've started to process this for yourself, it'd be a good idea to at least talk to your partner about it. This isn't a topic that is easy to talk about, so I completely get being worried about telling friends and family, and there is no need for you to rush into telling people when you're not ready for it. But honesty is key in a relationship, so even just letting your partner know that there's something that you need to tell him once you're ready, would be a good idea.
[ 03-19-2009, 10:12 AM: Message edited by: September ]
-------------------- Johanna Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
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Thank you both for your responses! I'm in Chicago, but I'm sure I can easily find some counseling places so you don't have to bother with that. Thanks again.
Posts: 10 | From: U.S.A. | Registered: Mar 2009
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