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Author Topic: i am so confused
babybear
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I think my reply to Heather says what I really wanted to say in the first place!

[ 12-29-2008, 12:01 AM: Message edited by: babybear ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm glad you realize that this was an unhealthy and emotionally abusive relationship.

Now, what you do if you ask me, is cut off ALL contact. All of it. No more talking to him, don't take his calls, nothing. There is no right thing to say to get rid of an abusive, controlling person. You just have to get out, get away and cut all ties. You're actually lucky he split up with you (especially since it wasn't looking like you were going to do it): controlling people often refuse to let go.

Are you able to do that? If not, can you call on a friend to help you do that?

In terms of how to try to avoid guys like this more in the future, one thing I can see is that the things you listed in your second paragraph, or in this post here or this one here? I think you knew the signs then: next time, you just need to pay attention to them and not stick around any more after that. You don't give stuff like this second chances: there's no point, because so long as you stay, it's going to continue and usually escalate.

Listening to how upset you are about the breakup, even knowing this was not anything good, can you talk more about the feelings you are having? In other words, I'm trying to see if we can't get at what in these relationships you're actually attached to, and also to see if perhaps you're even in the right space yet TO be pursuing relationships.

[ 12-28-2008, 10:42 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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babybear
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Heather, I have no idea what my problem is. With this relationship, I entered it feeling so confident, you know? I thought I would never let anyone treat me in such a way ever again. Yet he did things that would make me feel bad, we would argue, and I would just let it go. The whole controlling aspect... honestly, the most popular forms of control people talk about are a partner telling you who to speak to, or telling you to change your clothes. The things he would try to control were so subtle and unheard of I kind of pushed them aside. We fought all the time, though, because I never gave in to his outlandish demands. He still tries to make me feel like hiding that newspaper article is such a small and simple task that it shouldn't be an issue. But, it IS an issue. He is trying to change me, trying to conform me to what he wants. He would mask his controlling behavior with it being a "sacrafice", claiming he would do it for me if I asked. I always argued I would NEVER try to make him change who he was.

He acts so kind and caring, then pulls this crap. He sucks me in with this "good guy" attitude and then subltely requests things, like hiding a newspaper article. Luckily I recogonize this is outrageous, I just don't understand why I am sad about not being with a total jerk.

I think a small part of me was really hoping he would have been a good guy. Like, I am so sick that I dealt with the ex before him for so long, and to think I have screwed up again makes me feel like crap.

Is it so wrong to want someone to accept me for who I am? I know one person cannot like every single thing about another - this is obvious. But, in my mind, a good partner wants someone with their own idendity, not who they want them to be. I don't think it so selfish to expect my partner to walk into my room, see something he doesn't like, but completely brush it off - not even think twice about it - because he wants me to be ME and accepts that. He made me feel like I was wrong for this - like I am unwilling to change for anyone. I could understand if we were watching a TV show, let's say, about a patient dying from cancer, and someone close to him had suffered from a similar situation. I would change the channel even if I wanted to watch because it could potentionally bring up some bad memories.That is reasonable. What he suggested is not.

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Heather
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quote:
He acts so kind and caring, then pulls this crap.
...and that's the cycle of abuse. If abusers did not have those phases, they couldn't get anyone to stay.

I want you to read something you wrote:

quote:
...to think I have screwed up again makes me feel like crap.
Listen: you are NOT responsible for some guys behavior. You're only responsible for your own. YOU do not do anything to make these guys act like this.

quote:
I think a small part of me was really hoping he would have been a good guy.
I think that's probably the heart of this. Trouble is, we can't wish someone into being a good guy. As well, you might have to date a while before you find one: and when I say that, I mean DATE. NOT relationships.

A doctor at your clinic who often has clients who are healing from abuses often advises a full year of no sexual relationships: no sex with anyone at all. I know that can sound a bit extreme, but I think it can be really good advice, and one good way to not get reeled in by creeps.

It also just sounds like you're lonely. What's your friend network like these days? What are you doing besides being in a romantic relationship?

As well, I forget if you have yet had any counseling? If not, is that something you might consider? It can be a really big help in just learning some solid tools to manage your feelings and to learn to find healthy relationships with healthy people.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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babybear
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I know it's not my fault. I'm not a bad person, I don't deserve this. I just feel a huge amount of jealousy when I look at my friends, happy in their relationships.

You're right, I am lonely. A bunch of my friends moved out of state in the past year, and well, a best friend of six years is so stuck up her boyfriends behind, I don't even exist, unless he is working and she is bored. She called me once throughout this whole thing, and when we tried to talk about it, the conversation just went directly to her boyfriends life. I could write a biography on him. She is also very pig headed - won't even hesitate to outright insult me, because, apparently, she lives the perfect life and knows what is the right thing to do. It was easy to get through my last break up because all of my friends were home and very supportive. Totally different story now. I guess I just enojoyed having someone to talk to every day. I am quite sad at this point in time,not only because of my ex, but, my fiends as well.


I honestly just want to cry.

[ 12-29-2008, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: babybear ]

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