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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Miscarriage.

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Author Topic: Miscarriage.
XArexYouxGothlicX
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How do you know if you've had one?

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"It's just me and Da Kurlzz, we're taking over the world."

Posts: 75 | From: Belen, New Mexico | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LilBlueSmurf
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If it's very early in a pregnancy, sometimes you don't/can't know.

If you've had a positive pregnancy test and then bleeding as if you have a period, you are likely miscarrying.

Are you worried you've had a miscarriage?

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Nursing is a work of heart!
~ unknown

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XArexYouxGothlicX
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Yes.
I think I had one last night.
Cause I missed my period in May.
And I just knew that I was pregnant.
You know?
And at first, I was scared.
Then I started to get really happy, because I want to be a young mother.
Well.
Anyway, last night, my mother found out.
She just asked "those types of questions" and figured it out.
Which.. I wasn't too worried about.
But then, like not even with in two hours, I went the bathroom and a big clump of red blood just came out.
And I told my mother..
I started to cry.
And now my stomach hurts and I'm bleeding very lightly.
Mind you, I talked to my boyfriend about this and he said that it was just my body aborting the baby.
I feel like it's my fault...
And I hate it.
I couldn't get to sleep and I kept waking up.
Soo.
I don't know.. if I did have one..
Ohh, and if I was to have my period, it wouldn't have come this early.
It would have been like at the end of June.
I'm sorry if any of this is confusing..
I just..
I don't know what to do.
My mother set up a doctor's appointment fer me fer tomorrow.
And I'm scared.
I can't deal with this..
It hurts too much...
Soo, all I want to know is if from what I told you, if I had a miscarriage.
If you're confused on anything..
I'll try to explain it better.

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"It's just me and Da Kurlzz, we're taking over the world."

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LilBlueSmurf
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I can't tell you if you had a miscarriage or not.

You may have had a longer menstrual cycle than normal. It is not uncommon for young women to have irregular cycles. How long are your cycles normally? Are they regular?

Have you had unprotected sex? Are you trying to become pregnant?

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Nursing is a work of heart!
~ unknown

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-Lauren-
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No, there is no conclusive way to tell you if you had a miscarriage because there was no confirmed pregnancy. The only way to know is from a positive pregnancy test. There are no magical ways to "know" you're pregnant otherwise except if you're experiencing pregnancy symptoms -- and even those are far from foolproof.

There is no need to go to the doctor if you're only having period-like bleeding. Very early miscarriages place no more additional strain on your body than a period; since 50% of pregnancies end this way, often before a pregnancy is even confirmed, it goes to show it's very natural.

If you are bleeding heavily, having significant pain, or pass a lot of tissue, a checkup from a doctor couldn't hurt. Word to the wise though -- my sister had an actual miscarriage, and the most she was told at the ER was to go home and let it pass.

(Smurf beat me to it!)

[ 06-12-2008, 04:01 PM: Message edited by: *Lauren* ]

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XArexYouxGothlicX
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Well, that's the thing.
Usually when I'm on my period I do bleed very heavily.
And I'm bleeding only lightly.
And I don't really get cramps during my period.
But there has been a lot of pain and it won't go away...

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"It's just me and Da Kurlzz, we're taking over the world."

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XArexYouxGothlicX
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My cycles are usually right on time.
If anything it would be a couple of days then my period would start.
But.. it's been two weeks and five days since my period was supposed to start.
And it's never that late.
Yes, we did have unprotected sex.
And yes we are trying to get pregnant.

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"It's just me and Da Kurlzz, we're taking over the world."

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-Lauren-
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If it's been 14 days since your last incidence of unprotected sex, you can take a pregnancy test now in order to obtain an accurate result. If it's positive, you'll want to call your doctor for advice about the bleeding. Immediate medical attention is not necessary so early on.

You will, however, want to get in to the OB/GYN anyway; young mothers face additional health risks from pregnancy, and you'll need to start prenatals and start healthy habits like quitting any addictions and revamping your diet BEFORE you get pregnant. Your doctor can also provide conceiving advice and give you the full check-up you need to make sure you're healthy enough to carry a baby. Give parenting a responsible start before it begins! :D

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XArexYouxGothlicX
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It's been more than fourteen days since my last period.
And I'm bleeding now..
Soo, what would the pregnancy test do fer me now?
I don't have any additions or anything..

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"It's just me and Da Kurlzz, we're taking over the world."

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-Lauren-
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It's possible to experience light bleeding in the early stages of pregnancy, so a positive would tell you to get seen for pre-natal care.
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-Lauren-
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Also, have you and your partner been screened for STI's before trying to conceive? If not, be aware that light bleeding and pain can be indicative of several different illnesses, and many STI's can be very detrimental to the health of a fetus.

PS: How is your history with self-harming going? Have you sought help for it and feel those issues are well-resolved? Taking care of yourself comes first, and it is not fair to yourself or a potential child to add another responsibility to that list if you're already overwhelmed with basic self-care.

[ 06-12-2008, 06:11 PM: Message edited by: *Lauren* ]

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XArexYouxGothlicX
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I just got back from the EC.
And they said that I tested positive fer being pregnant.
The doctor told me the same thing, "It's possible to experience light bleeding in the early stages of pregnancy."
He wants me to go in fer an ultra sound asap.
I asked my boyfriend before he and I ever had sex of any form and he said that he doesn't have any Stds.
And I don't believe I have any seeing as he was my first.
Wow.
I can't believe you remembered.
Or read the thread.
Lawl.
I stopped long ago.
Everything is fine.
I don't self harm, but I do have a confession.
About a week ago my mother and I got into a fight. And I wanted to self harm.
But I didn't.
Then, yesterday, I do believe.
My boyfriend and I did get into an argument and that really stressed me out but it didn't make me want to self harm.
Plus I wouldn't have because I thought of the baby.
I am at least seven weeks pregnant.
Is it bad that I'm happy about it?
I mean, my mother isn't.
And she is upset with my boyfriend because she thinks that he isn't doing anything.
But really he is.
Last night when I called him, he calmed me down.
And he made me feel better.
Mind you, he was upset also.
But, he was still there fer me.
I guess it's just her, cause she is having relationship problems of her own.
But whatever.
Lawl.
And I think the main reason fer me wanting to get pregnant so soon, is because, I've always had this fear of her not being able to see her grandchildren.
Seeing as she and my father had me so late.
I don't know.
I just..
I'm happy.
Ohh, could being sick cause problems with the baby?
Sorry, if I'm ranting..
I just.. I don't know, I can't really talk to anyone else, meaning my friends.
And if I could, I would want to talk to them in person not over the phone or through any other method that isn't in person..
Anyway..
Thank you.
:]

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"It's just me and Da Kurlzz, we're taking over the world."

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-Lauren-
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(Hey Gothic, I'm loving helping you out, but could you please remember to write in paragraphs? It makes it easier for us to read and helps us to understand and help you best. [Smile] )

Okay, so you are pregnant and getting the care you need from your MD. That's good! They'll be able to tell you what's going on.. but I'd encourage you not to hold your breath. I'm not saying that to be cruel, but because bleeding during early pregnancy leads to miscarriage in about half of cases, so it is likely. You need to be prepared for the possibility. Also, you need to be tested for STI's; you simply can't go by someone's word these days, and some infections can damage your baby.

It sounds like the relationship with both your mom and your boyfriend is somewhat tumultuous. Are you sure they both would be able to support you in parenting a child? Are you honest-to-goodness ready to tackle raising a child by yourself, since for most teen mothers, that's the norm no matter how many promises they get in the beginning? Who can you rely on for support if your existing relationships with friends aren't very open, given that becoming a teen parent can isolate you even further from people your age?

I'm also seeing that the way you're talking about having a baby is about other people -- it's really helpful when deciding if you're ready to parent to think in terms of what you can offer and provide a baby at this time. If your mom wanted another kid in her life that badly, she could adopt, babysit, or volunteer; it shouldn't fall onto you and a potential child. So, what do you want, all this considered, all this given? What can you offer a baby? How do you plan to do it all while taking care of yourself and having an active social life -- something a child can't supplement?

If you can very honestly sit down, think about and examine these issues and their very real impact you deserve applause, because that means you're more prepared for the sort of decision-making and responsibility parenting entails than most. [Smile]

[ 06-12-2008, 10:05 PM: Message edited by: *Lauren* ]

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XArexYouxGothlicX
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Ohh, sorry. I don't normally write in paragraphs. :] I know that there is still a chance of this baby being a miscarriage. And I've been thinking about that from the start. You see, my mother had four miscarriages before she had me. And even I was an extreme complication. Soo, that's why I was scared, could that be a possibility that I'll have one, because of the fact with my mother? It's hard to think of this. And when I thought I had one, I cried hysterically. It was bad. My mother tried to comfort me and I backed up...

How do I go about getting tested fer Stds? I've never had to worry about that. Or should it be him that I should be worrying about? Wow, weird. Lawl. My mother told me tonight, if she see that the baby isn't being taken care of like it's supposed to be, (I will not let that happen.) then she will do everything to take the baby away so she could raise it properly. And I know that she means business. My boyfriend. Yes. I do believe he will be able to support the baby and I. If not, then I will try to do it and so will my mother. But he and I do need to talk about this. And I am determined to get the point across.

"I'm also seeing that the way you're talking about having a baby is about other people." I don't understand this. Lawl. No, she doesn't want a child of her own, she is starting to become happy with the fact that she might be a Grandmother. I can see it in her eyes. I don't have an active social life to begin with. Soo, there really isn't a problem there. And I do want this.

I want this, and have wanted this more than anything fer a long while. I know, it's not something that teens think about, but I've been thinking about being a young mother since I was like... Gush... Fourteen. Like no joke. I love children. And people have told me that I am more wise than most my age.(Not trying to gloat. Lawl.) But, I feel I'm ready. I will work at everything to take care of this baby, with or without the help of the father. Even though, I know he wants this, also. I would be perfectly fine just tending to my child and have that be my social life.

I hope to be more prepared than most.
:]

Also, is being sick harmful to the baby?

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"It's just me and Da Kurlzz, we're taking over the world."

Posts: 75 | From: Belen, New Mexico | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Unfortunately, I'm just home from a whole workday full of exactly this kind of counseling, so I can't get too in-depth, but I will be around this weekend if you'd like to talk more.

But I can posit a few things to think about which might help should you remain pregnant.

1. ) A baby is only a baby for a very short time. It can be very helpful to view parenting realistically to not speak of a child as a baby, but as a child, and to also see it as an infant, a child, a juvenile, an adolescent, an adult.

2.) Parenting is incredibly socially isolating. So, per my view, the fact that you already feel isolated isn't really a bonus, but something to consider more carefully since you're likely to become even more so during an enterprise where the more social support, the better. I have yet to EVER meet a parent, ever, who has said that just them and their kid worked or left them sane. Adults who are emotionally healthy do need other adults, especially given how demanding having kids of your own can be, and the fact that parents need boundaries with kids: kids can't be a parent's best friend or sole support system. That isn't healthy for a child. Honestly, if no one but you and kiddo worked for you and your kid, you would likely be the only two people in history for whom that were so, and it also isn't so hot for a kid to grow up with only one person around to lean on, talk to, and interact with.

3.) Sit down with your boyfriend, if you two are serious about being parents, and start drawing out a plan from the short-term to the long-term. Start with both of you finishing school if you haven't and dealing with jobs: one or more likely, both of you, will likely need one to provide for a child. Jot down both of your life goals when it comes to what you want with work, schooling, creative endeavors, places you want to live, the way you want to live. Look at the cost of things like rent, food, clothing, healthcare, transport, medical care, etc. in a month for three people and then talk about how you're going to work that budget. Since his staying around is far more mutable -- not just now, but later on -- I'd do that just for yourself and a child as well, especially since your mother likely will not always have the means or the interest in paying all those expenses for both of you.

4) Again, see if you can't move out of just what you want. Lauren suggested that, and your answer to her was to stick right with an answer about what YOU wanted. But once you decide to be a parent, you usually come second from there on out, and in many ways, you have to for a kid to get all that they need. What do you have to offer a kid? You talk about why you'd choose one, but were the shoe on the other foot, and a potential kid could sit in a room of potential parents, bearing in mind all of their needs, why might one choose you above others, or the you of today against the you of five or ten years from now? Not just love and affection, but in terms of preparedness, meeting their basic material needs, being someone stable over time for them -- even when you are in deep crisis -- external support systems, education, etc., how would a kid see you as able ot unable to meet all those needs?

5) Talk to some other young parents as well as parents of older kids who became parents young. Just ask them to talk to you about their lives, things they may or may not have done differently, what they have needed, how realistic their expectations were.

6) I use this for options counseling at the clinic, and I think it's a pretty fantastic workbook to really work through pregnancy options, taking everything into account from material needs to emotions to spiritual beliefs: http://www.pregnancyoptions.info/pregnant.htm

It may be helpful for you right now.

I'm pretty shocked your doctor didn't already talk to you about STI tests. Doing those is part of basic prenatal care. So, if he or she did not, just call in and ask to have tests arranged, even though they should have discussed that with you.

Lastly, from a legal perspective, your mother could not take a child of yours away from you. Just so you're aware. She can mean business all she wanted, but if she did that, it would legally be kidnapping.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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XArexYouxGothlicX
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Well, thank you. But it doesn't matter now. Because, I did in fact have a miscarriage. I told my boyfriend that I wanted to go on birth control. I don't even want him to go anywhere near my vagina fer a while. I feel like crapp. Like it's my fault.. I know that it's not. But I just do. It hurts so much. I was getting all excited about it too, having already picked out baby names. But, I guess it wasn't right. I just.. I don't know. Uggh. Thank you fer you're replies.... D:

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"It's just me and Da Kurlzz, we're taking over the world."

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Heather
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I'm glad you know that it's not. Really, miscarriage is usually the body's way of being smart. It can aptly make a determination as to when a pregnancy is likely to be healthy for you and the fetus or not, and to result in a healthy child.

No matter what, you get to grieve if you feel grief. Write for yourself. Watch a weepy movie. Go yell into the air somewhere if you need to. Eat comfort foods.

And all of these things do still matter. If you do feel very strongly about parenting at some point -- especially if you think that's at some point soon -- then thinking about all of this remains important. You can put your energy into making a plan to get yourself at a place where parenting is feasible and would be ideal for you and a child (as ideal as parenting gets, anyway), and start doing things like saving up money, making plans for the kind of life for yourself that would be best for a child and for you, etc.

Just so you also know for any next time, it really is a good idea not to get too invested in a pregnancy very early on, since it's common enough for pregnancies not to stick so early. Picking out names before you've been pregnant for a few months, for instance, is just something that might put you more in the position of having your heart broken when a pregnancy doesn't complete or sustain itself.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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XArexYouxGothlicX
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Okay.. Thank you..

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"It's just me and Da Kurlzz, we're taking over the world."

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XArexYouxGothlicX
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Okay, so we can't have sex fer three weeks. And it's killing him. Because, before that, we've not had sex fer a week. And we were sitting in his car, and foolin' around, mind you he was ready, but he knew that we can't have sex. But what bothers me, the usual things that he does to turn me on, aren't turning me on right now. And I was wondering, is that because of my miscarriage? Or.. could it be something else.

And I know what I can do to relieve him of his needs. But, I can't bring myself to, and it bothers me, because I want to pleasure him, but I don't know why I can't bring myself to.. Any ideas as to why?

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"It's just me and Da Kurlzz, we're taking over the world."

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orca
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After what you've been through, it isn't suprising that you aren't wanting any kind of sex right now, and that's perfectly okay. You should be taking as much time as you need right now to get yourself in a positive space where any sexual activity (whether intercourse, manual, oral, or any other kind of sex, even kissing) will be fulfilling for you, and not just something you feel you need to do to "relieve" your boyfriend.

You aren't required to "relieve" him of his "needs." He has at least one functioning hand, yes? Then he can take care of it himself. It is not your job nor your responsibility. He's a big boy and can do the job for himself. Is your boyfriend putting this pressure on you? If so, is there anything we can do to help you?

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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XArexYouxGothlicX
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I like to kiss him. I do. And it bothers me that I'm not being aroused. Ohh, I know that we can't have sex (intercourse.)But, why is that? I don't understand why. And, also, would oral or um, manual be bad? Or do we have to wait on that too?

I know I'm not required to relieve him. But, I want to, and I can't bring myself to do it. He's not forcing or putting pressure on me, of any sort. I just want the satisfaction of knowing that I can bring him to orgasm with out intercourse. And I don't know why I can't bring myself. Yes, he does have TWO functioning hands. Lawl. But, that's really not the point. You know?

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"It's just me and Da Kurlzz, we're taking over the world."

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