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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Minimise the pain...

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Author Topic: Minimise the pain...
Namida
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Me and my girlfriend have started talking about having sex. She's worried about the pain of the first time and ever since I was old enough to think abut these things I've dreaded inflicting that pain on the girl I love if she hadn't already had her hymen torn.
So, besides using lubrication, going slowly and not penetrating deeply to start with how else can I minimise the pain?

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And still the beds are burning, burning in our sleep.
Take me away from everything I see.

Posts: 66 | From: Australia | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LilBlueSmurf
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Do know that not every girl experiences pain the first them she has intercourse. I didn't. It weird and i wasn't too sure what to make of it, but it didn't hurt.

She also may not have much of her hymen left. The hymen erodes over time, especially if she's into certain sports like horseback riding or gymnastics, or uses tampons. This is normal!

Lots of foreplay will also minimize any discomfort she may have from first time intercourse.

We have a few articles here you two may want to read together;

Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist
First Intercourse 101
From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You might also want to have a look at this one: Yield for Pleasure!

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Namida
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I know about the erosion and stuff, but she'll never been very physical and she's never masturbated so it'll most likely be pretty intact

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And still the beds are burning, burning in our sleep.
Take me away from everything I see.

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Heather
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Well, if you two haven't yet been exploring each other's bodies with activities other than intercourse yet to be fairly familiar with her vulva already, it's a bit hasty to leap to intercourse.

In other words, since you can see the hymen right at the vaginal opening when it is present, if you've been engaging in things like manual sex or oral sex, you should have a pretty good idea about what the situation is in terms of that.

Too, unless she's very young, or one of the rarer women with a resilient hymen, it's likely some of her hymen has worn away already: even just vaginal fluids and menses and hormones do part of that job. And since it's very thin tissue without nerve endings of its own, when a woman is highly aroused, relaxed and very lubricated, for many, the hymen in and of itself being partilally present should not create a lot of pain.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Namida
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Well, she see's sex as just an expression of love, not a way to achieve pleasure. Touching etc is off limits

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And still the beds are burning, burning in our sleep.
Take me away from everything I see.

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ErinK
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quote:
Well, she see's sex as just an expression of love, not a way to achieve pleasure. Touching etc is off limits
That's an issue that she needs to address first, then. If she's not comfortable with being touched AT ALL, then she's not really ready for sexual intercourse.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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And touching is PART of sex.

Sounds to me like her expectations and understanding of what partnerd sex and intercourse are are really out of whack. For a majority of women, doing nothing BUT intercourse is certainly not going to feel like an expression of love if that's all that's going on: it's much more likely to feel like an obligation where your whole body as a whole person is being largely ignored, and it's also very likely to be pretty scary and painful coming at it that way.

So, sounds to me like it'd be a really great idea to pront all the articles that have been linked in this thread out for her, and to put the idea of intercourse - and other sex, if she's really that opposed -- on the shelf for a while until both of you can come to the whole thing more holistically and realistically.

I'd also suggest showing her these three as well: it might help make all of this make more sense, and give her a more realistic view:
10 of the Best Things You Can Do for Your Sexual Self (at Any Age)
Pink Parts - Female Sexual Anatomy
Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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