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Author Topic: Virginity advice
Marian
Neophyte
Member # 34339

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I am a virgin having conflicting feelings about having sex for the first time. Currently, my partner and I have been talking about having sex and he understands that I am not entirely ready, but, with my consent, he has been attempting to help me get over my fear by assuring me that it will feel good while we fool around. I think that I know why I am apprehensive about sex: I fear penetration. I believe that the first time will be painful and uncomfortable, and I have been putting off any kind of penetration.

You see, I don't use tampons, but a few years ago, I tried them and it was a horrible experience. Inserting felt strange; it wasn't in the right position, and so I had to take it out; taking it out was the worst sensation that I have ever felt (as if my cervix was going to be pulled out with the tampon); and afterwards, I became sick and dizzy from the anxiety of it all. Ever since then, I shrink away when my partners want to finger me or have sex with me.

With this partner, I do want to have sex. It is not something that I feel pressured into. I want it for myself, but I still feel nervous about my first time to the point that I do not feel that I can go through with it.

Finally, my question is this: do you have any advice that could allievate fear for my first time? What especially should I remember for my first time to diminish pain? I do masturbate, but I cannot find the courage to finger myself. I go so far, and then there is a point that the pressure of my figure in my vagina forces me to stop because I fear further penetration. Is there anything that I can do there that will help me finally get over this "penetration is bad" phobia?

[ 06-17-2007, 08:20 PM: Message edited by: Marian ]

Posts: 10 | From: Ohio | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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The thing is that penetration shouldn't hurt. It shouldn't be attempted until you are completely relaxed, aroused and lubricated. And if you've got all that covered, it won't hurt.

So, tampon insertion? Not something to go by. You were hardly relaxed and aroused when you tried that, so that was bound to be uncomfortable.

That said, if penetration freaks you out at this point? NO reason to go there. There's plenty of other sexual activities you and your partner can engage in.

And here's a couple of articles you and your partner should check out:
Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist
First Intercourse 101

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Marian
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Member # 34339

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This is another question that may sound strange. I recently saw the movie "Kinsey", and if you haven't seen it, there is a seen where Kinsey and his wife try to have sex for the first time, but she is in too much pain to continue. Later, they go to a gynocologist who says that her hyman has an unusual thickness that is preventing cleavage. Does anyone have any information about this? I mean, if anyone knows what may cause that, I would be interested in knowing.

[ 06-24-2007, 09:56 PM: Message edited by: Marian ]

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September
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There is type of hymen called an imperforate hymen, which usually requires surgical removal. However, since you've been menstruating just fine, you do not have that condition.

If you're worried, though, you can always make an appointment with your gyn and ask them if everything looks normal to them. Annual check-ups are a good idea once you've started menstruating, anyway, so now's a good time to get started.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Marian
Neophyte
Member # 34339

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Alright, I have to bring this up again.

Recently, we decided to try to have sex. Actually, we tried a few times. The first time we stopped because I wasn't comfortable with doing it at the time, and the second time we had to stop because I just couldn't get him in! We tried me on top and him on top. We had lots of lube, but he still wasn't fitting in. For one thing, he is rather large, and I can see where that would be a problem, but I am apparently just too tight. He says that if I can get used to penetration, then my muscles will relax, and I can see how that could be. I was a bit nervous, but I really wanted to have sex with him, I was aroused, and I felt that it was the right time, but am dissapointed that it didn't work out.

Is there anything more that I can do, besides getting my body more used to penetration, that will make the next try easier?

[ 08-22-2007, 11:31 AM: Message edited by: Marian ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, what's happening to GET you comfortable and relaxed?

Let's set aside the time you stopped because you didn't feel okay with it, because that's a sound reason to stop, and isn't indicative of any problem.

The time you DID want to and it didn't "work," did you two stop with the intercourse attempts and go back to other receptive sexual activity for you which you know you enjoy and that would increase your arousal, pleasure and comfort?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Marian
Neophyte
Member # 34339

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Yes, we did. But we did not retry our attempts. Before the initial go, we fooled around to the point that I was very close to, but we stopped before I could achieve, an orgasm. Also, while we were trying to "fit it in", he continued to stimulate my clitoris to relax me.

Afterwards, he wanted to see how far he could insert his finger into my vagina before it hurt. I don't know how deep he was, but at one point there was a bit of a pinch, and he said that it could possibly be my hymen. Considering that he's not and expert on the female anatomy, I don't know how trustworthy that diagnosis is.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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The hymen, when it is present, is RIGHT at the vaginal opening. It's not deep inside the vagina.

You know, it sounds to me like it might be a good idea for you to check in with your gynecologist. Since you're sexually active, you need to do that once each year regardless, but what you can also do while you're there is find out if there is a hymenal issue here at all, or any sort of issue per the vaginal pain and troubles you're having.

I'd also suggest that your partner work to BECOME an expert on female anatomy. You might want to help him out by pointing him here: Pink Parts - Female Sexual Anatomy

I presume you may have already seen these, but just in case you haven't, or your partner hasn't, here are these two articles as well: From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourseand Yield for Pleasure.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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