Donate Now
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » What Should We Do?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: What Should We Do?
Member # 29242

Icon 1 posted      Profile for ScarcelyHeard     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and two monthes. We've been having sex for two monthes, but have been active for six. I'm almost 18, and he just turned 20.

Two or three monthes before we started having sex, I had a few incidences where we had almost had sex, but I stopped him before it got too out of hand. Most of the time, he'd get depressed over the fact that he almost had sex with me without protection. After one incident that was scary close, I went on birth control. That was four monthes ago.

We see each other once or twice a week. We don't get intimate everytime we see each other... once in a while we do... but whenever we decide to get intimate, it gets out of hand again.

I talked to him about it. He says it feels like an instinct and that sometimes he can't control himself even though he wants to. He said he would try to be more considerate.

Instead of being more considerate, he started ignoring my needs. I talked to him about it again. We had a very long talk about it. He said he needs someone to guide him. He said that when he's relaxed is when he starts to lose control.

Next time we got together, which was last night, I was to try it. I didn't do too good of a job... I asked him a few times if he was okay, and he was himself, telling me that he was fine. Then he almost had sex with me again. I denied him. After a bit, he clued in what he was doing and stopped, so we just chillaxed a bit... started to watch a movie... we were both naked... "... don't you realize that we're both naked?"... yeah, but being naked doesn't phase me a bit... I was getting kind of bored of the movie so I rolled over and closed me eyes. Five minutes later he was at it again and ended up and tears.

I got nothing at all out of last night. I told him that I was not going to do anything for him if he was not going to smarten up and start doing things for me. I told him I'd talk to him about this tonight.

Back when we both started to get intimate, it was 50/50. I had never done anything with anybody else before, and I liked being with him like that. But the past few monthes have gotten out of hand, and I don't know whether to A) Give everything up completely or B) Set boundries (for example, no clothes come off). I get turned on too, so I find it a little bit difficult to give it up completely. I told him this already. I know though that I need to speak up, tell him that no means know and if he's messing with me to stop. I don't know whether to give that a go or not.

For the record, whenever we have the opportunity, it's not all we do. Yesterday was his birthday... we cuddled, he opened his presents, we watched a movie, and went out for dinner. We had privacy so in between B and C we got intimate. That's how it always is. We don't just get together to be intimate. He's my bestest friend, and I love doing other things with him as well.

Any advice?

Posts: 80 | From: Canada's East Coast | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1679

Icon 1 posted      Profile for KittenGoddess     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
He says it feels like an instinct and that sometimes he can't control himself even though he wants to.
To be brutally honest, this is complete horse pucky. Sexual arousal is in no way an overwhelming urge in humans that can't be denied. There's no good reason for anyone of any gender NOT to be able to control themselves in a sexual situation (unless they have certain mental issues or mental illnesses -- in which case, they should seek treatment).

If you've got any desire to or hope of salvaging this relationship, then it sounds like it's time to step back and assert some boundaries. In fact, it may be worthwhile to stop ALL forms of sexual activity for a few weeks or months at the very least. And if, after you have asserted your boundaries, he still feels like he can't control himself, then this is likely someone that it is not safe for you to be sexually active with. It is not your responsibility to be the "sex police", your partner should be able to control himself (or herself, were that your situation) and should WANT to do so.

We would say (and have said) the same thing to anyone reporting this situation. Being willing to take responsibility for ones own actions is cricial for folks in relationships. And saying that someone "just can't control themselves" really means that they have no desire to control themselves...which creates a very unsafe situation for you.

Sarah Liz

Posts: 7316 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 29242

Icon 1 posted      Profile for ScarcelyHeard     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I talked to him several more times since that day.

One... I'm in the process of finding someone who can talk to him. He's had other issues, mostly to do with his new job and his furture, and he agreed that if I found someone for him to talk to that he'd do it. I talked to a teacher, who also does counseling outside of school, and since my boyfriend doesn't want to talk to the teacher, the teacher is going to find someone for him to talk to, free of charge. I'm still waiting to see if he's found anyone.

I talked to him about how scared it made me of him. First he said that he would not do anything. When we got to talking about it on another occasion, he asked if I could give him another chance and if I'd forgive him. I said that I'd forgive him and that I wouldn't give him another chance until he talked to someone. I also told him how I am now scared to get close to him. He got pretty depressed and understood.

Tonight we went to a movie. He didn't do anything to make me feel uncomfortable... didn't reach for my hand like he always does or wrap his arm around my waist... it felt very weird... usually when we go to a movie, we both make a move to get rid of the armrest so we could cuddle. Neither of us went for it. I rested my head on his shoulder and he rested his head on mine. I moved the armrest and attempted to put my arm around him. He pulled my arm away and took my hand away. He reached for my hand instead.

We always cuddle when we go to a show, so it was a little awkward... but then again, it was nice... we played with each others fingers and had a laugh over that during the movie... he kissed me on the cheek, and he also held cupped my face with his hand on the way home, something he's never done before.

I'm a huge romantic, so this surprised me... we'll see how things go... he's probably going to end up at my house for the afternoon on Sunday... I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with it's cuddling... if it's cuddling like we did before we became intimate, I can go with that, but anything else, I know I am definately going to draw the line. I've told him how much it bothers me, and it's gotten to the point where if I have to remind him again, I will.

I already have some things planned for Sunday, so that should help.

He's a good kid... I want the old Justin back.

Posts: 80 | From: Canada's East Coast | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:

Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3

Search Scarleteen