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Author Topic: What's wrong with me?
bitttersweeeeeet
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I love my boyfriend. I know he loves me. We care about each other a lot and would not do anything to intentionally hurt the other.

We are faithful and I trust him dearly.

I was a virgin when I met him, he had lost his virginity to his ex-girlfriend at the age of 16.
She is the only one he had sex with and he has talked about how it was a mistake because it took over their relationship and it was just lust... the would do it like 4 times a day; that's all they did.

In comparison to that relationship, ours is very different. I lost my virginity to him almost a year ago and although sex has become increasingly more frequent it is all about the emotional connection for us. We love making love to each other.. it is passionate but it is not meaningless.

I have discussed this with him and time and time again he has assured me that I am the only one he thinks about, and the only one he chose to be with but for some reason I can't get the image of him having sex with someone else out of my head...
It bothers me that I wasn't his first, and I know we can't change that but like we'll be fooling around and he'll moan and I'll picture him moaning for someone else...? I know, it sounds really screwed up.

And then on top of that, even though I know for a fact he's not just around for that.. I get the idea in my head that he is.. For instance, we went out for lunch yesterday and both were feeling sick after, he was supposed to spend the night but since he was feeling so ill, he went home. I get it in my head that it is because we wouldn't have fooled around so it would be useless for him to stay..

When I vocalize this to him, I can see his frustration, even though he tries to be understanding.

I think part of it has to do with the fact that he is everything I want in a guy, especially when it comes to sharing intimate physical moments together and yet, the way I grew up.. Guys weren't supposed to be nice, guys weren't supposed to say nice things to girls or care about how they feel sexually or otherwise, guys are supposed to be selfish and just use girls for sex.. I know that isn't true now, he has showed me otherwise.. but yet even after a year later, I can't beleive it.

These thoughts are consuming me.. and it's driving me crazy.

I don't want to keep bothering him with it, I want to believe him.. I don't want to push him away because of my stupid insecurities and feelings of unworthiness.

Why can't I just believe and accept that this good thing is happening to me?

[ 10-03-2006, 03:02 PM: Message edited by: bitttersweeeeeet ]

Posts: 72 | From: Toronto, Ontario, Canada | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kitka
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Your insecurities are not stupid! [Smile] Everyone feels insecure at some point. The thing is learning how to deal with those feelings.

Sometimes it's tough for us to accept that someone (who's not related to us, especially) could find us terrifically appealing.

That's ok. It happens. The first thing you need to do is relax and remind yourself that you are (I'm looking into my crystal ball and viewing Toronto) a nice, intelligent, kind, good-looking lady.

Second, is there anything at all in your relationship that might make you feel this way?
Do you and your bf have a lot of sex and not do much else? Is he lacking in the compliment department? Does he not do little things to show you that he's thinking about you?

Vice versa, do you do (or not do) any of these things?

Sit down by yourself and evaluate where you think things feel wrong for you. Is there something your boyfriend's not doing that makes you feel insecure?

It's good that you discuss these things with your boyfriend. At the same time, you should make sure that you're not playing the "do you think I'm pretty?" game, which will be equally upsetting to you and him.

I am searching through my email inbox... a-ha!
I have just found an email from my brother to me on this very same subject. (btw, I'm almost 25, and I occasionally have felt insecure about my relationship.)

"one of the important functions of a boyfriend-girlfriend kind of relationship is validation. should people constantly need external validation? no. do people sometimes need it? absolutely. ... now, girls will play the "do you think i'm pretty?" game, or the "do you think i'm too fat?" variation, and there's no way to win it... but it's not at all wrong or selfish for you to ask for a little affirmation."

If you're concerned about spending quality time outside the sack, make plans. Go to a minor league baseball game, go fishing or hiking or go karting... that way you and he will make sure that you have lots to do besides having good sex, and you'll be able to satisfy each other's interests.

Spend time for yourself as well. It happens more often in young adult relationships (simply because you're probably going to school and drama club, not working 50 hours a week) - a couple can become so focused on each other that they start worrying when they're not together.

and yet, the way I grew up
Who told you that guys "weren't supposed to..." and so forth? If you were raised to believe that no guy was ever going to treat you with respect, then it stands to reason that you would worry. What's the deal here?

Ex situations are always thorny. Do you think you'd feel better if you asked your boyfriend about his ex in a casual setting? (ie, not right after sex, but during a neutral moment when, say, you're having lunch together at your house).

I felt pretty nervous about my boyfriend's exes until he told me why he wasn't with them any more. He was also very open in talking to me about his regular girl friends. Sometimes they call him up late at night for advice. That drove me bonkers until one of them met my boyfriend and I shortly after she called him, and I got to talk to her. It was amazing to see my boyfriend in thoughtful-concerned-put-others-first mode.

Realize that he's with you because he wants to be with you. If he was interested in being with with a tall brunette from Alberta, he wouldn't be chasing after you. How do I know this? Because I can see (through my crystal ball) that you're not a tall brunette from Alberta!

A year long relationship is a pretty good indicator that something is going right at this particular moment in time and space. Just run with it and have fun. Everybody has these doubts at times, especially when we're younger, or just starting out in a new relationship.

Focus on the positive things and make sure that your relationship is working for you (and him).
If you have to remind yourself every day for a whole week that you're the right person for him, then do that.

Posts: 455 | From: New York, NY | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bitttersweeeeeet
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Thank you for the reply, Kitka.

I have done a lot of thinking since I posted and I really appreciate the time you took to answer my worries so wholeheartedly.

I also talked more with my boyfriend about it, I mentioned that I posted on here.. and even shared your reply with him and we talked about how I felt some more.

I can see it getting better eventually.

Who told you that guys "weren't supposed to..." and so forth? If you were raised to believe that no guy was ever going to treat you with respect, then it stands to reason that you would worry. What's the deal here?

My parents marriage has never been a good one. They are still together because divorce is agianst our church, but they are not happy and have never been. I have never seen any affection between them. Neither of them seem to regard the other's feelings either. Moreover, although my communication with both my parents is pretty open they both have this mind set that boys only want sex. Nothing else. A lot of their marrital problems are blamed on me and oftentimes I have been told that no one could ever love or want me. Now, I'm 19 years old and after hearing it my whole life it's hard to believe someone does. Nowadays, I think its a form of bullying.. they make me feel so horrible about myself and then tell me they're the only ones who are there for me and the only ones who care. They say that they tell me the truth about myself, and open my eyes to the negativities I won't admit.. and the re-assure me it won't be long until my boyfriend admits to all my fautls as well.

On top of that.. I grew up in a sort of shady area with some not-so-nice friends. I hung out with primarily boys growing up & they had absolutely no respect for the female species. I saw them threw all their relationships and such and listened to the way they would regard things.. ie. Guys don't love girls, they compliment them to get sex, sex is just for the guy, the girl is merely a sex slave, girls go down on guys but guys don't go down on girls cause its gross and you are what you eat, guys don't care about a girl or her feelings or her pleasure or anything...

And like, I kinda know that this is all untrue.. and just a messed up view of things but yet, as I said, it consumes me and interferes with my acceptance of the relationship.

It's like, its what I've been brought up with and I can't figure out what's what..

A year long relationship is a pretty good indicator that something is going right at this particular moment in time and space. Just run with it and have fun. Everybody has these doubts at times, especially when we're younger, or just starting out in a new relationship.

In regards to that.. it sparked something for me that I've been thinking about actually since our 1 year anniversary.. for some reason.. the better things get, the longer we stay together, the happier we are - the more I panic.. when ideally, shouldn't I be getting more comfortable? It's like I'm so comfortable.. I'm scared.

Wow.. what a long reply... [Roll Eyes] Sorry.. It just feels good to finally be getting this off my chest and feeling like I am making improvements.

Posts: 72 | From: Toronto, Ontario, Canada | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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