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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » is it love or friendship?

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Author Topic: is it love or friendship?
confused n georgia
Neophyte
Member # 30745

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I think i am in love with my best friend. I think of her all of the time. I buy her everything she ever tells me she wants. If i cant be with her it makes me so scared. When she talks of men it makes me angry. Im afraid to tell her how i feel about her even though we've almost kissed once or twice. Really thats the one thing that bothers me. I want to kiss her. I want to know how that feels. I am married and so is she. So i am so confused. Am i a lesbian or just a good friend to her?
Posts: 5 | From: dayton | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Being lesbian tends to mean feeling an attraction to women in general. Are you feeling attracted to other women besides her? if not, it's a leap to think you might be lesbian.

Lesbian or not, I'm hearing some unhealthy stuff going on here. Feeling deep anger when someone talks of men on your part, feeling obligated to buy a friend all she desires: these aren't healthy dynamics. None of these things are about healthy good friendship or love. They're dysfunction.

As well, do the two of you have monogamy agreements with your husbands? if so, you'll want to look at what's going on with each of your relationships there.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
confused n georgia
Neophyte
Member # 30745

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I am faithful to my husband but we are seperated. He still lives with me for our child. She lives with her husband but is in it for the same reason. It's not just her that i buy things for. That's how i show love to a person. I think thats how to make people. I do feel more attracted to females than males i always have. I need her friendship so i dont think i should tell her. Im not sure how she would react. It scares me to think that she might have the same feelings for me. I dont think i could ever go thru with the sex part with a woman but i would like to know how it feels to kiss her. Just her though. Thanks for responding to my question.
Posts: 5 | From: dayton | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Going to be hard to feel the love when you're filing for bankruptcy, gal, or can't pay your kid's healthcare bills!

Might I suggest trying to develop new interpersonal habits in this regard? At the very least, how about MAKING gifts? And being sure you're not doing that to feel you need to earn a person's love of friendship?

After all, if we buy our friends, our friendships are likely to be just as superfifical as objects.

If you want to keep a friendship a friendship only, then absolutely, it's best not to romantically kiss a friend.

Per questions with your orientation, it might be best all around if you explored those via non-sexual community at first instead? It tends to be.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
confused n georgia
Neophyte
Member # 30745

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I wanted to say thank you for your response. Im not sure what i will do but i thank you from the bottom of my heart for trying to help. Not many people take the time anymore to listen to other peoples promblems.
Posts: 5 | From: dayton | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Hey, you're welcome. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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