I thought maybe in this forum I'd get more responses:
I've been trying to figure out why even though I always feel like I want to have sex I sort of freeze up between 1st and 2nd base and don't. Also I really don't want to, you know, get to know someone well and then have to communicate to him that I'm somewhat nervous about his genitals. Do you guys here at Scarleteen buy the idea of penis phobia? I read something about it online. My feelings change a lot. I'm ok looking at pictures, and genital-genital contact. Often seeing a live penis and/or the action/idea of touching one with hand or mouth makes me kind of anxious. I guess that means I have trouble seeing it as part of a person. Does that sound like a phobia?
Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2006
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I don't know if it's necessarily a phobia-- I would probably say that it's just anxiety. I think it is normal to be anxious about certain types of sexual contact, especially if you've never had that type before.
Part of being sexually active does involve communication, so I think that being able to say "I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with genital contact yet" or "I feel nervous about touching you" is something that you should be able to say to a partner and something that a partner should be able to respect. If you can say those things and have them respected, it may go a long way towards relieving the anxiety and making you feel more comfortable.
Posts: 3077 | Registered: Sep 2000
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Once again, I appreciate the response. But ahh this issue is driving me crazy.
I feel like a critical part of what worries me here though, is I've been with a couple of nice people, who are really good at making me happy physically. However, I seem to be lacking that urge girls stereotypically have, where they're all worried about pleasing their partner. It makes me feel selfish -like I'll be totally enjoying myself, but I still don't know how to get over my anxiety to reciprocate. Maybe you don't call it selfishness when anxiety plays a big role, but that doesn't make me seem any more attractive. I really just want to be comfortable, and to get over that fear that I'll disappoint and then stuff will get really awkward, b/c I think maybe that's part of the problem. Ugh, I really don't feel very in control of my own actions, and I really hate feeling that way. And I know in hindsite I've acted selfishly on a few occasions, and ruined chances for a good time all around. I understand how communication could be important, but communication is even harder for me. When I try I get flustered easily and then just wind up more anxious than before. I can't seem to talk about anything personal to someone I like, even emotions. I'm probably more open with people I don't know. Even if it was to communicate that I'm "not ready" for something (whatever that really means) or that I /am/ ready for something, I'm not in control enough to do that -I just become incoherent. Even if you take away the embarassment factor, I think it's sort of like my brain just stops functioning at its normal speed. I know some people wind up at like 30 or 40 always having been alone, so I really think a more proactive approach is needed on my part to avoid that. I want to find a way to fight my fears, not just hope they'll eventually go away. I have friends, some of whom have had much worse relationships than me, who still have much less anxiety, so I don't understand it.
I really don't see this as just "not being ready" because probably every step I've taken towards the opposite sex in the past 7 years has involved overcoming a lot of anxiety, from having my first dance, having my first date, first kiss, etc. And this was all stuff I really wanted to do. I'm super-confident (for a girl) at everything else I do in life, which makes it even harder on me to have trouble in this one area. Do you have any psychological insights, or anything? Should I seek counseling? I hate living like this. Maybe no one at Scarleteen is expert on the psychology of these things. Maybe I do need counseling...
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