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Author Topic: was this my fault
Member # 6929

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Thanks for taking the time to read this. I don't know where else to put this out there.

I met someone (I'll call him P) at a club a few nights ago, and I liked the way he danced so I gave him my number. We texted/chatted a few times and made plans to meet at another club. My friends and I got to the club, and he met us there. My friend, the guy she was with, and I wanted to go to P's place with his friends afterward to chill, but his friends weren't comfortable with a strange guy coming over.

My friend and I agreed that we would go our separate ways, with a promise to text and call each other to check up throughout the night. P and I drove to his place in my car, so that I could leave anytime I wanted.

Neither I nor my friend were drinking.

To be straight I went to his place expecting to sleep with him. That's what I wanted. What I didn't want is to be left alone in the bedroom after having sex while he "went to the bathroom" only to be joined by first his friend who clearly expected sex also. I was so confused and kind of scared, plus to be honest I barely knew P at all so I couldn't be sure he hadn't just changed his shirt. Then his other friend came in after the second friend. By this time I didn't know what to do at all. I didn't know where P had gone and I didn't feel like I could just up and go. So I let all three of them have sex with me, even though I told them it hurt but they kept going anyway. I woke up the next day and couldn't walk without pain. Plus I had a tampon in when they did it and it became so wedged in, I had to have a doctor remove it.

I didn't want to tell my friend what really happened because she would feel guilty, and I feel really stupid and passive for letting it happen. I consider myself pretty street smart. I am not naive. I thought I took precautions. But clearly my judgement was off and I don't know how to resolve this for myself.

I know I put myself into this situation. But I need to know if it's something I have a right to be upset about.

Posts: 40 | From: Minneapolis | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Of course you have a right to be upset.

For starters, if this guy was pretty adamant about not wanting other people over, it sounds possible that some part of this may have been planned/intended in advance. And of course, consenting to sex with one person doesn't mean it's reasonable to expect consent from that person to have sex with everyone you know. Not asking you about this, to boot, is yet one more serious infraction.

And suffice it to say, it's also reasonable to be disappointed in, and upset with, yourself for not leaving when you wanted to, and consenting to sex when it is not what you wanted. It's reasonable to have concerns about your character judgment: it's a scary thing when you experience it being really off.

But it happens, shh, to most of us at one time or another. Sometimes, people are really good with a facade or with playing us. Sometimes, we do just see what we want to.

Per your title question, what choices you made are your choices you're responsible for, yes. But it's certainly not your fault the way this got set up: you didn't do that. These guys did.

I hope you have some friend you can talk to, because it sounds like you need some extra emotional support. On a practcial side, please also do schedule a full STI screening for about a month from now to take care of your body per all of this. And I may be stating the obvious, but clearly seeing this guy again isn't a good idea.

One last thing I'd suggest: if you're going to engage in casual sex, you're going to need to be prepared to draw a lot of lines and be able to set and enforce your boundaries really well. casual sex scenarios just aren't a safe place to be passive or feel unable to assert yourself, even if you're thown a big curve. So, I'd suggest evaluating for yourself, for the future, if all of that is really stuff you're up for. If it's not, it may be better for you to take a longer time to get to know someone (and in better environments for communication than a club and text messages) before heading home with them.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 6929

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Thanks for your perspective. I know I'm trying to compensate for something by taking these risks with my body, and I need to step back while I figure it out.
Last summer there was another incident which was much more scary and out of my hands, but when I've told people about it, the responses I get are quite judgmental, especially regarding the way I reacted in the situation.
So I appreciate your help here, given that this most recent incident certainly does merit some judgement.

Posts: 40 | From: Minneapolis | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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