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Author Topic: bad sex
MusicIs4Evry1
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I hadn't had sex in about 2 years. The guy I lost my virginity came to my house and we "attempted" to have intercourse. The fact that we didn't have protection was one of the issues. But I felt like I was fumbiling around and was unable to do the things he expected. I was embarressed. It's like since that first time we were together everytime after that (2 times) it's horrible! Is there a way to stop having "bad sex"?
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You know, a bit of fumbling when anyone, of any age, is with a new partner is generally a bit of a given (and if you're with a partner who doesn't find a way to laugh with you about that, abd be human about it, it's worth considering if that's a good sexual partner to be with period). But it sounds like it kinda threw you off track, so how about having a talk about it?

For instance, opening with something like, "Hey, ever since that first time we had sex, I feel like a bit of a klutz! Can we talk about what we both want and like here so I can get my groove back?"

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000
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what if they tell you and you still can't do it? what if it's like the 3rd time you've tried? what's reasonable, before it just becomes difficult to remain attracted to the person?
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MusicIs4Evry1
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That's kinda the way I feel about it too, iheartdc. I understand about having the discussion and maybe he's not the partner I should have. But will I have this issue with everyone? My friend said "practice makes perfect", but how can I "practice"? Wouldn't that make a lose girl?
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DarkChild717
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Nope. (We actually frown upon things like "loose" here, because frankly, they're a double standard and don't do anyone any good. [Smile] )

Practice to find out what does it for you is fairly easy: you've got your two hands. Masturbation is a way to find out how your body works, how it responds, and what you like.

When you're with a partner, this involves communication. Telling them what you want and listening when they say what they want. Make sense?

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Heather
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Thing is, your friend is only half right.

I was just talking the other day with a blogger at the All Girl Army about a similar issue, and about, actually, one of the sometimes-disappointments with adult sex with new partners being people coming to sex feeling like they know how to "do" everything.

Because with a new partner? No one DOES, since we all don't like the same things, we all don't have the same areas of sensitivity, etc. So, while "practice" can "make perfect" in terms of making one feel more comfortable per being sexual with other people, per accepting that when things are new, things are new, no one can learn how to be with/please everyone by being with a few people, or even a few hundred people.

But one thing to bear in mind is that sometimes that awkwardness happens when you just aren't really experiencing sexual chemistry with someone. There are people we might like a lot, might find very physically attracted to, but just not have that really intense ZING! with when it comes to a sexual relationship. Are you feeling it when you're just kissing, for instance? When you hold hands with that person? When you're just near to them? If not, you just may not have any real chemistry, which tends to be kinda necessary, and it's not usually something you can make happen: it's usually either there or it isn't. When it's not, best to have a platonic relationship.

Too, if after a few times, you and your partner don't seem to be able to sexually communicate, to roll with the awkwardness and have a good time anyway? Again, another indicator that that just may not be the right kind of partnership for you two.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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dailicious
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MusicIs4Evry1 - there is no such thing as "tight" or "loose"

The vagina is a muscle, it can stretch and widen when a woman is aroused, but will go back to its same size after the fact. Think of it like your mouth - when you open your mouth really wide, it never stays that way, does it? Nope! It goes back to its normal size when you close it. Your vagina is the same.

By PRACTICE, what is more important is COMMUNICATION and undertsanding that it may be a bit awkward until you become more comfortable with your own body and with your partner's and how they work together.

It could take a dozen times before you start getting the hang of something, and if you're in a long relationship? A number of couples I'd bet find that the MORE communication builds up and the MORE they've been together and are used to their bodies together, the more comfortable/enjoyable/etc. sexual activity is because they understand eachother better and how to communicate what is desired between them.

(Mindmeld!)

[ 08-09-2006, 12:57 PM: Message edited by: dailicious ]

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Jean
aka dailicious
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MusicIs4Evry1
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I've never thought of masturbation as an option. But I might need to consider it. (kinda a scary thought though).

Now that I think of it, I guess there wasn't really sexual chemistry between us. Maybe it was the fact that we did it before so "why can't we do it now."

I will work on my communication to stop the awkwardness.

dailicious
"MusicIs4Evry1 - there is no such thing as "tight" or "loose"..."
I'm not exactly sure what that bit of advice was for.

[ 08-09-2006, 02:08 PM: Message edited by: MusicIs4Evry1 ]

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dailicious
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It was just in response to

quote:
My friend said "practice makes perfect", but how can I "practice"? Wouldn't that make a lose girl?
Though I may have misinterpreted what you were trying to say, and DarkChild may have addressed it better?

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Jean
aka dailicious
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000
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I still don't know about this "you have chemistry or you don't" thing and how it would apply to me. Sometimes someone will kiss me or we'll dance or they'll put their hand on me a certain way or else I'll just be in a certain mood and I'll think I really want to have sex with a given person, but then at another time I don't really want anything to do with them. Sometimes there are people I think are very, very attractive and I want to be near them a lot, but most of the people I get to date just make me feel *yawn*. If attraction is largely chemical, then isn't it possible someone could have "bad genetics" or something, like their pheromones (sp?) just don't mix well with other people's? What % of people do you think are over 20 before they have their first serious relationship that lasts more than 1-2 months?
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Heather
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Two things:

1) Strong chemistry is NOT something that happens every day. It's a rarity. So, it's not abnormal not to experience it save rarely, and to have handfuls of dates before you do with someone.

2) Sometimes it's hard to separate general desires for companionship, sexual companionship, general physical affection and the lot from very specific attraction to a specific person.

I don't but that attraction is largely chemical. I think that's part of it, but I also think it's interpersonal, I think it involves how we feel about ourselves at a given time, how that person is, how we communicate and connect, what we each want, a world of factors. So, no, I've never seen anything to suggest that someone has some genetic code or malfunction responsible for not feeling sexual chemistry. I think your expectations are just a bit high here.

Per your last question, most young adult relationships, the majority, last a maximum of about six months. That being an average, there are people who have a ton that last a few weeks, and others who have them for years, but on average, it's totally normal at this phase of life to have much shorter relationships (of course, you also have to bear in mind that counting something as a capital R-relationship from meeting or date one is a bit flawed).

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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