Well hon, you say you hate it but yet you want it. So do you like the idea of sex but simply hate the fact that it hurts you physically or are you just having sex for the sake of it?
Sounds easy enough to answer but I think these are questions you should think about.
Because if you are having sex for the sake of it, you should realise that it is your body and the decision to have sex is yours alone and you should be really sure of that decision before indulging in any sexual activity.
It really makes a difference whether you want to have sex in the first place or not. Sex is not simply about the physical but about the mental and emotional as well. As we like to say at Scarleteen, your brain is the biggest sex organ and probably the most important one as well.
The main point here is simply don't do anything you are not comfortable with.
The tears you mention are probably a case of insufficient lubrication. If you were not aroused enough during sexual activity, you would not have produced sufficient lubrication which might have produced the tears during penetration.
Abstain from sexual activity for a while to let the tears heal and in the future, keep a bottle of water based lube and condoms at hand. They really make sex much more comfortable and not to mention safer.
Here are a few articles for you to read through. Have a thought about your feelings towards sex and hopefully it all works out for you.
Sex Readiness Checklist
First Intercourse 101
Safe, Sound and Sexy
What IS sex, anyway?