Okay, this is probably going to be a cathartic rant. Warning, long.
My body is fucked up and I hate it.
When I was 13, I was put in the medical history books as the youngest person to have to have a tumor removed from her breast. My claim to fame, I guess. This has left me with a large scar along my nipple, which actually pulls it into a different shape than my other one. It may have affected my ability to someday produce milk .. and it throbs randomly with pain, which is about the only feeling I have in that breast. I'm older now and my breasts have, naturally, grown. But now, when I do self-examinations, I can't tell if there's another lump in my breasts or if they just feel the way they do because I'm compressing what's in them.
It's scary. It really is. I have nightmares where someone cuts off my breasts and leaves me bleeding, and wake up with throbbing in both my breasts. I suppose that's just a manifestation of my fears.
That's not all. My ovaries produce cists instead of eggs, most of the time. This is part of a condition I have - Cistic Ovarian Syndrome (or COS) - which I apparently inherited from my great-grandfather's father. Most of the women on that side of my family have tumors; hell, my mother had to have her abdominal cavity scraped clean, and then a complete historectomy, because of them.
Chances are I won't have children, because of the COS. I can't really describe how depressed I was when I found out.
My ovaries used to fire off cists, and some ovum, often - so often that I had to be put on a birth control pill so I would be on my period all the time, which i had been for a few months. Unfortunately, my (now ex-)doctor didn't listen when we asked him to give me one that didn't contain estrogen.
Note: Tricyclen contains estrogen!
Now, thanks to those happy little pills, my body produces too much estrogen - it got used to it, and when I went off the pills because I was getting horribly sick, it started producing more than usual. And NOT producing progesterone, which is what triggers your estrogen production to reduce, which in turn triggers your ovaries to produce an ovum.
So, now I take different happy little pills every three months I don't have a normal period: medroxyprogesterone, which, as you'll note, is a sort of synthetic (or animal-produced, more likely) progesterone. And then I have my period. The period my uterus has been preparing for for three months. Before, I didn't really have cramps or nausea. Now, I can barely move. And the PMS makes me truly terrible to be around.
One of COS's lovely side-effects is, similar to diabetes, messing with your blood-sugar and insulin levels. This, as my gyneocologist informs me, "makes it easy to become overweight, and difficult to lose weight." Not being particularly sportive-minded, I've been a living example of this since puberty began.
All this depresses me, angers me, terrifies me. It feels like my body is against me. I've survived some scary stuff - car crashes, drownings, bleeding ulcers - and even my birth was considered somewhat special by my family since my mother should not have been able to have me, due to her own messed up innards. So, if this is natural selections way of taking me out of the game, why bother letting me live at all?
Sorry. I know that the last thing I should be doing about any of this is going "oh, woe is me, my life sucks" but it just GETS to me.
"You have no voice
To be heard, my son
No one can hear
When you're Screaming In Digital."