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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Tumors, Cistic Ovarian Syndrome, and other crap

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Author Topic: Tumors, Cistic Ovarian Syndrome, and other crap
goldengreeny Queeny
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Member # 4807

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Okay, this is probably going to be a cathartic rant. Warning, long.

My body is fucked up and I hate it.

When I was 13, I was put in the medical history books as the youngest person to have to have a tumor removed from her breast. My claim to fame, I guess. This has left me with a large scar along my nipple, which actually pulls it into a different shape than my other one. It may have affected my ability to someday produce milk .. and it throbs randomly with pain, which is about the only feeling I have in that breast. I'm older now and my breasts have, naturally, grown. But now, when I do self-examinations, I can't tell if there's another lump in my breasts or if they just feel the way they do because I'm compressing what's in them.

It's scary. It really is. I have nightmares where someone cuts off my breasts and leaves me bleeding, and wake up with throbbing in both my breasts. I suppose that's just a manifestation of my fears.

That's not all. My ovaries produce cists instead of eggs, most of the time. This is part of a condition I have - Cistic Ovarian Syndrome (or COS) - which I apparently inherited from my great-grandfather's father. Most of the women on that side of my family have tumors; hell, my mother had to have her abdominal cavity scraped clean, and then a complete historectomy, because of them.

Chances are I won't have children, because of the COS. I can't really describe how depressed I was when I found out.

My ovaries used to fire off cists, and some ovum, often - so often that I had to be put on a birth control pill so I would be on my period all the time, which i had been for a few months. Unfortunately, my (now ex-)doctor didn't listen when we asked him to give me one that didn't contain estrogen.

Note: Tricyclen contains estrogen!

Now, thanks to those happy little pills, my body produces too much estrogen - it got used to it, and when I went off the pills because I was getting horribly sick, it started producing more than usual. And NOT producing progesterone, which is what triggers your estrogen production to reduce, which in turn triggers your ovaries to produce an ovum.

So, now I take different happy little pills every three months I don't have a normal period: medroxyprogesterone, which, as you'll note, is a sort of synthetic (or animal-produced, more likely) progesterone. And then I have my period. The period my uterus has been preparing for for three months. Before, I didn't really have cramps or nausea. Now, I can barely move. And the PMS makes me truly terrible to be around.

One of COS's lovely side-effects is, similar to diabetes, messing with your blood-sugar and insulin levels. This, as my gyneocologist informs me, "makes it easy to become overweight, and difficult to lose weight." Not being particularly sportive-minded, I've been a living example of this since puberty began.

All this depresses me, angers me, terrifies me. It feels like my body is against me. I've survived some scary stuff - car crashes, drownings, bleeding ulcers - and even my birth was considered somewhat special by my family since my mother should not have been able to have me, due to her own messed up innards. So, if this is natural selections way of taking me out of the game, why bother letting me live at all?

*sigh*

Sorry. I know that the last thing I should be doing about any of this is going "oh, woe is me, my life sucks" but it just GETS to me.

Steel Queen

"You have no voice
To be heard, my son
No one can hear
When you're Screaming In Digital."


Posts: 14 | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lemming
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 33

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Hey there.

Although I'm having my doubts about who "they" and what the "medical history books" are, you seem pretty well educated on your condition(s) and so I'm just going to throw this out there - I don't assume you have any reason to make this up.

This sounds like a perfectly normal reaction. You're pissed off at your body and the hassles it's putting you through, you're annoyed with your diagnoses and the meds and the side effects and all the CRAP. You OUGHT to be frustrated and worn down and sick of it. If you weren't, I'd worry! This is a healthy reaction!

quote:
Sorry. I know that the last thing I should be doing about any of this is going "oh, woe is me, my life sucks" but it just GETS to me.

(I bet it DOES get to you! You have the right to feel mad about all this. What I'm saying is, no one's going to think you're a freak here for acting this way.)

If I can float a little advice on this, it sounds like maybe seeing a therapist could be a really good release for you. It's nice to have someone neutral to talk to about this sort of thing, who you can rant at and who can help you deal a bit. I know it helped me to go in just once a week and cry and scream and talk about myself to someone who wouldn't interrupt or make value judgments. Have you thought about this?

In the meantime, you seem like someone who can express herself pretty darn well through writing. You thought of channeling this? Maybe making an online diary or a dead-tree one, writing letters to your body parts, heck, writing totally unrelated stuff to give yourself something positive to focus on?

Anyway, I just wanted to throw those suggestions out there, but I want you to know, too, that you can feel free to post on ST about this. We're all willing to "listen" and rant and share advice.

Hope this helps a little.

------------------
~lemming, Scarleteen Advocate

this is what you get for liking it.
"Sebastian, you're in a mess, you had a dream they called you king of all the hipsters - is it true or are you still the queen?" --Belle and Sebastian, "Put The Book Back On The Shelf"


Posts: 3156 | From: Austin, Texas | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kythryne
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5460

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I'm really sorry to hear about everything you've been through. I've had fibromyalgia (a chronic illness which causes a lot of pain and fatigue) since I was in my late teens, so I know what it's like to have a body that seems to be falling apart at every turn.

I've always found venting to be helpful -- I hope writing it all out helped you a bit.

We have a topic about PCOS going over in Body and Soul, which you're welcome to check out: http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/001093.html

And also, you might like to read through some of the topics in the Support Groups forum. We have several topics about coping with stress and depression, which you might find helpful.

Kyth

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Kythryne Aisling
Scarleteen Advocate

"The only unnatural sexual act is that which you cannot perform."
-- Alfred Kinsey


Posts: 1685 | From: New York City | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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