So I'm new here and I am a transmale pre op and I am still in highschool and unfortuanately I can't transition right know because my family is unaccepting so I have to wait another year. But anyways lately I have been really sexually fustrated, I mean sex is everywhere, everywhere you look in music, T.V even around school and social media and I feel like because I'm trans I can never fufill a normal sex life, I mean sex is kinda of important and I'm a heterosexual male and wanna please any girl I'm with how she should be pleased wheather in the bed or out of the bed and it bothers me that I can't in my oppinion do it the way I would like I mean I hear how some guys leave binders on or just don't bother at all, Well I'd like to be able to take my clothes off but because of how my body appears I don't want to, I can't even look at heterosexual porn or even pics or the little ads that they have on the side without getting pissed off and dysphoric, Sometimes I can't even please myself. And since I tend to fall for straight woman it makes it much harder even though I have found a straight girl who accepts me as male despite that but idk Iworry alot about sex and even using prosthetics I'm not realky getting anything out of that I just wish I was normal so I could do things the normal way......
Posts: 1 | Registered: Mar 2014
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You're right that sex, and how the men and women having it are supposed to look and act, is super ubiquitous. And it sounds like that ubiquity is linking with dysphoria in some sucky ways. One thing you might find helpful, if you haven't looked into it already, is to try to join in with some trans guy communities, either online in IRL. You may find it helps you to talk to other folks who've experienced similar feelings, and who may have some thoughts or tips on dealing with them.
I do want to address your worries around being able to have satisfying sex with your straight, cis (I'm assuming) partner (or future partners). We try not to discuss our personal lives when we volunteer here, but in this instance I think it's relevant. My partner (who is a trans man)and I met in high school, when he was pre-everything (no surgeries, no testosterone). And the physical side of our relationship was quite gratifying for both of us. So being trans does not mean that you will never be able to please a partner.
At the same time, it's a good idea to prep yourself for the fact that there is likely to be a learning curve for sex, although that ultimately is more about your experience level than your being trans (although I don't want to downplay the effects that might have on the specific challenges you might face). All the standard advice about communicating, about taking your time, about experimenting when it comes to sex? Still holds true,, and is going to be really important when it comes to navigating any dysphoria that comes up. And I do want to stress patience, both for you and your partner. When my partner and I were first getting physically intimate with each other, there were many, many instances of "whoop, nope, that thing we did last week is setting off dysphoria bells today so lets stop and recalibrate." Those moments could be frustrating, but it was ultimately way better for our overall pleasure to acknowledge them.
I do want to ask, have you spoken to your current girlfriend about your feelings around sex?
Posts: 1292 | Registered: Aug 2013
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Navigating sexual relationships as a trans person can be pretty tough, it's true. But it certainly is possible to have satisfying sexual relationships! I'm a trans guy who's had varying levels of dysphoria that interferes with sex; there have been times when I really didn't want to be touched much at all, or when types of sex I used to enjoy started to set off really unpleasant feelings and had to be avoided for a while. But I've also had some great sexual experiences!
I've found that being able to talk openly and honestly with a partner about how I'm feeling in the moment has been the best way to make sure sex is enjoyable for both of us. As Sam said above, sometimes acknowledging those dysphoric feelings can be really frustrating, but ultimately it's better to do so than to try to ignore them. And by talking through those feelings you can eventually learn about what sorts of things tend to feel good to you or work out well. Even if sometimes you just don't want to have sex at all because it's too frustrating or dysphoria-inducing, it's ok to step back from it for a bit, or to take the focus off of your own body for a while.
Sometimes I have to get creative or do things differently than most cis men probably do, but I don't feel like it makes me have a worse sex life, or that my partners are unhappy. One thing I want to note here, too, is that the picture of sexuality/relationships seen in a lot of mainstream media doesn't accurately reflect how diverse the sex lives of heterosexual cis folks can be. It's a false "normal" that probably doesn't line up with the desires and expectations many folks have.
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