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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Gender Issues » Pseudo Penis? Wish I were a guy,,, complicated.

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Author Topic: Pseudo Penis? Wish I were a guy,,, complicated.
featherfrost
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OK, here's the dish: I'm eighteen, married, I've only had one partner (my husband), and I'm very aware that I am bi-sexual but in particular I am queer about sex. I like both genders for various reasons, but when it comes to sex, I always pictured myself as a male. So much so that I dreamed of taking my best female friend's virginity.

Now that I'm married the window for sexual experimentation has closed, but suddenly I am very aware that if I had male genitalia I would feel infinitely more at home with my body. I don't like being the female in bed- it's icky. I do orgasm, it does feel good. Blowjobs and sex in general for a female is pretty uncomfortable though, especially since I never felt comfortable as a woman.

Recently, I was so aroused that I felt the need to masturbate, but instead of being a lady, I (fully clothed) wrapped my hand around an imaginary penis and jacked it- and I got off!! with no other stimulation, in mere seconds! Is there something wrong with me? Why do I feel such an incredible urge to be the pitcher? My husband is completely firm about the no anal rule, for valid medical and emotional reasons... I feel very alienated.

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Young, but in touch with what I want and where I've been!

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Heather
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Just so you know, in case you don't, some married people elect to have that relationship be open or polyamorous. marriage, all by itself, doesn't have to mean monogamy if the people involved don't want it to.

Perhaps obviously, there's also not a universal thing that is "being the female in bed." In other words, all kinds of women, or all kinds of people with a vulva and breasts, who may or may not identify as women, have very varied sex lives. There's no one universal way of being sexual or having a sex life for that one gender or sex.

I don't see anything wrong with you here: there's nothing wrong with any of us having whatever gender identity or feelings about our gender, or bodies, that we do. If it feels good to you to masturbate imagining you have a penis -- or to do so with a strap-on -- and you feel sexual desires to engage in sex with partners with a penis or prosthetic, that's okay.

Can I ask how discussions about all of this have gone with your spouse? I hear that, as most people do, he has some things he doesn't want to do sexually his partner (you) does. But might there be some other things you want to do he ALSO wants to do or might be willing to try to see if he likes, things that do speak to the way you are feeling around gender?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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featherfrost
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He and I both feel that marriage means monogamy by definition, and we're comfortable with that definition; neither of us desire a third partner.

He and I have discussed what we like in bed, which is pretty much what feels comfortable and doable at the time- I have endometriosis and he is paralyzed from his knees down, so he and I are often in quite a lot of pain in even simple positions.

Occasionally I'll have him tie me up or treat me like a slave/servant, and once I was even a dog for him, but I'm not comfortable ordering him around and he doesn't especially get off from being bound.

Once he told me he wanted me to be dominant; what I didn't understand was that he wanted me to voice my wants and needs in bed, not necessarily to be controlling in bed. What made sense in my mind was I should be the topper or pitcher, because even before I had any sexual experiences, I believed I should be the guy.

I explained as much and he sympathizes with me, but we tried anal once and he just wasn't at rest with the idea. That's all I really want: anal. It's pretty frustrating.

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Young, but in touch with what I want and where I've been!

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Heather
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Okay, thanks for filling me in. Hopefully it's obvious I was suggesting the things I was just to be sure you knew they were options. [Smile]

Obviously, if you are choosing to be monogamous with someone who cannot do or does not want to do something you want to do sexually, that's just the way it goes: it's not going to be something you can do. So, what do you think you want to do about that? Obviously, you will have to let that go for the most part, but might you also want to think about what you are looking for in that activity, and then get creative and see what the two of you might come up with as alternatives that might meet some of those wants?

Again, I do want to be sure we're clear there just is no such thing as "the guy" in bed and what "the guy" does. There can be what YOU feel you may want to do to express masculinity in bed, or what others feel does that for them or partners, but, as an example, topping is something that isn't about men or gender in any universal way. Plenty of guys or men aren't into that and don't feel that would express their unique masculinity well.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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featherfrost
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The only way I can describe what I feel as far as anal is that It's the most "right" thing for me. It's not the act, it's the fact that I feel like I should have a penis. I wish I could feel all the sensations that men can feel, rather than my relatively senseless vagina.

Nope, I can't feel an alternative here... It's weird to describe. I guess the best way for me to put it is that I'm -missing- a part of me. I feel super insecure as a woman, and uncomfortable around other women because I can't relate to them at all. I don't dress like them, I don't act like them, ... I feel most at home drinking beer with my husband and his friends, making lewd comments about women in games, chatting about sports.. I always push myself past my limits trying to do what guys almost double my size do athletically, or moving furniture, etc.

I look in the mirror and I don't see an attractive young married woman, I see an awkward girl out of her depth who doesn't know how to dress or apply make-up, who doesn't like kids or fragile pets, and who is endlessly dissatisfied with herself as a person. I know that I will never live up to anyone's expectations as a daughter/wife/sister/mother.

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Young, but in touch with what I want and where I've been!

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Heather
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This sounds like it's about a much larger issue to me, one that would be very unlikely to be rectified just by engaging in anal sex, even if, for you, it feels like the ability to engage in anal sex with a penis somehow summarizes or answers your masculinity.

This sounds like you're experiencing gender dysphoria, and could probably use some help or counseling when it came to gender, potentially to even talk about the possibility of transitioning.

Is that something you'd like to look into and get resources to potentially get connected with?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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featherfrost
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Honestly, no.

I just want to be a regular adult woman who gets by like everyone else, without anxiety attacks or nightmares or fear of people or social situations.

I don't care who people see me as, I just want to be a strong wife, emotionally stable, to help my husband through what he is going through.

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Young, but in touch with what I want and where I've been!

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Heather
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I'm not sure what a "regular" adult is. Of the billions of adults there are in the world, we all vary greatly per what our lives are like, and we all have our own issues, though what those issues are vary.

If counseling or help -- maybe even just some reading? -- around your gender identity (or, now anxiety, since you're reporting that, to), then, isn't something you're open to looking into, and opening up your relationship for you to explore the kind of sex you want isn't something either of you want or are open to, that really leaves us at an impasse.

That given, you came here with this seeking help, so perhaps you can fill me in on what you think CAN help you out with all this, and what you're looking for from us around that? [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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featherfrost
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I really don't know what I need, I'm just looking. I feel lost and frustrated and even talking on the phone with strangers stresses me out enough to bring me to tears. I've experienced many many losses this year: My husband's mobility, my grandmother, my best friend (my dog), my first three rats who were very dear to me, my first cat, -Basically everything I left behind when I moved out of the state is dead.

Being a wife is obviously something new to me, and I never learned to drive, and now that my husband can't walk and I'm starting college and applying for a government job, I need to learn to drive, and I'm stressed to no end and I STILL don't know what's wrong with my female parts and why I hurt like I do- I had a laparoscopy done, and the pain it was supposed to fix is still very present on top of the scars from the incisions.

--------------------
Young, but in touch with what I want and where I've been!

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Heather
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That sounds like a hideous year, I am so sorry. [Frown]

You know, there's an incredible author and trans woman who wrote not only probably the best book about gender for folks getting a start there is, she also wrote a great book to just help young people cope.

I think they are both absolute treasures in the world (as is Kate herself) and could likely both help you out. Those are, "My Gender Workbook: How to Become a Real Man, a Real Woman, the Real You, or Something Else Entirely," and "Hello, Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks, and Other Outlaws," by Kate Bornstein. Maybe start by just getting yourself those and seeing how it feels to just get some sound information and book-support around some of this?

It really also sounds like you could use some extra support around all of this. Are you open to even general counseling? It could help a lot with coping, evaluate that anxiety, and help you work through your losses and grief.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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featherfrost
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I tried counseling a little bit, but all I got was "take a deep breath and picture a happy place", and since we're military, any serious therapy would inevitably get my husband in trouble because Lord knows, if the spouse is having trouble, it's obviously the airman's fault.

I'll try to track those books down at a book store or a library and look into getting them, thanks. meanwhile, I'll continue getting my school on the move and muddling through driving, and keeping this stupid puppy out of trouble. >_>

We got a puppy the day after my dog died, and she is my husband's. ._. I can't stand her. haha

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Young, but in touch with what I want and where I've been!

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Heather
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Well, you have the option of counseling services outside the military (including some good phone services we have here in WA). Counseling is also confidential, so no one else has to know you are getting it.

Whoever you saw sounds like a quack, honestly, given all the issues you are struggling with. If after months of therapy with you being honest about everything you are feeling and experiencing -- or even a first visit -- that is all they advised, it's doubtful that person even had a current license to practice, that's how far away only that is from what the standard practices are for someone dealing with gender dysphoria, anxiety, loss, a newly disabled spouse (and a spouse when you are so young to begin with) and more.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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featherfrost
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Hahahaha, nothing is confidential in the military. I sure wish it was though, and they sure like to tell you that. Unless I'm a perceived threat to "myself or others" everything is confidential... and then in small print, "or if we perceive that your husband is in any way influencing these feelings or issues you are experiencing."

But yes, I totally agree with you. I've never had a good experience with a counselor or therapist, so I prefer a good sounding board or working it out with whoever is involved. Anyways, thanks for your help... I'll definitely look into everything and keep you posted.

--------------------
Young, but in touch with what I want and where I've been!

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Heather
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I am not saying in the military: I am saying services you seek out outside that system are. And they are: plenty of people in the military or with spouses or other family in the military utilize outside counseling services and they remain confidential.

But if that's not something you want or are open to trying, it's not.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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