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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Gender Issues » Toys

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Author Topic: Toys
Member # 98136

Icon 1 posted      Profile for erehwon     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 

My gf has a few toys, sometimes she enjoys it when I use them on her instead of just my hands. For me this all seems like good safe fun. So I suggested it might be fun if I had a toy for me. The look I got was not something I expected. It was somewhere between disgust with me for suggesting it and hurt for what's wrong with what she is doing. I suggested she could use it on me, and that didn't help.

Isn't this unfair? And if I did get something, what should I look for in a toy? Some are pricey.

In general I get the feeling that it is perfectly fine for women to use a toy to masturbate but not so for guys. Guys are weird and creepy if they want to use a toy. I don't get it. What is that about?

Just looking for opinions on this from anyone.


Posts: 35 | From: Colorado | Registered: Oct 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Hi erehwon,

I'm really sorry to hear about your girlfriend's reaction to your suggestion; it sounds pretty reasonable to me that you might want to experiment with toys yourself, especially since you and your girlfriend both seem to enjoy the toys she has right now.

I certainly don't think it's creepy or weird for anyone, no matter their gender, to have an interest in using toys to masturbate or during partnered sex, but it is true that sometimes people can have a negative reaction to this. A lot of that is rooted in homophobia, in the case of men using toys for anal stimulation (you didn't specify that that's what you brought up with your girlfriend, but it may be a factor in your situation).
Men liking anal play isn't something that indicates an attraction to men, and plenty of gay and bisexual men don't enjoy anal sex or stimulation at all, but in a lot of people's minds, there is a connection and if they're uncomfortable with same-sex attraction or sexuality, that can be a component of a negative reaction.

It sounds like it may be helpful to have a conversation with your girlfriend (at a neutral time, perhaps, when you aren't having or planning to have sex right then) about her reaction and how she feels about this issue. Maybe she was just surprised and wasn't sure how to react, or she might have some of the thoughts I mentioned above.

If you are looking to buy toys, good ones can be very expensive, sadly. If you're looking for something to use for anal insertion, the most important thing to do is make sure you buy something with a flared base so it can't be fully inserted. It's a good idea to use condoms with toys for ease of cleanup, but it's especially important if you go with a less expensive item as they tend to be harder to fully clean than something like silicone, which is easy to sterilize but often more expensive.

Posts: 1352 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 98136

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I was using my hands and then picked up a little battery vibrator she has. We've done this before but this time it worked extra well. 

I was feeling really good about the whole thing and she started to give me a hand job. So I made a comment about a toy for me. I was thinking of no particular toy, just generally. 

My gf is bi so I don't think it was homophobic. Sometimes I masturbate with a finger in my butt, but only by myself alone. I hope she wouldn't think that is gay, because I just think it feels good and would probably enjoy that if she did it. I don't see that as gay at all. And if she did, she's bi, so that shouldn't matter anyway, right?

I would probably like a butt plug, but I'm not even considering that until I figure out why the shocked response. That killed the whole thing. Oops, I shoudn't have brought that up just then. I couldave at leastwaited until we were done. I just didn't imagine this to be a problem for her. 

Sometimes I use a condom with a ton of lube inside when I masturbate just for the feel. Is that a toy? This all seems like a weird standard I don't understand. 

We are good with communicating, so ill figure this out. I just wonder what other people think. Especially if women think its weird. I already think its fine, I was just surprised by the whole thing.

Posts: 35 | From: Colorado | Registered: Oct 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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I am in total agreement with the answer above that this is neither weird or creepy for anyone of any gender / identity to want to experiment with toys. It's actually quite natural to want to experiment and indeed find other types and methods of stimulation that feels good for us.

Sadly, a person's own orientation has little to do with what they think of others sometimes. She may think it's okay for women to be together and not men - or have an aversion to the thought. Men have the prostate gland, which can be stimulated and feel very good for men of any orientation, while others don't find anal stimulation to feel good. It doesn't mean someone is gay or not based on what feels good for them per stimulation, but again how she views this depends on her. It would certainly be something to discuss 1:1 as Molias said

It's understandable you didn't forsee this reaction, and please know whether or not you choose to use toys with your gf you can sill get the for play yourself.

Using condoms that way offers different stimulation. It's not necessarily a toy - but works in the same standard as one in the way that it helps with a different stimulation that makes you feel good.

What people think is weird or not is completely based on the person - but please rest assured it's not weird for someone to want to find other methods of stimulation that work and make us feel good, not matter the gender, identity, orientation, what have you there's nothing wrong or weird there.

"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3429 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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