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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Gender Issues » How can I help my boyfriend figure out his sexual identity?

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Author Topic: How can I help my boyfriend figure out his sexual identity?
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I have been dating my boyfriend for a few months now (I am a female). He told me a few months ago he has a desire to be with another man. I am fine with his bisexuality, and support his anal desires. I have engaged in such with him.

However, he has never been with another man. As a child, he fooled around with one of his friends and says when they kissed it felt wrong. He assures me that he has no desire to have a relationship with another man. He is just attracted to the idea of being with men sexually.

I support him completely and want him to be happy, but I can't help feeling as though being together is preventing him from finding out. I offered that we could have a three-some with another bi man. However, he thinks it might be something he has to do on his own. He worries he will pay more attention to the other guy and hurt me. So If the opportunity ever arises, I have given him permission to figure it out. I don't know if that is fair to me though.

I know we both care deeply for each other and neither of us want our relationship to end. But I know its unfair to ask him not to figure out who he is. How do I help him figure this out? Is it okay for him to experiment with another man if he does not have an emotional relationship with them? Is it possible for him to figure out his sexual orientation with me involved? Or do we have to break up for him to figure this out? What is the best way to approach this?

Posts: 1 | From: Philadelphia | Registered: Sep 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Welcome to the boards, nina. [Smile]

I want to first make clear that a desire for anal sex of any kind and a desire for sex with men as a man can be the same thing or two totally different things. A guy can have desires for anal sex and no desire whatsoever to be sexual with men: some men who have desires for men, and who have sex with men, don't have any interest in anal sex.

As well, if and when someone has an interest in more than one gender, the idea, for a whole bunch of reasons, of having sex with more than one partner at a time, of different genders or not, won't always appeal. that's kind of its own separate thing, too, both with sex and with relationships. Not everyone wants open relationships, polyamory or sex with more than one partner at a time, and who wants that or doesn't isn't about sexual orientation.

I'm not sure I'm understanding the difference between what he wants and what you want right now. Is he saying that he feels confused about his orientation right now and needs to 'figure out who he is," in this respect? or is that you saying that? I hear you saying he is identifying as bisexual, so I'm confused, because that tells me he's feeling pretty clear about his orientation at the moment.

I can't say what's okay for him per sex with anyone, men or not: is HE okay with, and does he want, a sexual relationship or interaction with a man right now? And does he wants to do that outside a romantic relationship?

Our orientation really is just about who we are and can be attracted to: people can and do figure that out with or without sex with with who those people are or might be all the time. Really, all anyone needs to know to know they are or might be bisexual is that they feel romantic and/or sexual attraction to people of more than one gender. it's about feelings, and generally not just sexual ones, not about do's, if you follow me.

You ask what the best way is to approach "this," but I'm not sure what 'this" is: can you try and clarify that for me?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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