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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Gender Issues » parents (Page 3)

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Author Topic: parents
Karybu
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Is there maybe one thing you would feel ok telling her, just to get the conversation going? What do you want her to know?

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Boxerlover
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I told her she could cask me 5 questions
She asked me 1
"Why do you think you want to be a girl?"
*groan*
Out of all the questions

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Heather
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Well, sounds like that's the question she had.

It sounds to me, unless I'm getting this wrong, like you've got a parent here who's really trying and is being fairly supportive.

If I have that right, I'd strongly encourage you to just really try and work with her with this and have some patience with her. After all, if this hasn't been an experience she's had with her own gender, and she hasn't yet met anyone else who has had this experience, she's probably going to be feeling pretty lost and having these kinds of questions.

Have either of you gotten in touch with Fenway health yet? I ask because they truly can help with all of this: basically, if they're at all near to you, you've both got access to the very best healthcare and resource for gender non-conforming people in the whole country.

If you know about Fenway because we've told you about it, but you haven't directed her to them yet, I'd suggest doing that. If nothing else, it will help her start getting some of her questions answered from someone besides yourself.

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Boxerlover
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I haven't

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Heather
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So, it's time for you to do that, then, if you really want to take some steps ahead.

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Boxerlover
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She asked me to better explain how I feel in words because she doesn't understand
I was thinking of replying with this:
"That seems like something for a therapist :/
You can't just kinda accept it for now"

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Heather
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I really am confused as to why you're not starting by sharing the resources with her we have shared with you.

Not doing that is keeping her from a lot of this information, and is going to make it a lot harder for her to understand and help you out. In other words, she *might* be able to understand some of this better, but she's going to need some good information to do that.

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Boxerlover
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I'll try and bring it up

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Boxerlover
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I gave her the link

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Heather
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Fantastic: I'm sure that will help her out a lot and give her a good place to get started with a lot of her questions.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Boxerlover
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I feel good
like I'm making progress

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Heather
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Glad to hear it!

By all means, I'd say asking for help, seeking out resources, opening up to a parent and sharing the resources you found with them, all while working to open communication is all really big stuff. Good on you! [Smile]

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Boxerlover
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I kinda feel like she semi-doesnt believe me

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Heather
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It might help to bear in mind while you have probably known about your feelings for a while, they're probably brand new to her, right?

If so, she's not likely to understand them or feel at home in them any more quickly than you have. In fact, since they aren't her own feelings, it's bound to take her far longer.

Seriously, I don't mean to be all so-many-people-have-it-so-much-worse with you, but in all honesty, it sounds like your parent is being pretty awesome here, not kicking you out of the house, yelling at you, abusing you, refusing to help you: unfortunately, those are more the norms than the exceptions.

You're lucky to have a parent who it sounds like it trying to understand all of this and is being caring in the process: I'd encourage you to be patient with her.

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About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Boxerlover
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I know....I was just saying

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Heather
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My greater point is that I don't think some of the negativity you're bringing about your Mom to the boards here is likely at all constructive or productive.

How about if you take a break, give her some time and space to start looking through the information you have *just* given her to look through, and do some more talking with her, rather than second-guessing her here?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Boxerlover
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I'm sorry

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Heather
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You don't need to be sorry, just trying to guide you, like we do all our users, towards what's most productive and in the best interest of what you're saying you ultimately want.

If it's help and understanding from and with your mother, then you've got to give her at least five minutes -- and probably a lot longer -- to try and do that for and with you. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Boxerlover
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Ok...um...
I just kinda want to check, but....that Fenway thing is for like Mental Help right
My friend told me him and some other people suspect I have autism or something and are convinced I need to see a psychiatrist, and he said he didn't like the sound of the Fenway thing

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Molias
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Hi Boxerlover,

If you look at the link for Fenway: http://www.fenwayhealth.org/site/PageServer?pagename=FCHC_srv_services_tollfree It's a general service that's aimed specifically at finding help and resources for LGBT folks. Some of that may be mental health services, but they'd be able to offer suggestions for other things as well.

I'm not sure why your friend doesn't like the sound of Fenway, but to me it looks like a great resource and I'd encourage you to call. I realize that taking this step may be intimidating and scary, just like talking to your mom, but it'll get you in touch with folks who can help you figure out your best next step.

(Also, I don't know if you saw my note from last night, but that older thread you posted in had a lot of content and comments that were, to be honest, really inaccurate and offensive and I'd encourage you not to take them to heart. If you want to talk about anything you read there that's fine, but we moved the entire thread to the locked area.)

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Boxerlover
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um...ok
my mom isn;t really saying much lately
and she won;t respond to my emails
but....that fenway website
is there a way I can email them or something...and what should I say?

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Molias
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They have a phone number on the site, that you'll see if you click that link. It also looks like they have a live chat; there's an option to leave a message when they aren't online. I don't see an email address. I do think calling that number may be the fastest way to get a response.

You could say some of what you've said to us here, about how you're feeling in terms of your gender and that you are looking for resources as to what your first steps should be. You could also ask for help in how to talk to your mom, too. But really, we can't tell you exactly what to say here; they're there to help you, so just talk about what's on your mind.

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Boxerlover
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uh :<
I have a thing....I don;t like talking on the phone
especially now when I'm all congested
I know...I just didn't know what would be appropriate to say

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Heather
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Again, the phone is only one option: Molias made clear they have a chat line, too, and contact emails are also on the site.

When you contact them, you can just tell them you are looking for help with your gender and how you feel about it, and want to know where to even get started. If you're seeking counseling, say you are seeking that. If you and your family want education and support, say that.

You can say more if you like, again, just like you have here, but you don't have to.

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Boxerlover
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Um...so...hello
I haven't seen anyone yet....I guess my mom has been busy
But...I was just wondering...when I do see a therapist,
How long does it usually take to get like...the process started

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Heather
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That depends on the therapist and their practice, uniquely. You can only find that out by talking with that person or that practice/center.

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About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Boxerlover
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Sigh...ok
Maybe after my grandparents leave...then maybe I'll be a priority

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Heather
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You know that you can contact Fenway yourself, right? After all, they often work with young people who don't have the support of their families, or can't even ask their families for help without risking their safety.

Have you started this process by first contacting them yourself, via phone or email?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Boxerlover
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She says she is gonna ask for a refural from my doctor
I...kinda don't want him to know

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Molias
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Hi Boxerlover,

From what you've been posting here lately it sounds like talking to anyone about how you're feeling around your gender sounds really intimidating right now. And that's ok; it's a big deal. If you feel like you need to step back from this and not talk to a doctor or therapist about any of this right now, that's a reasonable choice; you can take some time to sort things out and come back to this when you're ready.

I do think getting in touch with an organization like Fenway will probably be a little easier on you to begin with; your doctor may or may not be well-educated in trans* issues and might not know the best person to refer you to. If you don't want your mom to talk about this with your doctor, can you talk to her about that at all? Have you mentioned Fenway or any of the other resources we linked in this thread to her?

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Heather
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Then again, this is a conversation for you to be having with her. This is something for you to say to your mother.

That said, if you are going to be seeking out treatment around gender, you may have medical care you're getting elsewhere your regular doctor will need to know about. Like, for instance, if you were to do any hormone therapy: that's information your general doctor would need about you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Boxerlover
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I went to therapy today….it was a very silent 50 minutes

My mom didn’t really tell him anything let alone about my issues

So I was very pressured and on the spot…and I ended up lying to him

When he asked if it was my moms idea to come I nodded my head, and when he asked if I had any idea why I shook my head.

He said I don’t have to keep going to him if I don’t want to…but my mom set up another appointment anyway

I can’t help feeling like this wouldn’t of happened if my mom had just listened to me and went to the Fenway site instead of my doctor to find a therapist who is more experienced and trained for this sort of thing

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Heather
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Well, perhaps next time, you can ask to talk privately so you can feel freer to be honest?

You can't expect a therapist to be able to respond to things you don't tell them, after all. So, who knows, this therapist may do very well with the gender issues you want help with: but you will have to tell them those are the issues you're there for, and be honest to even find out.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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