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Author Topic: Gender Confused, gay
Daki
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I really don't know about my gender. I went through a short stage where I completely disliked my gender, and I think I might be gay, but I can't be certain. Everytime I think of the words "woman" or "breasts" or when my mom calls me her little girl, I feel weird. When I call myself a boy, I feel right. I don't want my breasts and I feel like I could do with changing my vagina into a penis when I'm older, but I also think that I could stick with the lower part. I seem to have a sexual attraction to both genders--female and male--the latter being more of a sexual attraction sometimes than the female, but I have a tendancy to feel more of a romantic feel around women.

I am also a bit of a girl chaser, and want to identify and become friends on a mutual level with the male species. I feel barely a platonic attraction for males, but I want to fit in with them, but I feel since I look like a girl, they won't accept me. When I am around certain girls that I think are cute or immensly attractive, I feel like I need to be butch...I have a low voice naturally, but I feel the urge to make it more masculine. Generally, even though the thought of my gender doesn't seem right, I don't completely resent my body parts either, but I don't want to go out in public as a girl. After several guys flirted with me, the feelings have gotten a bit worse!! [Frown] Help?? [Confused]

[ 12-17-2010, 12:41 AM: Message edited by: Daki ]

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I am a fail waiting to epically win.

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Heather
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Can you fill me in a little more on what you want help with? I'm just uncertain about what you need and how to best help you out. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daki
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I feel like I need to be a boy...I mean, I'm a middle schooler that wants what every boy wants--to get a girl, but I am not sure!! Only one of my friends knows that I am, well gay, but I can't tell any of my friends how I feel about transgender. But I really want to connect with males on a friendship level, but I don't know how to get rid of my anxiety about hanging out with them.

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I am a fail waiting to epically win.

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Heather
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Well, every boy doesn't want to get a girl, because not every boy is heterosexual or bisexual. Some boys are only attracted to other boys and who they want sexual and/or relationship with are other boys, not girls.

You say you also want male friends, but feel anxiety about hanging out with them: can you fill me in on what you think that anxiety is about? Is it about being treated like a girl by them when you don't feel like one, about worries around their reactions if you were to disclose how you feel about your gender or orientation, about other things than those....?

Do you want help finding someone in person you can talk with openly and safely about gender?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daki
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Basically, I feel the anxiety about be treated like a girl, and fitting into the male niche worrying that they'll not accept that I want to be like them. I have a counselor, but sometimes I feel like I need different advice. Thank you.

P.S. Well, sorry about that. I know about gay boys, but I meant the heterosexual ones when I was talking about wanting a girlfriend.

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I am a fail waiting to epically win.

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Heather
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Gotcha. So, might you have any guys you know or might get to know who you suspect may be educated about and accepting gender variance?

Have you been able to talk to your current counselor about gender? If so, have you been happy with their feedback?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daki
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I have...but I haven't discussed this yet, and I felt the urgent need to ask advice now, and I don't have her number at this time.

One guy friend, but when I even mentioned "not feeling like a girl", he got uncomfortable, so I disclosed that subject. I mean, I have a guy friend, but back in Elementary school, and I don't live there anymore. I realised how...different middle school is and how sensitive people are to those subjects.

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I am a fail waiting to epically win.

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Heather
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For sure, and as well, not everyone is going to be the right friend for us, you know? Just because someone is a certain gender, doesn't mean they're going to be a god fit for a friend or any other kind of relationship. You probably know that already, but just sayin.'

For sure, though, when people are young and especially during and around puberty, gender can be a particularly precarious subject, and not everyone will be very educated or sensitive about it, nor very open-minded or inclusive.

Can you maybe fill me in some on what you're looking for in a friendship with someone, period? Maybe that can help us some here.

Also, have you felt at all able to talk with your mother about your feelings around gender yet?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daki
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I just feel...awkward around girls (Except for two, but that's because I've been friends with them since a while). What I am looking for is a "normal" (at least what mine always turn out to be) friendship--to talk about whatever, laugh, hangout, and tease each other without being offensive or anything.

I've talked about it with my mom. She said she really doesn't mind, but she doesn't want me to discuss it in middle school because she doesn't want anyone to mess with me. I have an accepting family, so I am pretty lucky. [Big Grin]

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I am a fail waiting to epically win.

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Heather
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That's great your mother has been so accepting. perhaps, though, you two could talk together to identify some more people you CAN talk about gender with? Because not talking about it at all isn't a good answer, and neither is winding up feeling totally socially isolated.

Per what you want in a friendship, who around you can you identify that you think you can have that with?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daki
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Two friends in my fourth period, and the people I sit with at the table everyday at lunch. I still have friends that are girls, but most of them I'm awkward with...especially the girl I like. My mom told me I could talk to one of her friends that has gone through these issues, but I don't think I feel comfortable discussing that with her friends specifically. When we were requested to fill out a counseling form and check boxes off groups we'd like to join, and give ideas for what type of groups we wanted, I wanted an LGBT, which they said would not happen. The self-esteem group scared me because it was all female, and I really would have felt more comfortable in a nuetral group. I talk about it with my best friend from back in California, but judging by her joking about it, I'm not sure if she understands.

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I am a fail waiting to epically win.

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Heather
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So, those friends in the 4th period and your lunch friends: it sounds like you're saying those are already your friends, yes? If so, is there something you want out of those friendships you're not getting?

(Sorry if I'm missing something obvious here.)

Your school said an LGBT group would not happen? Who told you that? Has your mother had a talk with the administration about that?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daki
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I don't feel "secure" in those relationships, or that I am not properly conveying myself to others a) because I have to hide somethings from my friends b) I'm too afraid to ask what they're interested in. I feel more emotionally attatched to girls, but that I can hold a conversation better with boys, but I am too fearful to speak up most of the time to people my gender and not my gender.

And about the school: the counseler said they wouldn't make a group specifically for that, and that I should join the self-esteem group. I can't really talk about that with them, because that is apart of my issue. I am not sure what type of people I am dealing with.

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I am a fail waiting to epically win.

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Daki
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I haven't told my mom about the counseling groups--or in specifics, the LGBT group request.

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I am a fail waiting to epically win.

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Heather
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Can you? I ask because a school saying that's "not going to happen" could be a school not being supportive of LGBT students when they need to be, and there are some actions you and your Mom could take around that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daki
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My mom just came home, and she said she'd talk about it. We live in a more conservative town, so...I kinda forgot to tell her.

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I am a fail waiting to epically win.

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Heather
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I'm glad you'll talk about it together. If either of you want a good place to start for resources with that, you can take a look at GLSEN: http://www.glsen.org/

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daki
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Thank You very much. I think I have to go, but thanks. [Big Grin]

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I am a fail waiting to epically win.

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Heather
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For sure. We're around if and when you want or need to talk some more!

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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