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Author Topic: Gender Confused!
SnapperJack
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Hi guys. I've been getting really confused lately about my gender. This site seems really helpful so I thought I'd just try and get something down here - hope this is ok.

I definitely don't feel like a woman - not sure I ever really did. The word woman seems so foreign to me. I was fine being a girl though and have been fine with my gender throughout most of my life. However, I just don't feel like I can relate to the ways in which some of my 'girl' friends are growing up. To me, womanhood seems so superficial - about fashion and beauty and losing weight. I appreciate this isn't the same for all women but it's what I'm seeing and I just feel so lost.

I love my dad to pieces and feel I relate so much better to him. I feel distinctively male but feel I still retain some of my girlyness. I don't dislike my body but I can't relate to my breasts.

I'm not sure where this leaves me. The thought of having a sex change terrifies me - I also quite like what I have down below! I'm just not sure where I stand - the definitions on the web aren't all that great - and I really don't understand the difference between being a trans person who is genderqueer and being genderqueer.

I do however identify with this:

"My genderqueer = freedom to do whatever. It explains why it is that I'm a female bodied person who feels very masculine. It explains my identification as a masculine person and it lets me not have to hide my feminine attributes. I don't have to prove my masculinity. I'm genderqueer, take it as you will, I'm just me. Freedom from obsession about conformity. I don't have to choose."

I read genderqueer means you feel like both - male and female - and it can also mean someone who feels male at heart but who has a female body? Is this right?

It's very confusing because trans people who feel genderqueer don't necessarily have sex reassignment surgery - but then I suppose they do identify more with the opposite sex?

See I do identify as male.. but as a feminine male.. I also identify as a male at heart, but have no real desire to start living as a man or changing my wardrobe. If that makes any sense at all?!

Sorry for the incredibly long ramble! I kind of felt I had to, to do what I'm saying justice.

Thanks in advance.

Posts: 18 | From: England | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
coralee
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I definitely understand what you're saying. I am female-bodied, but I identify as genderqueer some of the time. I go through times when I feel somewhat comfortable thinking of myself as female, but they don't last long. Although as a young teen I wanted to get sex re-assignment surgery, when I found out more about the process I realized it wasn't for me. I don't feel all that uncomfortable with my physical body-- it's just that I don't identify as being female by gender.

I think there are many possible definitions of being genderqueer, and I think you picked out a good one. To me, it means that I don't fit into the female gender that seems natural to a lot of female-bodied people.

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September
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Genderqueer is a pretty broad term. It pretty much encompasses anything and everything that boils down to "not conforming to accepted sex/gender roles". So, if you're fine with your female sex but feel that you're more comfortable with a male gender, than that would certainly qualify as genderqueer.

Too, just as a note: not all people who identify as transgender opt to have a sex-reassignment surgery. Some may only have some surgery, but not all of it, and others may not have any surgery at all. So, just because you don't want to have sex-reassignment surgery doesn't mean that you can't be transgender.

But above all, no one else gets to define for you what you feel, and you don't need to find a label to justify what you're feeling.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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SnapperJack
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Thanks guys - both of what you've said has really helped.

I think genderqueer does feel right for me, and I really agree with what you're saying coralee - that whilst you're OK with your physical body you just don't identify as being female by gender - that makes a lot of sense to me.

I also think I understand the difference between trans and genderqueer a little better now too. I understand that it's possible to be trans and genderqueer. but feel that perhaps genderqueer speaks my identity better as to me anyway trans implies that you have transitioned in some way (not necessarily through surgery) but maybe in your life style at least, as in you want to be perceived as the opposite, for me this would be "male"? As I don't , I feel genderqueer better sums up how I feel. Does that make sense?

Thanks guys, your replies are much appreciated [Smile]

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coralee
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That does make sense to me, SnapperJack, and that is actually why I identify closer to genderqueer and not trans.
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bornpurple
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Actually, SnapperJack, I like that mention of difference between 'trans' and 'genderqueer' as far as the percieved concepts of their terms. I ID loosely as a transguy, in so far as I feel male and liked to be treated as such... but I live my life pretty much like an androgynous woman and don't plan to transition. It's a very interesting contradiction. But the reason why I don't always tell people that I'm a 'transguy' is because I do they think that you automatically want to transition because of it. Even my friends who I'd told many times before that I wasn't interesting in transitioning... when I told them that I thought I felt male rather than simply an androgynous person, albeit still an androgynous guy, they automatically started asking me questions like 'so when you go on hormones will you-' and I had to stop them and say, 'wait a second, just because I'm a guy doesn't mean I have to do anything; I want to live the same way.' lol, it's strange the way that people think about it.
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SnapperJack
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Hi guys, thanks so much for your responses they've really helped me understand myself better.

Bornpurple, I totally get where you're coming from too and feel I could have wrote that. I think the definitions are soo confusing and guess I relate to both of them in some ways. I too, definitely feel "male", albeit a genderqueer male. But have no desire to start transitioning or changing my clothes to look "male" - I am who I am.

Eurgh, sometimes I think to hell with definitions, we're all who we are and that's all we need to know!

Thank you so much again - what you've said has really helped me work out where I stand.

Posts: 18 | From: England | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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