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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Gender Issues » Sexual Situations and Finding a Partner

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Author Topic: Sexual Situations and Finding a Partner
bornpurple
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Member # 48802

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This is a question that's been on my mind for the longest. Especially since unfortunately many relationships are defined by sexuality. Anyway, hi there.

I'm 19, biologically female and my gender identity has shifted from tomboy or 'being just like a boy' as a youth, to an androgyne when I was a teen, and an androgynous male when I was a bit older. After some soul-searching, I eventually found that while androgynous male was the box that fit my identity the closest, it still was a 'box'. And since then, I sort of only use that label loosely, and I mostly just title my gender as 'undefined'.

But my issue is, I'm uncertain about my body image in sexual situations. In non-sexual situations, I love my body. I think that it's wonderful. My dysphoria has always come from social gender rather than my physical body gender. However, in sexual situations, when a guy (I'm mostly attracted to guys) refers to my body parts as female body parts, or tries to be intimate with me in a male-female way... I get really uncomfortable and turned off. (I also have penis envy, so that's part of it.) In romantic situations though it's quite the same. At first I'm flattered by attention as a female, but then I'm soon turned off to it, because I guess I really don't want to be seen as such.

So one would think that maybe I wish to be seen as a guy during sex, or treated as male in romantic situations... but I don't particularly prefer it. I don't like it when a man refers to me as he refers to other biological men, not knowing that my body is actually physically female. That's also surprisingly a turn off. I guess I want a guy to be able to know that my body is female and treat me more or less like a male, or like a non-gendered person? Just don't refer to my breasts as breasts or my vagina as a vagina... don't refer to them as anything at all. But also, unless we're roleplaying, referring to any male anatomy is just false as I also don't have it...

The fact that I mainly don't like sexual situations as a woman, but that I'll be more or less resigned to dating as a woman since I don't present as male all the time, I don't pass and I won't be transitioning... worries me. I don't know if I'll be able to find any guy that'll actually find my body physically attractive, and the way I present myself--feminine at times, masculine at other times--and still call me a 'boy' and 'he' most times. I've read about some stories on the subject from other genderqueers and androgynes and non-transitioning transboys, for instance, that say that they found good partners in gender non-conforming men or bisexual men... but the only types I've found of these are on the internet. In real life there don't seem to be any at all. -sigh-

My guy friends who do know me in real life and know about my gender are pretty accepting, but it also turns our relationships completely platonic. It's like, once they see that I ID more or less as a guy and dress like one at times, and won't play the 'girl role' to their 'boy role' they just no longer are interested. And the gay friends I have as well aren't interested in a biological female, of course.

Any advice as to how to eventually find a partner, while being truly honest about myself?

-bornpurple

Posts: 12 | From: Cali | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Can I ask, in these situations, if you have voiced your preferences about the kind of language you want used around your body and your gender?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bornpurple
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Well, in the first situations I didn't exactly know, all I knew was that I was uncomfortable. So no.

However, in the most recent situations, the guys do know about my gender and my feelings towards sexual situations, however I don't really have a 'preferred' language, I just know that certain language makes me uncomfortable. So even though I told them to stop calling my parts those terms and such, there was really no alternative I suppose, and they continued on. They weren't entirely comfortable with male terms either and neither was I--calling my genitals by male names only makes me more aware that they're not, if it's done in a serious manner (in a playful manner I don't care because it's roleplay/pretend)--so at the time, I didn't push it.

If it were now though, I feel a bit more secure in myself and my sexuality, so I probably would explore that area, but I don't know anyone who would also be open-minded about that.

Posts: 12 | From: Cali | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bornpurple
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Hey, I know that you haven't replied yet, Heather, but I just found this awesome post in regards to this matter... about basically being a female-bodied person who wants to have queer sex, more or less, with queer men. So I thought I would post it here to share with anyone else who was questioning.

http://faggotboi.wordpress.com/2010/05/04/blog-name-change-from-female-faggotry-to-transfaggotry-or-why-im-no-longer-female/

Posts: 12 | From: Cali | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Sorry I missed your reply!

As far as I'm concerned, the trick is to only choose to be sexual partners with people who can grok us, get on board with what we need, and be flexible and comfortable, be that about our gender identity, about abuse triggers, even just about benign preferences in what we like. Those folks are out there, they're just not always easy to find. But my advice would be to hold out for them.

We all get to have whatever nomenclature we want for any part of our bodies. We also can be creative about it. If one set of terms doesn't work, we can make up our OWN terms.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
nonconformist
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Haha you have summed me up I'm the exact same [Smile] nice to know someone feels like that too:)
Posts: 1 | From: Ireland | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CoatRack
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Hey, I figured I'd jump in here. I'm genderqueer on the trans masculine spectrum (or as I sometimes say, "I'm trans, but I don't try very hard.") so I get a lot of what you're saying.

Sexual situations can sometimes be tricky. It wasn't until I "got" with a particular line of thinking that, suddenly, I was more OK with my body in sexual situations.

You have a body. Unless you choose to change it hormonally or with surgery you have that body. You also have your identities. Your body is your outward expression of those identities. So when you have a "female" body but stop identifying as female it's not like that body then starts to belong to somebody else. That body is yours, so it is then the body of somebody who is not-female.

So, like Heather said, you get to pick what words are used to describe it. And if that's breasts and vagina, that's fine, and if that's basically ANYTHING BUT breasts and vagina that's fine, too!

For me "chest" is way more comfy to hear than "breasts." And, well, I guess "vagina" just doesn't come up that much while actually talking about sex. There are so many words to say and so many ways to say them that as long as you and your partner have something you both understand then, hey, go with that!

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Hey folks, my name is Andrew and I was a mod here for awhile a couple years ago. I'll be here for a couple weeks while Heather is out and the site is even more short-staffed than usual

Posts: 441 | From: Boston, MA | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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